soccer Page 63 - Sports News, Headlines & Highlights
Here Are The New Kits The USMNT Won't Wear At The World Cup This Year
U.S. Soccer unveiled the new uniforms for the men’s and women’s national teams in what amounted to a Friday afternoon news dump. The timing was strange, and almost made it seem like they didn’t want to remind everyone that the U.S. men’s national soccer team will not be wearing these sweet new kits ...
Players In Polish Soccer League Apparently Can't Kick The Ball For Shit
We don’t have strong views about whether Poland’s domestic soccer league is helping or hurting Polish soccer the way we do about MLS’s effects on soccer in the U.S. But this collection of lowlights from the Ekstraklasa does pose a troubling question: Why do so many players there suck at kicking the ...
Shithead England Hooligans Pour Drinks On Unsuspecting Boaters
The England national team is currently in Amsterdam for a World Cup tune-up friendly against the Netherlands. Lots of English fans also made the trip out to Amsterdam, and they too are using the trip to practice for World Cup. Sadly, it looks like the English hooligans have already mastered their pa...
Zlatan Announces Move To LA Galaxy In Most Zlatan Way Possible
As much as anything else, Zlatan Ibrahimović is so highly coveted by MLS for his ability to capture attention. While we still await an official announcement of his signing with the LA Galaxy, which by all reports is imminent, his wildly, hilariously arrogant persona is already paying dividends as ev...
Step Right Up And Feast Your Eyes On MLS's Newest Attraction, Zlatan Ibrahimović!
Ladies and gentleman, boys and girls, may I have your attention please! We, the proud proprietors of Major League Soccer, The Greatest Show On Earth (By 2022), would like to welcome you to another season of the thrills, spills, and wildly inequitably salary bills you can only find at our glorious es...
Chilean Soccer Player Wins Penalty With Staggeringly Awful Dive
Meet Jean Meneses, a midfielder for Chilean first division team, Universidad de Concepción. I’m sure he’s scored some great goals and hit some beautiful passes during his career, but it will be hard to top this truly exceptional dive of his from this weekend’s match against Colo-Colo as his career-d...
Slightly Defective Museum Cat Clearly The Animal To Beat In Predicting The World Cup
We are just 12 weeks away from some soccer games, but more importantly we are just 12 weeks away from a bunch of animals picking the winners of those soccer games. Following in the footsteps of Paul the octopus and Clam the psychic clam, a veritable menagerie of clairvoyant creatures are preparing t...
Nothing Can Stop Ronaldo From Realizing His Dream Of Scoring Loads Of Goals
This time two months ago, Real Madrid were struggling. Their defense of the league title had already all but mathematically failed. Their Champions League fate also looked shaky, with the back-to-back winners in the club’s favorite competition finishing second in their group and receiving a tough dr...
"Hey Tony Precum": All The Ways Columbus Crew Fans Expressed Their Rage Towards Owner Anthony Precourt<em></em>
COLUMBUS, Ohio — Across the large swath of the parking lot of Mapfre Stadium before the first Columbus Crew home game of the season on March 10, I could see it clearly: Fans duct-taped owner Anthony Precourt to the side of a red four-door pickup truck....
FIFA Agrees To Infect This Summer's World Cup With Video Replay
We’ve made the case time and again for why VAR, soccer’s video replay system, sucks ass. Apparently our cries for sanity have fallen on deaf ears, because reports say the chuckleheads at FIFA have just agreed to inflict VAR upon the upcoming World Cup in Russia....
Here's The Champions League Quarterfinal Draw
The Champions League quarterfinal draw is here, and it does a pretty good job of keeping all the most powerful teams separated:...
Screeching Moron Formerly In Charge Of U.S. Soccer Scouting Offers Braindead Anti-Messi Take
You probably aren’t familiar with Thomas Rongen, and we really wish we didn’t feel compelled to inform you of his existence. But when a gaping asshole like this has somehow amassed real, serious power at the highest levels of U.S. Soccer, and demonstrates his gross incompetence for his position in t...
UEFA Rudely Fines Besiktas For Delightful Cat On Pitch
Yesterday’s Champions League match between Bayern Munich and Besiktas experienced a brief interruption in the second half, courtesy of a friendly little kitty-cat scampering onto the pitch:...
Some Chelsea Fans Got Run Out Of Barcelona's Stadium By Security
Chelsea went to Camp Nou and got slapped out of the Champions League by Barcelona yesterday, and some of the Chelsea fans were feeling a bit sore after the match. ...
Lionel Messi Five-Holes Thibaut Courtois Twice As Barcelona Blow Past Chelsea
We’ll probably never know whether or not Lionel Messi really could do it on cold, wet nights in Stoke, but today we’ve been given even more evidence that he is pretty good at doing it on early spring nights in and against teams from elsewhere around England....
Tottenham Apologize For Survey Asking Fans Whether "A Woman's Place Is In The Home"
Real Madrid farm team Tottenham Hotspur have an important question to ask their fans: Is a woman’s place in the home???...
World Rejoices As Shitty Manchester United Team Knocked Out Of Champions League
Yesterday’s Manchester United-Sevilla Champions League match was the best game of the knockout rounds thus far. Not because these are two particularly great teams competing—they both are pretty bad—nor because they played especially well—the game was largely awful. No, this match was great for prett...
Sky Sports Suspends Jamie Carragher For Rest Of Season After Drive-By Spitting
After video emerged of ex-Liverpool star Jamie Carragher hocking a loogie at the car of a taunting driver and his daughter last weekend, Sky Sports announced that it had suspended Carragher—now one of its pundits—indefinitely while the company investigated the incident. Today, Sky has handed down it...
Bucs And Manchester United Owner Ed Glazer Will Host A Big Trump Reelection Fundraiser
Ed Glazer, whose family owns the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and Manchester United, will host an exclusive fundraiser for Donald Trump tonight at his house in Beverly Hills. The President’s schedule and plans in Southern California are shrouded in secrecy, but he’ll spend the evening at Glazer’s $22.7 mill...