soccer Page 60 - Sports News, Headlines & Highlights
Fair And Balanced Referee Knocks Over Defender, Then Goes And Trips Attacker
Apparently they don’t teach referees in Turkey how to avoid standing right in the middle of the action so as not to bowl over a guy with the ball, though it looks like they do teach them how to remedy a situation like that by sneakily taking the legs out from under a player on the other team, so it ...
Mario Balotelli Scores Wonderful Goal, Talks Shit About Referees
When last we heard from our favorite mohawked madman, Mario Balotelli, it right about this time last year as he came to the close of what turned out to be an unexpectedly impressive but still quintessentially Balotellian inaugural season with Nice in France. We are delighted to inform you that since...
Rafael Nadal Catches Shit For Supporting Rival Soccer Clubs
Rafael Nadal is roughly midway through his clay-court rampage, having lengthened his consecutive set streak to a record 46, and just had some time off between tournaments in Barcelona and Madrid. He spent some of that precious downtime watching soccer, which he loves deeply....
Barcelona And Real Madrid Combined For One Exquisitely Dumb <i>Clásico</i>
Spain’s El Clásico remains the biggest and best rivalry in all of soccer. Especially during the last decade, when matches between Barcelona and Real Madrid practically always meant matches between two historically great teams who desired nothing more than to stick a shiv into their most hated foes’ ...
Michael Buffer Announces Soccer Lineup While Being Soaked By A Sprinkler
It’s never really a bad idea to get famous boxing announcer Michael Buffer to show up at a sporting event and get people ready to rumble. This is mostly because he’ll always do the job well—he’s had plenty of practice—even when unforeseen obstacles arise. Just ask the fans in attendance at Sunday’s ...
Alex Ferguson Undergoes Emergency Brain Surgery Following Hemorrhage
Alex Ferguson, the legendary former manager of Manchester United, underwent emergency brain surgery Saturday following a brain hemorrhage, according to an update from the team:...
Iranian Women Dress Up As Men In Order To Attend Soccer Match
Among the crowd that watched Persepolis top Sepidrood Rasht, 3-0, in Tehran last week was a group of six female fans who disguised themselves as men in order to get into Azadi Stadium. ...
Liverpool Lose By Enough To Win Their Way Into The Champions League Final
Continuing this year’s Champions League tradition of first-leg beatdowns followed by second-leg borderline meltdowns, Liverpool lost to Roma today by a score of 4-2 but still won the tie. They will now meet Real Madrid in the final in Kiev on May 26th....
Ethiopian Soccer Coach Fired For Socking A Ref In The Face
Video replay in soccer sucks, but goal line technology is great. The biggest advocate for the introduction of this tech in Ethiopian soccer is probably the referee of this weekend’s Defence Force vs. Welwalo Adigrat match, since it probably would’ve saved him from getting fed this fist sandwich:...
Blame Bayern Munich, And All The Rest Of Them
If, after watching Bayern Munich’s appalling display of simultaneous superiority and ineptitude that granted the evil white empire of Real Madrid entry to the Champions League final, you found it a little difficult to maintain the furious, righteous anger in your belly once you saw the agonizing, te...
Historically Horrendous Boner By Bayern Munich's Keeper Gifts Real Madrid A Goal
If ever there were any doubt that Real Madrid are the luckiest team in the history of the world, this staggering gaffe by Bayern Munich’s Sven Ulreich that set up Karim Benzema for the easiest goal he’ll ever score in his life should remove all doubt:...
Aussie Teen Delivers Wicked Scorpion Goal
Nineteen-year-old Riley McGree, born in Gawler and currently on loan with the Newcastle Jets, earned himself a bonzer golazo against Melbourne City with an inspired scorpion-kick finish that had the whole crowd, and an announcer, marveling at its freakishness....
Father Of Future American Wonderteen Barron Trump Tries To Threaten His Way To A North American World Cup
The father of noted Arsenal fan and possible future of American soccer Barron Trump, Donald Trump, took a break from caring about a black person tonight and delivered a message about the U.S.’s joint World Cup bid that should be not-at-all off-putting to the voters in the countries it’s meant to add...
Arsenal Snatch Draw From The Jaws Of Victory
This afternoon in London, Arsenal put together the most fitting possible tribute to lame-duck manager Arsene Wenger by gagging up a result to Atlético Madrid in the Europa League semifinals in rather embarrassing fashion. Arsenal played almost all of the of the game up a man, thanks to some poor ref...
Soulless Avatars Of Late Capitalism Set Up Nicely To Acquire Another European Cup
European Soccer Market (ESM) analysts the world over are still abuzz about the big step Real Madrid (ESM:RMD) took on their path to consolidating their ownership of the European Cup for the third consecutive year....
Fox Sports Is Half-Assing The World Cup
Fox Sports, who paid an unprecedented $425 million for the TV rights to the 2018 and 2022 World Cups—before the U.S. team shockingly failed to qualify—announced today that it is essentially giving up on trying to make its World Cup broadcast as good as it could be. But, don’t worry, it will be a lo...
High-Kicking Madman Should Maybe Switch From Soccer To Taekwondo
Here we have yet another South American soccer player who apparently can’t differentiate between the kinds of kicks you use to score goals as Messi when playing FIFA and those you use to punt opponents’ heads off their bodies as Sub-Zero in Mortal Kombat:...
Mohamed Salah Ate Roma Alive
Midway through the process of finding the precise Hannibal reference to throw into a headline about how thoroughly Mohamed Salah had obliterated the Roman forces sent to Liverpool in today’s fantastic Champions League semifinal, Roma stormed back from what was a 5-0 deficit to seal for themselves a ...
Liverpool Fans Get Rowdy, Hop On Police Vans
After the madness of the post-apocalyptic scenes from Liverpool’s Champions League quarterfinal home leg against Manchester City, it’s hard to act surprised when a European night at Anfield results in some dangerously intense fan behavior. Liverpool’s festivities ahead of their semifinal against Rom...
The Ballon d'Or Is Stupid, But Mohamed Salah Deserves To Win It Anyway
If there’s any justice in the world, Mohamed Salah will be rewarded for his jaw-dropping, record-making, goal-packed, unforgettably great season with the highest individual award in the land, the Ballon d’Or....