The Best Catalogs To Read While Pooping

It's Friday, and that means you're aggressively prepared to not do anything. It's a leisurely day, filled with put-off work, early drinks, and extended bouts of pooping.

Shitting without reading is one of the real wasted opportunities in life. Sometimes I'll take a shit where there's no reading material around and feel nothing but deep pangs of regret exit my body. There are so few places to sit down these days and concentrate. So any reading-free shit feels like a real tragedy.

Ideally, of course, you get to take a shit with either a very good magazine, or the USA Today Sports or Life sections, or perhaps even a printed out Simmons column. (But not Easterbrook. He causes stoppage). With good reading on hand, I actually have the physiological capacity to MILK a poop. Poops that can be finished in thirty seconds instead spend fifteen minutes moseying out of my body. You get more for your shitting dollar that way.

But sometimes, you don't have ready access to good shitter reading right when you need it. Sometimes, you're forced to grab whatever is at hand. And that means sometimes shitting while reading catalogs. I'll read virtually any catalog on the shitter because it beats reading nothing at all. And you will, too. In fact, I have decided to waste your time this Friday by ranking these catalogs in order of pooping superiority. Let's plop in.

1. Victoria's Secret. An obvious top dog. You poop, and then you masturbate. No better way to spend twenty or so minutes. Also acceptable here is the Adam & Eve catalog. Though, if you keep one of those in your place, you've probably read it 50,000 times already.

2. NFL Shop. Oooh! Steelers kegerator! And it's only $500! To you people out there without kids, listen to me right now: Spend all the available money you have on pointless material objects NOW. iPhones. Drugs. Nice dinners. Everything. Spend it all. Because once that kid arrives, you won't be able to spend money on anything fun. Ever. A friend of mine emailed the other day to recommend I buy a pair of noise-canceling headphones. They cost $300. Only someone without kids would be dumb enough to think a person with kids could spend money on something enjoyable like that.

Seriously though, the headphones sound awesome.

3. Dean & DeLuca. This is some fancy pants grocery store. I don't even know why I'm on the mailing list. They must have a database of white assholes who went to prep school. I love staring at pictures and reading descriptions of food that's too expensive for me to eat. Black truffles and caviar served on a thin slice of komodo dragon meat? One day, people. One day.

4. Harry & David. More food. Moose crunch > Moose knuckle.

5. Williams Sonoma. Like the above catalog, only with pots and pans included. OOH LOOGIT. A RICE MAKER! FOR MAKING RICE! There are also lovely pictures of spiral hams inside. I'm a big fan of smoked meat photography.

6. Brookstone. Whoa! Miniature air hockey table!

7. Pottery Barn. Gay.

8. Any non-lingerie clothing catalog. Pointless.

Yours in the comments. Head to stall and milk one, gang. You'll be that much closer to drinking time.