2. Shaquille O’Neal (@SHAQ), NBA pundit

It’s like someone gave the world’s most unfunny comedian seven million followers.

3. Major League Baseball (@MLB), official Twitter account of MLB

A robot capable of recognizing “internet funny” and totally incapable of replicating it.

4. Carl Weathers (@TheCarlWeathers), the guy who played Apollo Creed

BE PEACE every single tweet? BE PEACE every single tweet.

5. Joe Sheehan (@joe_sheehan), baseball writer

Brave iconoclast will spare no one in his assault on 1997's conventional wisdom.

6. War Machine (@warmachine170), MMA fighter/porn actor

Mr. Machine is too alpha for both MMA and pornography.

7. Richard Deitsch (@richarddeitsch), Sports Illustrated media reporter

It's something unpredictable, but in the end is right. Really, REALLY wants you to read about dead people in The Economist.

8. Ariel Helwani (@arielhelwani), MMA personality

Up-to-the-minute news from the Mean Gene Okerlund of MMA. "Journalist."

9. Brian Kenny (@mrbriankenny), baseball pundit

"Fuck off! 'Judean People's Front.' We're the People's Front of Judea!"

10. Bill Barnwell (@billbarnwell), football writer

Fine writer whose feed during games is a terrifying repository of know-it-allness. You will follow and unfollow a record number of times.

11. Alex Morgan (@alexmorgan13), soccer player

Treacly amalgam of rampant boosterism, outright shilling, profligate hashtags, and insightful observations that are neither.

12. Blaine Gabbert (@BlaineGabbert), NFL player

Nothing wrong with tweeting for the troops and patting America on the back. A lot wrong with letting Donald Trump do it for you.

13. Bomani Jones (@bomani_jones), sports pundit

Several thousand brilliant tweets snowed under 200,000 140-character mind farts.

14. Scott Miller (@scottmcbs), baseball writer

The sort of shit-peddling white-guy columnist who loves to write about "immature" Hispanic ballplayers. Half-literate moron.

15. BuzzFeeᴅ Sports (@BuzzFeeᴅSports), official Twitter account of BuzzFeeᴅ's sports vertical

“Here’s a bunch of GIFs that are not even loosely related to sports. It’s the internet, go fuck yourself.”

16. Pete Prisco (@PriscoCBS), football writer

Odious, thin-skinned columnist who exists only to lick the boots of NFL management. Doesn’t know when he’s being trolled.

17. Dave Zirin (@EdgeofSports), sports columnist

Speaks truth to power when not pimping himself to Grantland.

18. Kelly Dwyer (@KDonhoops), basketball writer

Passive-aggressive basketblogger. Acts like the toughest record-store clerk in your most badass local record store.

19. Dan Levy (@DanLevyThinks), lead writer at Bleacher Report

Still the self-appointed ombudsman of everything. Tried to get people to fund his dumb robot book.

20. Adam Rubin (@adamrubinespn), Mets beat writer

Go-to source if you want to know what the Mets' 18th-round draft pick had for breakfast.

21. Grantland (@grantland33), official Twitter account of Grantland

Satire is dead. Where does satire rank in the Literary Mode Pantheon?

22. Peter Gammons (@pgammo), baseball writer

dbbbbbb ppppp[[[

23. Phil Jackson (@philjackson11), former NBA coach

Fraudulent branding exercise's fraudulent branding exercise. Go do a TED talk already.

24. Jack Dickey (@jackdickey), former Deadspin editorial fellow

Disgusting man. Eats peanut butter with cheese.

25. Jason La Canfora (@jasonlacanfora), football writer

Lighten up, Francis.

26. Katie Baker (@katiebakes), writer for Grantland

Wedding scorecards, hockey galore, and gentle ribbing of Martha Stewart. It’s like having a marginally hip Canadian aunt.

27. Carmelo Anthony (@carmeloanthony), NBA player

Legend in his own mind knows this one weird trick.

28. The Iron Sheik (@the_ironsheik), former pro wrestler

A web entrepreneur or some shit tweeting mock-incoherently about current events in the guise of a broken-down old man. Go fuck yourself.

29. Chris Jones (@MySecondEmpire), magazine writer

Better a heart full of shit than an asshole pumping blood.

30. Duke Basketball (@dukeblueplanet), official Twitter account of Duke basketball

It’s about Duke basketball.

31. Mark May (@mark_may), college football pundit

The dumbest sports pundit on TV is somehow even dumber on Twitter.

32. Dan Dakich (@dandakich), radio host

Shitty radio host; the last man on earth willing to stick up for the NCAA.

33. Bill Simmons (@billsimmons), ESPN brand

Oh, shut up ...

34. Drew Magary (@drewmagary), Deadspin writer

... and that goes for you, too.

35. Ed Sherman (@sherman_report), proprietor of The Sherman Report

Dreary newspaper hack whose prose is worse than whatever press release he's rewriting. Dumb. Useless.

36. Bruce Arthur (@bruce_arthur), Canadian sportswriter

Pious bore. Climbs over David Broder's corpse to sermonize from high ground of today's safest issues. "Canada's best sportswriter," 2012.

37. Colin Cowherd (@ESPN_Colin), radio host

Race-baiting sports yakker who at his most lucid and broadminded sounds like the lost third author of The Bell Curve.

