sad Page 32 - Sports News, Headlines & Highlights
Baby (Joe) Mauer Gets No Trade Clause From Seattle Family
In the grand tradition of parents naming their kids after sports heroes they can't possibly live up to—and then dressing them up in silly costumes—we proudly present Baby Joe Mauer....
Potential Train Wreck Alert: Mike Tyson Gets Reality Show
Mike Tyson is coming to Animal Planet. Tentatively titled Take on Tyson, the show will "pit Tyson and his birds against the best racing-pigeon owners in New York." Can it possibly top this? [NY Post]...
Minnesota HS Hockey Player Wipes Out On TV, Guarantees Himself Brief Viral Infamy
Here's poor Zach Van Orsdel, an Alexandria defenseman playing in the Minnesota state championship, introducing himself to the television audience by doing the sort of thing that makes us all glad we're no longer in high school. [Puck Daddy]...
Last Night's Winner: People Who Enjoy Watching Yankee Stadium Blow Up
In sports, everyone is a winner—some people just win better than others. Like the folks who get a perverse thrill from watching that pompous old Bronx ornament get gutted and torn apart, piece by self-important piece....
Corey Haim, Dead; Bill Simmons Mourns
Excpect 5,000 words on how Haim's death is comparable to River Phoenix's by 5 p.m. [SportsGuy33]...
Oprah Winfrey Mistakes Drew Brees' Birthmark For Lipstick
"Who just kissed you?" she asked. "God," he should have said, before punching her. [Sporting Blog]...
The 2010 Cubs Look Promising And Open To Sexual Experimentation
The Maple Street Press is certainly setting expectations for the Cubs extremely high this year. [ChicagoNow]...
When You Don't Need To Read Past The Headline
"Gay, Mentally Challenged Biracial Male Cheerleader Claims Discrimination." I gotta be honest, I don't feel completely right throwing this piece of meat to you commenter dogs. Be kind. [Seattle Weekly]...
Alabama Fax Machine Replaces Memphis Door As Inanimate Symbol Of Existential Dread
On this National Signing Day, Alabama is offering a live video feed of a fax machine. The machine periodically spits out a piece of paper. A name goes up on a board. Nothing to be done. [CBSSports.com, via Bourbon Boys]...
Boston Fans Perfect The Art Of Self Parody
This custom Beruit table perfectly crystallizes the essence of why the stereotypical Boston sports fan is so universally loathed. Naturally, the stereotypical Boston sports fan who created it could not be prouder. [BarstoolSports]...
The Africa Cup Of Nations Will Not Runneth Over
Earlier this month, Togo withdrew from the Africa Cup of Nations when Angolan separatists attacked its team bus with machine guns, killing two delegation members. You would think the African Football Confederation would have sympathy. You would be wrong....
Dear God, Make Me A Bi-Plane, So I Can Fly Farve, Far Far Away From Here
These "Airplanes (Bi-Plane) Handcrafted of Bud Light Limited Edition Viking Cans" will fly you to just within miles of your destination before getting intercepted in mid-air. Cash Only! [Craigslist, via]...
Did The Jets' Official Store Just Jinx Itself Out Of Business?
Jets fans will surely sleep soundly knowing that their Super Bowl gear is bought and paid for before the AFC Championship game even begins. (They even changed their URL to include "champions.") Nothing can possiblie go wrong now! [JetsShop]...
We Don't Play Australian Open Tennis In Your Toilet, So Please Don't Pee On Our Court
An Australian Open match was delayed by 40 minutes today when a (nervous? sick?) ballboy peed himself on the court. At least he has a long fruitful life of intense psychological therapy ahead of him. [The Age/Fanhouse]...
Peter King Gets To The Core Of The Gaines Adams Tragedy
"[O]ne of the sad football things about the death of Gaines Adams, the Tampa Bay-turned-Chicago defensive end who died Sunday of cardiac arrest at 26, is that he was about to be coached into his potential by Rod Marinelli..."...
Gaines Adams, Dead At 26
The Bears DE was rushed to the hospital early this morning with an apparent heart attack, and was pronounced dead. An autopsy is scheduled for later in the day. [Greenville News]...
Hooray For Dong!
Time to go home. Forgive me. Announcements and such after the jump....
Watch Junior Seau Castrate A Horse With His Hand
Seau prepares for retired life by squishing horse balls on his "Sports Job" television show. It's as gross as you'd expect. I guess it's technically safe for work because, for some reason, they blurred out the poor horse's testicles. [Versus]...
This Little Packer Fan Cried All The Way Home
How painful was Green Bay's overtime loss to Arizona. I think this sad and demonstrative Packer fan, spotted on the 2 train in New York City last night, tells the story just fine....
Scottie Pippen Would <u>Not</u> Like To Thank All The Little People
Pippen was attacked by little people. Pippen sent one of the little people to the hospital. This is a thing that happened....