usmnt Page 2 - Sports News, Headlines & Highlights
Welcome To The Jason La Canfora USMNT U-20 Minute
The Jason La Canfora Orioles Minute was an irregularly recurring feature in which we checked in with the NFL reporter’s thoughts on the O’s. Then we stopped, mostly because he did. Now he tweets about soccer, so welcome to the Jason La Canfora USMNT U-20 Minute....
Christian Pulisic Capped Off His Dortmund Tenure With A Spicy Solo Goal
Borussia Dortmund’s Bundesliga title challenge probably ended on Saturday against Werder Bremen, as they gave up two goals in a five-minute span to let Die Werderaner steal a 2-2 draw that stretched Bayern Munich’s lead atop the table to four points. With two largely meaningless games left, BVB will...
Even American Soccer Fandom Is Plagued By Pay-To-Play
If you had to point out a single factor that most contributes to the U.S.’s stunted development as a soccer nation, you could make a good case for pay-to-play as the culprit. Pay-to-play is the system that sections off the best youth coaching and competition and reserves it only for those who can af...
Young USMNT Hotshot Timothy Weah Just Got To Celtic And He's Already Scoring With Ease
Timothy Weah—18-year-old attacking dynamo for the USMNT and Paris Saint-Germain—recently arrived in Glasgow for a half-season loan with Celtic after a few months spent on the fringes of one of the biggest clubs in the world. Earlier this year, he talked about wanting to spend the first half of the y...
American Soccer Is Fine
Zack Steffen, an American soccer player who currently plies his trade on U.S. soil, is set to join the English Premier League’s reigning champions. The Columbus Crew have announced that the MLS Goalkeeper of the Year will be moved to Manchester City Football Club next summer for an undisclosed trans...
Josh Sargent Makes Strong Case For Wonderteenhood By Scoring On His Bundesliga Debut<em></em>
Redheaded American forward Josh Sargent—probably the first- or second-most likely American teenager to inherit the mantle of “Wonderteen” from Christian Pulisic—has been behind in the pecking order for striker-rich Bundesliga squad Werder Bremen for most of the season. However, this afternoon, the 1...
Tortured Hiring Process For USMNT Coaching Job Finally Ends The Way Everyone Knew It Would
U.S. Soccer finally made it official: Gregg Berhalter, who has spent the past five years coaching the Columbus Crew, will be the new coach of the U.S. men’s national team, as has been evident for months. Before falling in line behind a coach, who, by nearly all accounts, is respected and capable, le...
The Next USMNT Coach Will Be Gregg Berhalter, Apparently
It is looking increasingly likely that Gregg Berhalter, former national team player and current Columbus Crew coach, will be named the next coach of the USMNT. It has looked increasingly likely for the better part of a year, but it appears to be actually happening now, so everyone try to look surpri...
The American Outlaws Still Care About U.S. Soccer
On Oct. 10, 2017, the U.S. Men’s National Soccer Team suffered the most crushing defeat of its modern era: a 2-1 away loss to the tiny island nation Trinidad & Tobago which—coupled with simultaneous wins for Honduras and Panama—assured that in 2018 they’d be watching the World Cup from home for the ...
Let Us Now Enjoy Two Thrilling USMNT Goals, Truly The Only Meaningful Events In The Colombia Friendly
The fresh and interesting Americans—also Michael Bradley was there—responded to Colombia’s first-half onslaught with a couple of goals early in the second half to take a by-God lead! And that was all that happened!...
James Rodriguez Defies The Laws Of Physics And Ruins Some American Scrubs
A squad of Team USA kids who are mostly less interesting than the American soccer boys who are currently injured—and also this guy who looks just like Michael Bradley oh God wait that’s actually somehow Michael Bradley—is getting wildly overmatched by a World Cup-caliber Colombian team in a Tampa fr...
Happy One-Year Anniversary To This Bullshit
Has it already been a year? It seems like just yesterday I was watching wonderteen Christian Pulisic, now a wonderman, sob tears of abject despair and humiliation on a ratty old pitch after being knocked out of the World Cup qualifying rounds by Trinidad and Tobago. Let us take a trip down memory la...
Matt Miazga Adds Insult To Injury By Mocking Diego Lainez's Height In USMNT Victory
The USMNT beat Mexico in an international friendly Tuesday night, 1–0, on a second-half goal from teenager Tyler Adams. You want to see the goal. Fine. Here is the goal, you demanding jerk:...
Clint Dempsey Is An Intractable Asshole Who Never Backed Down From Anyone
After playing professional soccer for 15 years, Clint Dempsey—celebrated striker and guy who broke John Terry’s face—is retiring at age 35 from both the Seattle Sounders and the United States national team. The Sounders posted a statement detailing Dempsey’s long and successful career; Deuce, chara...
European Soccer Is Loaded With American Kids Ready To Tear Shit Up<em></em>
American wonderteen Christian Pulisic will begin his march to the 2019 Ballon d’Or this weekend when Borussia Dortmund open their Bundesliga season against RB Leipzig. It’s hard to believe that Pulisic is still only 19, since he’s already got two stellar seasons at Dortmund under his belt and is the...
Liverpool's B-Team Came To America To Get Smacked Around By Christian Pulisic
Wonderteen Christian Pulisic willed Borussia Dortmund to a 3-1 victory over Liverpool in the International Champions Cup on Sunday, in front of 55,447 of his countrymen in Charlotte. The 19-year-old subbed in at halftime with his team down 1-0 and promptly took the game over. ...
Americans Are Playing In The World Cup, Just Not For Our Shit-Ass National Team
This was always going to be a terrible World Cup for Americans, seeing as our boys choked like a bunch of chump-ass pissbabies and didn’t qualify for the tournament. However, the tournament hasn’t been completely devoid of American soccer excellence. It’s just that none of that American excellence a...
Landon Donovan Wins Biggest Asshole Award In Dumb Soccer Fandom Controversy
If you want to learn about a completely mind-numbing “controversy” about who is and is not allowed to root for which national team at the World Cup, and in the process become more convinced that there isn’t much brain behind that enormous forehead of Landon Donovan’s, then you’ve come to the right p...
Olivier Giroud, Matt<em></em> Miazga Bloodied In Pre-World Cup Friendly<em></em>
As if the French didn’t have enough to worry about—seeing their national team down after one half to the U.S. in its last tune-up before the World Cup—now superstar Olivier Giroud has left the match alongside Matt Miazga after the two clashed heads on a corner kick....
U.S. Soccer Tries To Fix Its Problems By Building A Bigger Bureaucracy
U.S. Soccer’s steady march through sclerotic mediocrity continued apace today when American soccer’s governing body announced the hiring of Earnie Stewart as the new USMNT general manager. What the position of “general manager” even entails for the national team and whether Stewart will be any good ...