whimsy Page 92 - Sports News, Headlines & Highlights
Annika Sorenstam: Liar
A couple weeks ago, we cried ourselves to sleep with the knowledge that we would never see Annika Sorenstam play professional golf again. Now it turns out that we may have been deceived! That final round where she received a celebratory champagne bath—after missing the cut—was simply her final round...
Old Cockfighting Magazine Quotes
"His cocks seemed invincible and by the end of the third day's battles those favoring other entrants were heard to remark 'the only way to kill them is with an axe.'" [The Pitch]...
"To The Hizzeeeeee!" Is Prepared To Sweep The Nation
Now that "boom goes the dynamite" has officially peaked as a cultural phenomenon, it's time to find a new contender for amateur sports announcer catchphrases that will set the internet on fire. The degree of difficulty on this one is much higher, because it's not the phrase itself that will leave yo...
How To Find A Doctor To Treat Your Secret Bullet Wound
You thought you could get through today without a Plaxico story! Silly! This one is a nice change of pace though, because it's not about tow trucks or angry mayors. It's about a website that allows patients to anonymously rate their doctors and provide little comments about their services—and it jus...
Cheeky Bloke Blags His Way To Footie Glory
I confess that I do not know a lot about soccer. Sure, I know some of the big names and will watch the occasional match in Spanish when flipping through obscure cable channels, but I don't pick up much of the nuance and detail that captivates the die hard enthusiast. So maybe some of the more enligh...
Vince Wilfork's Wife Has A Few Things She'd Like To Get Off Her Chest...In The Comments
As you all know, things can get a little messy in the comments section below. Cruel insults, ad hominem attacks, spineless cheap shots, etc. are pretty commonplace here and plenty of other online establishments. For most of you, this is done anonymously, behind the safety of an avatar, so you can, f...
When I Think Of Alluring Fragrances, I Think Of College Football
Looking for perfume for your sweetie for Christmas? Then you'll want to spring for the best, and what woman wouldn't want to go out on the town smelling like a Rose Bowl-eligible football team? Introducing Penn State fragrances for men and women. Ahh, smells like victory. Or Joe Patero's loafers....
UPDATE: New Orleans Saints Drop a Deuce, But It Isn't McAllister
Let it be known to New Orleans Saints' owner Tom Benson: your players will not tolerate you intra-business whoring. It seems Mr. Benson has this habit of bringing cars from the many dealerships he owns to the Saints' practice facility, and then trying to sell those cars to his players. It also seem...
Train Wreck of a Woman Who Had Hawkeye Sex in Bathroom Stall Comes Clean
We featured this as a quicklink, but given the amount of attention this poor woman is getting due to her unfortunate drunken sexcapades at the Iowa/Minnesota game last week, it's probably worth another look....
Why The Lions Belong On Thanksgiving
The Detroit Lions are (arguably, I know) the worst organization in sports. Their incompetence, from the owner to the fans, is legendary. Yet, tradition dictates that every year, just as families arrive at the homes of relatives they don't particularly care for in order to celebrate this giving of Th...
The Legend Of Scotty Brooks
As you may be aware—if anyone can ever truly be "aware" of Oklahoma City basketball—the Thunder fired head coach P.J. Carlesimo on Friday, because frankly ... the beard has seen better days. More importantly, he has been replaced on an interim basis with a name I thought I might never hear again—Sco...
What Is There To Do In State College, Pennsylvania?
Tomorrow morning, I will wake up at an unholy hour to drive to Penn State University for the foot-ball contest between the nation's two premiere land grant colleges. (Look it up.) It will be my first trip ever to Happy Valley and Beaver Stadium and part of my journey will be to figure out why there ...
Is This The Most Suggestive Sports Headline Ever Written?
When I worked at the Peninsula Times-Tribune in Palo Alto, Calif., (former home of Ray Ratto!) a young copy editor came up with a rather inadvertently amusing headline for a story in the features section: You May Be To Blame If Your Dog Won't Come. That still ranks in my top 10 of funny suggestive h...
George W. Bush: Fan Of The Sun Devils ... Or The Shocker?
If you've been on the Internet lately, you've probably seen this picture of the President of the United States making a hand gesture that you probably wouldn't make in front of your own mother. He only did it while posing with the men's and women's track teams from Arizona State University and then ...
Five Holes-In-One In One Week: Shenanigans?
My grandpa averaged about two rounds of golf a week for close to thirty years and one time, when he was in his late sixties, he finally nailed a hole-in-one. It was a pretty big deal, as most things are when you wait most of your adult life for them to happen. He got a trophy and everything. So it's...
Going For Gold At The Peasant Olympics
You didn't think that China spent $500 million of our hard-earned mortgage debt on the Bird's Nest just so some namby pamby athletes could run around inside it for two weeks and then let it sit empty, did you? There are plenty of other athletic contests that can be held there. Like the popular and e...
Gimme The Damn Drapes!
Keyshawn Johnson's post-NFL career as an ESPN analyst has established him as a compelling on-air personality. Television producers have noticed, and now the loudmouth former receiver with the sartorial flair is taking his eye for interior design to the people — and basic cable. In one of the wackies...
Why Can't They?: What City Most Deserves A Championship?
Of all the World Series-related emails I received on my day off—and my goodness there were a lot of them—I think this was my favorite: ...
Marisa Miller Plus Ryan Braun Equals A Whole Lot Of Ball Jokes
I like to imagine a scenario in which Milwaukee Brewers outfielder Ryan Braun is sitting in a conference room with his agent and a representative from the Remington razor corporation. An opportunity has been presented to the charismatic young slugger, but he is hesitant. "Remember," the Draper-esque...
It's Always Sunny In "Pittsburg"; "Phildelphia", Not So Much
Well, the weather map editors at MLB.com are obviously trying to provide their readers with the latest Doppler radar forecast for tonight's 1/3 game. Viewers in these fictional regions they've outlined on this map should consider themselves well informed. Can't knock them too much — I still get "Ci...