whimsy Page 92 - Sports News, Headlines & Highlights
Deadspin I-Team: The Case Of Plaxico Burress' Sweat Pants
Plaxico Burress's saga has now reached its sad dénouement, with the former Giant matriculating into the New York penal system. One loose end remains, however: the matter of the sweat pants he wasn't wearing. Who's responsible for the sweat-pants misinformation?...
You Will Physically Flinch While Reading This Story
See those four things over on the left? Those are fasteners. They should be clamped on to dumbbell bars, and not your penis. One poor soul missed that memo....
Yankees Not Clear On The Concept Of "Hazing"
Got an image you'd like to see in here first thing in the morning? Send it to [email protected]. Subject: Morning crap....
Fire! Fire! Fire!
If you've got a javelin lodged in your leg, what do you do? If you're the Chinese, you burn it! [Daily Star]...
Playground's Michael Jordan
New York magazine's excellent Sam Anderson reviews Flight, the magisterial Michael Jordan biography written and illustrated by Sam Anderson, age 13. [New York]...
The White Supremacist Plot To Bring Down The NFL
The KKK is getting more sophisticated. They've got public relations people, political candidates, and now...computer geeks planning to disrupt NFL games by jamming quarterbacks' helmet radios....
ESPN Finally Kills Adam Schefter
Since joining ESPN last month, Adam Schefter has logged approximately 32,000 hours of face time on The Network. I guess his schedule finally caught up with him, because he got the consumption today and had to be put down....
<em>Joe Buck Live</em> Lives!
Next week brings the joyous return of Joe Buck's Cavalcade of Sporting Chit-Chat and Penis Whimsy, now with what promises to be a marked emphasis on the former over the latter, unless Joe Namath is off the wagon again....
The Anti-Favre Debate Is Nothing But A Straw Man
Got an image you'd like to see in here first thing in the morning? Send it to [email protected]. Subject: Morning crap....
Cub Fans Ruin Their Own Child's Life By Making Her A Cubs Fan
A Chicagoan e-mailed to ask why I have no love for the Windy City. Someone else e-mailed the answer. Meet new North Side resident, Waitle Nex Yeare. With any luck, the state has already placed her in protective custody. [Slanch]...
Starbury Addresses The Gay Jokes In True Starbury Fashion
With another video. In which he sings. And displays his painted toenails. And says, "If you think I'm gay, leave me in a room with your girl for an hour and she's gonna tell you how gay I am." [NESWsports.com]...
The Drunken Jellyfish Bandit Begins His Reign Of Terror
An intoxicated Florida beachgoer was arrested after pretending to drown in order to lure in would-be rescuers, only to hurl jellyfish at them when they approached. That's the greatest sentence I've ever written. [St. Pete Times]...
Look Who Can Finally Afford A Mac
Viewers were shocked and appalled to see the YES Network cameras focus on Emeritus looking like a real grown-up reporter during tonight's Yankee game. One reader described his performance as "surly." [H/T Matthew and Kevin]...
Cole Hamels Continues His Slow Transformation Into A Doily
Here, via Philebrity, is an advertisement from the new issue of Philadelphia Magazine, in which the Hamels family tries to sell you a luxury condo by posing like a couple of Precious Moments figurines in front of a horrified city....
Todd Marinovich's Half-Brother Would Like to Show You His Pistols
In his debut for Syracuse this afternoon, QB Greg Paulus threw a fatal interception in OT that cost his team the game. Luckily for the Orange, they've got a couple of spare guns on their defensive line....
SEIUbermetrics
"In a comparison between [MLB] teams with home stadiums that use Aramark and teams with home stadiums that do not, Workers United found that non-Aramark teams' average luck is .40 and Aramark teams' average luck is -1.93." [Workers United]...
Chinese Also Befuddled By "Pioneer Girl"
Even though many angry people voiced their displeasure with Blazer Girl's appearances on Deadspin, one newspaper has been wowed by her brazenness and her hatred of all things Los Angeles. Pioneer Girl to the rescue....
A Small Way To Liven Up Any Fantasy Draft
You might've missed this fantasy football draft over the weekend, and it's your loss. Like many, it took place in a hotel room. But unlike most, it featured those two magic little words: midget strippers....
Please Make This Cougar Phenomenon Go Away
Seriously. Just stop. Fellas, if you need a release that bad, act like everyone else and patronize your local washy-wash. You'll feel slightly less humiliated. [7x7]...
Plague Of Insects Descends Upon Scott Boras' Angel Stadium Suite
"The bees occupied his front-row seats directly behind home plate for the first two innings. They were removed with the help of a vacuum during the third inning." And then, lo, the Lord hardened the superagent's heart. [AP]...