38. Marcus Vick (@MVFive), Michael Vick's brother

Remember your high school buddy’s shit-eating little brother? He grew up to be Marcus Vick’s Twitter account.

39. Jon Heyman (@JonHemanCBS), baseball writer

He’s like a carbon copy of colleague Scott Miller, but dumber.

40. Darren Rovell (@darrenrovell), sports business reporter

Consistently wrong sports business reporter who knows jack shit about both sports and business. Post-human.

41. Kristi Dosh (@SportsBizMiss), sports business reporter

Somehow Darren Rovell isn’t ESPN’s worst sports business reporter.

42. Jason Reid (@JReidPost), sports columnist

Bottom-rung columnist who spends his day sniping with people who point out how dumb his columns are.

43. Thomas Lake (@thomaslake), Sports Illustrated senior writer

Somehow manages to overwrite even when working with 140 characters.

44. Peter King (@SI_PeterKing), Sports Illustrated senior writer

Dull exponent of NFL conventional wisdom. Roger Goodell's best friend. Stoogedom mitigated by fact everyone knows he's a stooge.

45. MLB Memes (@MLBMeme), meme farm

Another “[x]Meme” account that operates entirely on ripped-off content. Who laughs at this shit?

46. Donovan McNabb (@donovanjmcnabb), former NFL quarterback

If your dad were a First Take moderator.

47. Isiah Thomas (@iamisiahthomas), former NBA executive

Deep thoughts.

48. MMA Roasted (@mmaroasted), MMA comedian

The world's worst and most obvious possible MMA jokes, delivered by a cretin.

49. Michael Kay (@realmichaelkay), Yankees broadcaster

Twitter account of Michael Kay.

50. Manish Mehta (@MMehtaNYDN), Jets beat writer

Too dumb to realize all he needs to do to troll Jets fans is report the news straight. Wanted to fire head coach two weeks before season.

51. Wright Thompson (@wrightthompson), magazine writer

Jes cain't cotton to ya'll's fancy city ways. Foghorn Leghorn with a Twitter login and an expense account.

52. Tim Marchman (@timmarchman), Deadspin deputy editor

"Am I too precious to write Hot Takes, or am I just too lazy to write them longer than 140 characters? I can't decide!"

53. Tommy Craggs (@tcraggs22), Deadspin editor-in-chief

The J.D. Salinger of Twitter, if all Salinger ever published had been "Hapworth 16, 1924."

54. Cristiano Ronaldo (@cristiano), soccer player

Synthetic android. Makes Darren Rovell look human.

55. Chipper Jones (@realcj10), former MLB player

Thanks for taking time away from your fishing boat and your cold ones to pick fights with random Twitter dudes, Larry.

56. Skip Bayless (@RealSkipBayless), sports pundit

Skip Bayless: still all in.

57. Doug Gottlieb (@GottliebShow), college basketball pundit

NCAA apologist. Surely a former DI athlete once popped for stealing money sees the difference between scholarship and salary.

58. Jason Whitlock (@WhitlockJason), ESPN brand

Incapable of expressing a thought that hasn't been filtered through the prism of a popular cable TV show.

59. ESPN Stats & Info (@ESPNStatsInfo), ESPN's official stat-peddling Twitter account

Irrelevant, needlessly specific stats that used to fill dead time during MLB/NFL broadcasts, now available 24/7.

60. Steve McPherson (@steventurous), basketball writer

Pretentious basketblogger.

61. John Buccigross (@Buccigross), SportsCenter anchor

Poetry and T-shirt pimping in equal insufferable measure. Almost makes you glad ESPN doesn’t cover hockey.

62. Ethan Sherwood Strauss (@SherwoodStrauss), basketball writer

Precious basketblogger.

63. Charles Robinson (@CharlesRobinson), investigative reporter for Yahoo

Mall cop coming to terms with the fact that no one goes to that mall anymore.

64. Thom Loverro (@thomloverro), radio host and Washington Times columnist.

Sports takes so hot and full of garbage they should come with a silver microwaveable sleeve and an antacid tablet.

65 & 66. Brandon McCarthy (@BMcCarthy32), MLB player; Amanda McCarthy (@Mrs_McCarthy32)

Exhibitionists. Ongoing Twitter flirtation is ruining Calvin and Hobbes for us. Just get it over with and fuck in public, you two.

67. Mike Florio (@ProFootballTalk), NFL's useful idiot

Florio word salad recipe: 1 cup, management garbage; 1 tbsp, out-of-nowhere moralizing. Drizzle with half-remembered contract law. Toss.

68. Dick Vitale (@DickieV), college basketball broadcaster

Oh good, the crazy old man found a new way to scream at you.

69. Josh Krulewitz (@jksports), flak

ESPN PR guy.

70. Jason McIntyre (@jasonrmcintyre), proprietor of The Big Lead

ESPN PR guy.

71. Patrick Hruby (@patrick_hruby), writer for Sports on Earth

“Tell me I’m pretty.”

72. Chris Kluwe (@ChrisWarcraft), former NFL punter

Unemployable Redditor. Are punters real NFL players? Not this one!

73. Deadspin (@Deadspin), official Twitter account of Deadspin

You won't believe how fast the high tone and sanctimony yield to SEO when it's time to scrabble for traffic [VIDEO]

Art by Jim Cooke