The Condom Follies. GREAT MOMENTS IN DRUNKEN HOOKUP FAILURE

Welcome to Great Moments in Drunken Hookup Failure, where we showcase four heartwarming true stories of drunken love gone horribly awry. Off we go.

Rubbers. They're designed to save you from the ravages of AIDS, open genital sores, and unwittingly sired children. You need them, and yet these little latex finger puppets have caused the male species nothing but heartache and agony since their inception. Here now are four men who paid the ultimate price for being considerate and responsible human beings.

David:

Back when I was in college I had the biggest crush on this girl, Sarah. Sarah was stunning and sexy. Every guy wanted her and she wanted nothing to do with any of us. She was in love with her high school sweet heart and she also thought she was better than the rest of us (and she was mostly right). One night junior year I ran into her at a house party and she seemed very down. After some prodding Sarah confessed the love of her life, her high school sweet heart had been cheating on her the whole time. I knew this would be a special special night for both of us..

Being the carrying sweet guy I am, I recommended we should get drink to drown her pain. I should mention I was already full blown, shit-faced when we met up.... so how much harm could a few more shots do? Well, after some leading conversation I convince her the best thing she can do is make up for lost time and have sex with me. The last thing I remember was leaving the party and some part of my brain whispered to me "We might not be okay."

I woke up the next morning laying face down, my head off the side of the bed, butt naked with one hand tucked between my legs and an epic hangover. As I tried to stand I felt a very uncomfortable sensation. Looking down I found that I was wearing a condom. A condom that had dried to the bed, to my junk, to my leg. After scrapping the rubber away from my sheets I waddled to the shower to do my best to remove the rest of the offending plastic. The dried condom left me with no hair and nasty rash on my leg, and worse, my junk. It was two weeks of pins and needles everytime I moved afterwards.

To make things worse a few hours later Sarah called to check in on me. I said I was okay but wanted to know what happened. She said we were naked (which means I saw her naked and don't remember it), I put on a condom and then passed out face first infront of her. Sarah said she tried to wake me with no success, finally she gave up and went home and left me to lay in my shame. I said, "I'm so sorry. I can't believe I did that. Can I take you out to dinner to make up for being such a shit heel?" she responded, "Nope". andhung up. Sarah never spoke to me again.

MG:

We made it back inside and started to do our thing, and at some point we decided it was time for protection. Only, she didn't have any and I don't carry one in my wallet, so someone had to weather the NYC streets for a condom trip.

I vaguely remember walking a few blocks to a convenience store, where I picked up 2 boxes of what I needed (I guess I was expecting 24 orgasms?), along with a six-pack of Bud Light…because, really, what's more romantic than rolling over from a bout of passion and sipping on a warm can of frat beer? Then I left for…

Where?

I suddenly realized that my dick had interfered with my last shred of consciousness, and I had paid absolutely no attention to where I had come from. Not owning a sense of direction, I was lost and sobering up enough to start to feel my onsetting case of blue balls.

Patrick:

I'm at a friend's party and am reasonably hammered. This girl Lisa who lives a couple of townhouses down has been at the party all night; she's pretty cute but my game has been DOA with her the whole evening. Around 2am or so, though, she walks over to the couch I'm sitting on, sits down on my lap and starts giving the extremely positive body language during the ensuing conversation.

So we end up at her place, making out in the kitchen and staircase and hallway in front of her bedroom and you get the idea, things are going well. Unfortunately I have no condom with me, because I'm 19 years old and a goddamn idiot. And because I'm a totally shitfaced goddamn idiot, I tell her to wait right there, I'll be right back. I run downstairs and back into my friend's house, where he graciously donates a condom to the cause.

