Again, we’re talking about Greg Schiano here, a proven failure as a head coach who let fucking Iowa hang a fiftyburger on his defense this season. Imagine dying on a hill for THAT guy. More than a few people have pointed out that Schiano is repped by powerful agent Jimmy Sexton. Would you surprised if all this concern-trolling was just a fucking favor to Sexton from a bunch of access-merchants? Of course not. The whole thing is sordid and gross from top to bottom. I hope Tennessee tries to hire him AGAIN.


Vikings at Falcons


Four Throwgasms

Patriots at Bills: One thing that’s killing me about the Jerry Jones/Roger Goodell feud is the fact that NFL owners apparently think replacing him would be a difficult task:

As one source explained it to PFT, no one currently in the league office is regarded as a capable, immediate replacement for Goodell. Tod Leiweke and Brian Rolapp are possibilities, in time. For now, though, there’s no one who could easily and seamlessly take over.


Okay, so two things. One: if there really isn’t anyone else in that office capable enough to replace Goodell, then why the fuck do they even work there? Two: It’s Roger Goodell, man. He’s EMINENTLY replaceable. Replace him with a fucking bronze bust of Lincoln at the negotiating table. I love these owners being like, “Oh man, how are we gonna find ANYONE to replace the sadistic dolt who loses every single legal case and PR battle and gets paid a mint for it? THOSE FELLAS DON’T GROW ON TREES!” Put me in charge of the executive search, NFL. I’ll find you a guy. There’s probably a FedEx branch manager in Lubbock who could do as lousy a job for half the price.


Three Throwgasms

Steelers at Bengals: I was in New York this week and one of the very few things I miss about living in New York is the staggering number of large midtown delis where you can grab shit from a hot buffet or go right to the counter and have them make a sandwich to order. These joints are always staffed by surly dudes who act personally offended that you decided to patronize their establishment. I got an Italian sub yesterday and the guy behind the counter was so annoyed that he had to fire up the griddle that I could hear him literally huffing as he made my sub. He threw the toppings on like he was littering. It was an amazing display of giving absolutely no fucks.


The sandwich was fucking unreal, by the way. My jaw ached for an hour after I finished it.

Chiefs at Jets

Lions at Ravens

Rams at Cardinals


Two Throwgasms

Skins at Cowboys: Wanna see something depressing? Go peruse Dez Bryant’s game log from this season. He hasn’t cracked 100 yards. He’s only scored 4 TDs. And you can’t blame that all on Dak Prescott, or on the suspension of Zeke Elliott. My friends, Dez… [lightning bolts shoot out from the heat of the take]… is OVERRATED. There. I said it. Dez sucks. He’s out there plodding through games like the Eddie Lacy of wideouts. He’s gotta juggle every catch because he can’t shake defenders. HE IS SLOW AND USELESS. I’m sure this take won’t come back to haunt me at all.


Bucs at Packers: Every time these two play I still have Berman crying out BAY OF PIGS in my head even though that reference never made any sense. It’s actually kind of inappropriate! “Hey, these two teams have BAY in their name. Remember when Jack Kennedy approved a covert CIA plan to overthrow the Cuban government that ended with hundreds dead? That was fun!”

Niners at Bears: Ben McAdoo could learn a thing or two from John Fox about how to handle a lost season. Foxy clearly gives no fucks and probably already has his office packed. Meanwhile, McAdoo is still out here acting like he’s still gonna be here next year. What a rube. Stop trying so hard, dummy. Take advantage of everyone mailing it in while you can. Have a drink.


Texans at Titans


 One Throwgasm

Broncos at Dolphins: While I am thoroughly enjoying #ChainSnatchGhazi the way a good football fan should, my old man take is that they should probably just tell players not to wear jewelry on the field. I remember LT would play every game with a dangling earring and I just kept waiting for his fucking earlobe to get ripped off. It made me uneasy. And chains aren’t cheap, man. I’d feel like a real dummy if I kept mine on during a game and a known chain-snatcher was playing opposite me. Leave that shit in the locker, man.


Giants at Raiders: A couple of Thanksgiving leftovers. First of all, the great Niki Achitoff-Gray over at Serious Eats recommends adding a bit of baking powder in when you salt turkey skin, and it worked like magic for me. That shit was like glass. Best skin ever.

