um Page 179 - Sports News, Headlines & Highlights
Gabriel Benitez Slammed Humberto Bandenay Straight To Hell<em></em>
The UFC held its first event in Chile on Saturday, and while the only Chilean fighter on the card lost and the main event was a a real stinker, fans who arrived reasonably early at least got to see a spectacular finish. Gabriel Benitez met Humberto Bandenay in the fourth fight of the evening, and th...
Report: Trump-Signed Alabama Football Caused White House Drama, And Now Nobody Knows Where It Is
In a performance that had many praising its avant-garde catchphrase stylings, President Trump welcomed the national champion Alabama Crimson Tide football team to the White House last month and proceeded to speak for approximately three hours about, I assume, how he’s actually glad he didn’t win the...
The Israeli Soccer Team Renamed After Donald Trump Has A History Of Open Racism Against Arabs
Beitar Jerusalem received some press Sunday when the Israeli soccer club announced that it would change its name to “Beitar Trump Jerusalem” as a gesture of appreciation for President Donald Trump for moving the U.S. Embassy to Jerusalem. (Today, Trump’s daughter Ivanka and son-in-law Jared Kushner ...
Israeli Professional Soccer Team Renamed After Greasy Huckster
The new U.S. Embassy in Jerusalem will be opened with a big ceremony on Monday. Ivanka and Jared will be there! I am not here to offer commentary on this development—it is deeply unpopular with basically the entire rest of the world, much like just about everything else the Trump administration has ...
Diamondbacks Trying To Set Land Speed Record In Stadium Financing Scam<em></em>
After the Maricopa County Board of Supervisors voted 4-1 to end a 16-month legal fight with the Diamondbacks on Wednesday, the team will now be allowed to leave their current ballpark for a shiny new stadium as early as 2022, five years before their 30-year agreement to play in their current ballpar...
Jayson Tatum Gave The Celtics Everything They Needed
As the Celtics dispatched the Sixers with shocking ease, observers were quick to point to Al Horford’s defensive heroics and Terry Rozier’s sudden emergence as instrumental in Boston’s unexpected conference finals appearance. After all, Boston needed to stymie Joel Embiid (which the supposedly stout...
The Frail Celtics Still Took Down The Sixers
The Celtics are one more decently bad injury away from barely being able to field a full NBA-caliber rotation, but that didn’t stop the guys they have left from carrying their team to a 114-112 Game 5 win over the 76ers, clinching Boston’s spot in the Eastern Conference Finals....
Bay Area TV Reporter Resigns After Stealing Warriors Employee's Jacket
Mike Shumann, a longtime sportscaster for KGO-TV in San Francisco, has announced his resignation after being caught on camera last month taking a jacket that belonged to the Golden State Warriors’ director of team security....
Celtics Take 3-0 Series Lead After Sixers Choke Repeatedly
It’s not that the Sixers are dumb. They’re not. They are, in fact, quite tough and disciplined. But it is also true that their best players are children, and they are playing a series against one of the very sharpest, most wisely and meticulously coached NBA teams you will ever see. And the conseque...
Trump Forms Sports Council Featuring Bill Belichick, Lou Ferrigno, And Dr. Oz, For Some Reason
Sports genius Donald Trump has done the inevitable, again. This time, the big lad has put his close personal friend Bill Belichick on an official Presidential council. Shockingly, Belichick will not be in charge of any nuclear weaponry or an actual department of significance, which honestly would ha...
World Champion Runner Accused Of Failing Drug Test, Has Elaborate Story About His Pee Sample
Asbel Kiprop, the best miler of the last decade, a three-time 1,500-meter world champion, and an Olympic gold medalist, reportedly tested positive for the blood-boosting drug EPO. Matt Lawton of the Daily Mail broke the story yesterday; several other outlets independently confirmed the report; and K...
Dante Exum Is Now Doing Things
With Ricky Rubio out, Utah’s long, long specimen Dante Exum was stuck with one of the most frustrating defensive assignments in basketball: James Harden and the 1,001 dribbles. The stringy Australian has spent just over half of his NBA career injured, but in those healthy stretches has shown serious...
Report: Donald Trump Spent Quality Time Last Week Talking Football With Bill Belichick
In 1993, Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen found time between Full House episodes to record an album called I Am the Cute One. Songs include “I Am a Kid,” “I Love to Scream,” and “No One Tells the President What to Do.” The last of those is a celebration of the truth of its title—the president can do whate...
Who The Hell Is Jetty Eddie?
So far on Let Me Show You My Pogs, we’ve reviewed pogs that were based on licenses: The NFL, Bad Boy Club, and O.J. Simpson. (Though, sure, O.J. didn’t get any royalties.) But pogs were big enough in the mid-1990s that some manufacturers created their own characters. One of those was Jetty Eddie, os...
You Can't Bully These Motherfuckers
When I write that CNN politics writer Chris Cillizza is the rankest assbrain in the Western Hemisphere, I am not being nice to him. When I write that God clowned Chris Cillizza before he was born by making him Chris Cillizza instead of a shit-eating maggot, I am being unkind. When I say that Chris C...
This Truly Is The Greatest Royal Rumble
Titus O’Neil was about to make a big entrance into WWE’s Greatest Royal Rumble event this afternoon. He Shockmastered himself....
A Cool Thing Jayson Tatum Does A Lot
One of the best ways for a basketball scorer to shake free from a committed defense is to catch the ball while on the move, instead of from a stationary position, so that his individual defender and the broader opposing defense don’t have time to get between him and a good look at the basket. ...
Father Of Future American Wonderteen Barron Trump Tries To Threaten His Way To A North American World Cup
The father of noted Arsenal fan and possible future of American soccer Barron Trump, Donald Trump, took a break from caring about a black person tonight and delivered a message about the U.S.’s joint World Cup bid that should be not-at-all off-putting to the voters in the countries it’s meant to add...
What Is WWE Doing In Saudi Arabia?
On Friday, WWE is presenting the Greatest Royal Rumble, a live pay-per-view event emanating from King Abdullah Sports City Stadium in Jeddah, Saudi Arabia. Announced under two months ago, the event is being pushed on WWE programming as an upper-tier pay-per-view; it features a loaded card that feels...
High-Kicking Madman Should Maybe Switch From Soccer To Taekwondo
Here we have yet another South American soccer player who apparently can’t differentiate between the kinds of kicks you use to score goals as Messi when playing FIFA and those you use to punt opponents’ heads off their bodies as Sub-Zero in Mortal Kombat:...