I go back to Lisa's townhouse, but now the front door is locked. I decide the best way to handle this is to yell up to her bedroom window to let me in. No answer. So I figure she's fallen asleep, and if I beat on the front door loud enough she'll wake up, realize what she's missing and come down to let me in. About 5 minutes of intermittent knocking on her front door goes by. Now I'm just confused, so I go around to the back door and bang on it for a few minutes. No answer, so I go back to my friend's house and get him to dial her phone number:

"Hello?" "Lisa, come down and let me in!" "Who is this?" "Patrick!" *CLICK*

Of course I think, she's so eager to come let me in she hung up without saying anything else, so I go back down to her place. I'm knocking on her door for about the 75th time when I notice a police car pulling into the parking lot. About this time, my friend and his housemate come barreling out of their house, shouting at me to come back there NOW, but the cops are already spotlighting me. Cop asks me what is going on, I say I'm just trying to get inside. This is the wrong thing to say, and Cop informs me that the girl who lives there has called 911 to report someone trying to break into her house.

I say that's not the case, she knows me, I accidentally locked myself out. Cop gives my name to the dispatcher who has Lisa on the phone - Lisa claims she doesn't know me. Cop looks at me sideways for about 30 seconds and assumes she and I are involved but having a bf/gf argument of some sort. I see my opening, swear to the officer that I'm going back to my friend's house and staying inside for the rest of the night and there won't be any more trouble. Cop thinks about it, promises me that if he has to come back I'm going to jail, and leaves. I go back to my friend's place and start drinking again as by now I've completely lost my buzz.

The next day I find out that Lisa had spent the whole night sniffing around my friend's housemate, and after striking out with him had decided to try to piss him off by hooking up with me. When I left her place to get the condom she decided she didn't want to hook up, locked me out, and apparently I made her think I wasn't going to take "no" for an answer. My boxers were still on her bedroom floor, though, so I had a good reason for my persistence regardless. Needless to say, I never talked to her again. She did end up hooking up with my friend's housemate a couple of weeks after that, though, so hey, good for her.

Anonymous:

Back in 2002 I was a Sophomore in college and I went to visit my friend who was a freshman at her college. We had never hooked up before but there was always sexual tension between the two of us (actually I think she has sexual tension with any guy she encounters). Before I left to go to her school my roommate tells me to take a condom, to which I reply "No thanks, I will not need one, I doubt that will ever happen", to which he replies, "take it dumb ass and make it happen". I comply and put the condom into my duffel bag.

I get to her school, which is one of the larger party schools in the nation. She actually was going there on a cheerleading scholarship and she currently is a NFL cheerleader. We go out that night with the cheerleading team, end up at the football house, get messy drunk playing beer pong and taking shots, and we end back at her room around 1 a.m. super wasted ready to have some fun.

Now I had always dreamed of hooking up with her and the fact that it started to happen just blew my mind. We start making out, taking off clothes, fondling aforementioned luscious C-cup breasts, touching sweet little ass and I go down on her. She then says, "Oh, you are giving me the chills, do you have a condom? I can't get pregnant!". That is when I jump off the bed (which was lofted so it was about 4 feet off the ground) and start rummaging through my bag to find the condom. Within 10 seconds I find it, hop back on the bed and then whammy, condom falls out of my drunken hand and underneath the lofted bed which had tons of shit under it. She doesn't realize this and asks me to get going but I tell her that I dropped it and that I can't find it and she tells me to go get it. I start looking for it and after 3 minutes (which during hook-up time is the equivalent of falling into a black hole), I find it.

I jump back into the bed ready to re-commence the magic that I was making and then I heard the worst thing I have ever heard - "You know I don't think we should be doing this anymore."

Me: Why, what's wrong?

She then points to a picture on her wall of her previously mentioned ex and says "He would not approve of this" to which I reply back, "who cares about that dumb ass, this is awesome!". She then says no and I feel like crying but I got a good consolation prize of her sleeping topless for the night. The next day we went out to breakfast and she told me we would never speak of this again, and to this day we have not I always want to bring it up again because it was awesome, but I have not. Plus she and I are both happy in other relationships at the moment, but if I ever get the chance to hook up with her again, I will not drop the condom...

My friends now refer to all failures as DTC (dropping the condom). As for her ex and my one of my best friends at the time, she told him and he was pissed...