Next up, people who listened to the Turkey Day Deadcast were asking about my wife’s mom’s bacon stuffing (based off the German semmelknödel), so here that is:


1 pack herbed stuffing cubes
1 pack bacon, fried up and chopped
Chopped parsley
4 eggs
2 cups warm milk
1 onion, chopped

Combine the eggs and milk, then add the other ingredients and then put it all in a loaf pan and bake it at 350 until golden brown. VOILA! Bacon stuffing loaf. Very healthy for you.


Browns at Chargers

Colts at Jaguars

Pregame Song That Makes Me Want To Run Through A Goddamn Brick Wall 

“A Million Fireflies,” by Greenleaf! Please don’t confuse this with that Owl City song. That song is for LOSERS. Reader David is here to set you straight:

With all due respect to Truckfighters (who are great, and admittedly have the best band name ever), for my money the title of Sweden’s premier stoner rock band goes to Greenleaf.


Indeed it does. I predict a bright future for Swedish stoner rock in general.

 Gregg Easterbrook Memorial Haughty Dipshit Of The Week


I was hoping for some quality Eli takes this week and Kevin Kernan of the New York Post did NOT let me down:

Once the classiest of franchises, the Giants have become the most clueless of franchises. Loyalty used to be their calling card. No more.

C ya, Eli.

Perfect. That is EXACTLY the kind of crowning pun I want from my tabloid postmortem. This team that used to employ Lawrence Taylor, who sent hookers to the opponent the night before games? CLASSY NO MORE. And then there was this fan missive from Jaclyn Hendricks:

The Giants took what was left of my fandom and crushed it Tuesday with a Big Blue hammer when they decided to callously bench Eli Manning.


Okay. All right. I am with Jaclyn on the fact that benching Eli was both clumsy and pointless, but come on, now. This is what breaks you? You’d last two weeks as a Browns fan if you’re this easily put out. OOOOH MY TEAM WASN’T CLASSY ENOUGH WHEN THEY DEMOTED THE REDNECK CANCEL MY SUBSCRIPTION, SIRS. C ya! Fuck off.

Manning deserved better. We deserved a proper goodbye at MetLife Stadium.

I’ve met you Giants fans. This trainwreck is very much what you deserve. You deserve this AND to have someone shit in your salad.



Rex Ryan’s Lock Of The Week: Seahawks +4


“Men. MEN. I was shopping for hardware today to build a custom sex wedge and as I approached the checkout line I let out a fart that could have brought down MOUNTAINS. We’re talking a real fucking call of the wild here, gentlemen! And the smell! HOLY SHIT IT SMELLED LIKE OCEAN DEATH! That checkout line cleared out for me like I was a sitting president passing through!

“And so, men, I want you to be like that fart. I want you to play DIRTY, and SMELLY, and GRIMY! Let the other man know you aren’t afraid to smear shit on your eyes and piss yourself in ANGER! Not everyone is willing to do that to win but YOU ARE! SHIT PISS KILL! SHIT PISS KILL! SHIT PISS KILL!


[another fart]

“Oh my Jesus! Now I gotta get out of my OWN way!”

Ryan 2017 record: 7-5

Fantasy Player Who Deserves To Die A Slow, Painful Death

Last week Robby Anderson had a monster game and I thought I had started him in DFS and was SO happy about it. But then I double-checked my lineup and, to my horror, I hadn’t started him at all. I had only CONSIDERED it, and that was enough to trick my brain into believing that I had actually drafted him. But no, I started Demaryius Thomas instead. That’s always the worst fantasy moment, when you think you’ve started a guy you didn’t start and they have a monster game. For that, I blame Demaryius Thomas. Shame on you, sir. HAVE YOU NO DECENCY?


Fire This Asshole!

Is there anything more exciting than a coach losing his job? All year long, we’ll keep track of which coaches will almost certainly get fired at year’s end or sooner. And now, your potential 2017 chopping block:


Chuck Pagano***

Hue Jackson

Sean McDermott

Jason Garrett

Bruce Arians

Todd Bowles

Adam Gase

Vance Joseph

Dirk Koetter*

John Fox*

Ben McAdoo******

Mike McCarthy

(*-potential midseason firing)

I’m still processing the news that Herm Edwards is going to Arizona State. I cannot even imagine the amount of eye-rolling those kids are gonna do when Herm storms into a meeting room in early August and is like ARE YOU BOYS READY TO WORK BECAUSE IT TAKES WORK TO BECOME A TRUE CHAMPION! and the whole room is dead silent for a good minute afterward.


