The Percy Harvin Trade Is Great News For Football And Horrible News For Me

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Percy Harvin is headed to Seattle. Let's deal with this news, first with reason and then with angry, drunken homerism.

SOBER, RATIONAL ANALYSIS: The Seahawks just acquired the best running wideout in pro football. Prior to Adrian Peterson's second-half explosion this season, you could argue that Harvin was Minnesota's most valuable player. He catches everything. He never goes down on first contact like other wideouts. You can line him up virtually anywhere on the field, which makes him doubly valuable when paired with quarterback Russell Wilson, who is gifted as both a pocket passer and a running quarterback operating out of the Pistol. If you have Wilson lined up in the Pistol with Harvin behind him, defenses are basically fucked. Harvin can be a downfield threat AND he can be Darren Sproles AND he can be used as a second emergency penis if Fred Smoot is in a bind. He's extremely versatile. Seattle was already a favorite to win the NFC next year. With Harvin, they assume front-runner status.


DRUNKEN, ANGRY, BITTER HOMER ANALYSIS: OH GOD NO WHAT THE FUCK GAHHHHHHHH!!!! DEATHLY LUST, THIS CAN'T BE REAL... (takes long chug from Popov bottle, lets out 20-minute wince once the aftertaste kicks in) You know he's gonna become magically healthy now, right? He's never miss a goddamn game now that he's not on MY team. Now it's gonna be, "Oh, those headaches? Turns out I was just dehydrated."

This fucking blows. Percy Harvin will score 16 touchdowns next year and his mashed potato brain will be magically healed thanks to Russell Wilson's OH MY GOD WHAT A FINE YOUNG MAN WE TALKED TO HIM DURING THE WEEK AND WERE BLOWN AWAY BY HIS COMPOSURE. Meanwhile, Christian Ponder just gave Michael Jenkins the clap.


Everything is horrible. This is not how you handle malcontents. When you have a player who is angry about his contract situation, you do one of two things: 1) Pay him (and Harvin certainly earned it), or 2) Do not pay him and see long he can go without getting paid. Because NFL players can NEVER go long without getting paid. They need weed money and shit. Even Mike Brown, who is the fucking WORST, was smart enough to win a contract staredown with Chad Johnson.

I don't care if Percy Harvin banged Zygi Wilf's mom (what a dish!), when you have a player who is that young and that talented, you don't trade them for the 97th pick in the first round, which has a far less chance of hitting paydirt than the guy who is already a Pro Bowl talent (the Vikings also got a seventh rounder, which is worthless, and a "midround" selection next year, which I guarantee you will turn out to be a fourth- or fifth-rounder, which sucks). And you DEFINITELY don't trade him to a team with Russell Wilson and Pete Carroll's pimp walk and GOD I AM SO FUCKING ANGRY THERE ARE LASERS SHOOTING OUT OF MY EYES RIGHT NOW PEW-PEW-PEW-PEW-PEW.


As you know, the NFL offseason is endless and depressing. And so moves like this become exponentially significant. This one day essentially defined the offseason for two teams. One team's fanbase is, I would have to imagine, elated. The other... ANGUISH. This one day will cause weeks and months of stewing, viscous hatred. It will fill the football-less void and replicate, like a tumor, until all is black and dying. And then my team will draft Troy Williamson's cousin and the seventh seal shall be broken.

I hate the world.