Great Moments In Poop History 

Reader Austin sends in this story I call POOPHANGER:

Back in college I took some summer classes in northwest Montana, the best of which was an ecology class that consisted of hiking in some of the most beautiful wilderness in America. On a particularly spectacular hike, our professor pointed out a small, yellow flower called a Glacier Lily that happens to be edible and quite delicious. I proceeded to eat those sweet little devils the entire hike up to the summit because I’m a stupid man glutton.

While taking in all of nature’s glory on top of that mountain, my stomach was devolving into a hell-on-Earth cauldron. On the descent, I casually started to slink to the back of the pack, anticipating a normal albeit emergency shit in the woods. Unfortunately, there was heavy undergrowth on either side of the trail, and with nowhere else to go and time running out, I dropped trou and evacuated right in the middle of the path.

It was fast, heavy, and upon inspection, the largest pile of bright yellow shit that is humanly possible to discharge. You know that pile of Triceratops crap in Jurassic Park? Mine was a similar shape and size. But the reason I remember this poop so vividly is the certain confusion caused to whatever poor creature next hiked up that trail. A deer certainly would run off quickly, sensing a tumeric-obsessed bear must be nearby. A scavenging coyote probably would eat it thinking it was some discarded custard from a hiker. And a human? I don’t think the best naturalist in the world could identify that poo tower. I’ve always hoped it was some yuppie California family just from a pure shock and awe perspective. Lesson - consume Glacier Lilies in moderation.


I’ll be honest. I kinda wanna try some of those flowers now. And see my poop from them too!


Gametime Snack Of The Week


Little toasted coconut cookie thins! These things like dainty and stupid, right? The kind of shit you put out at high tea for old ladies too polite to eat anything? My friend, you are WRONG. These things are pure evil. I can down both sleeves in half a second. It’s the thinness that makes them so consumable. I remain deluded that if the food is skinny, I shall remain so. This is untrue.


Gametime Cheap Beer Of The Week 


CAYBREW! From John:

I wanted to nominate Caybrew Light for cheap beer of the week. It’s basically the Bud Light of the Cayman Islands, which for tax purposes, I’m sure is literally Bud Light served in different packaging. There is literally nothing remarkable about this drink. It is the Alex Smith of beers.


Well if that’s true, then the first sips are really good before it turns to piss. HEY-OOOOOOOOO!!!!

Jim Tomsula’s Lifehack Of The Week!


“You don’t need to lock your office if you got a good mutt by your side, okay? I found one of my guard mutts, Casey, under a pile of discarded mufflers. She’ll bite right through steel, all right, but you give her half a dead squirrel and she’s loyal for LIFE. I mean, she still nips off a toe of mine here and there, but otherwise she’s Team Tomsula. Anyone steps to me and tries to take my bindle, or my knife, or my prized collection of jars, or my flint, or my 1988 copy of Velvet, or my shavin’ rock, and they’re gonna have to deal with HER. Casey’s better than any lock or alarm, believe that. One time she bit a tweaker’s head clean off. Served him right for trying to grab my tarp.”

Sunday Afternoon Movie Of The Week For Browns Fans

Wonder Woman, which is a good movie in part because it features one hero and one supervillain, and that’s it. There should be a fucking law, man. There should be a law preventing every superhero movie from being a confusing gangbang of heroes and villains. They can’t even keep the spinoff standalone superhero movies free of ancillary heroes. It’s fucking annoying. “Hey, we know you love this one superhero, BUT… what if we added in a cameo from DeathGuard as a way of teasing some other movie in the works?” Just tell me a goddamn story. It’s like if they forced every TV show to cross over with every other TV show. My fucking kingdom for a movie that only has Batman and the Joker.


Gratuitous Simpsons Quote

“Aw, if they hire a woman we won’t be able to spit on the floor!”


Enjoy the games, everyone.