The Substitute Has Arrived

Good morning! Dan Shanoff here. (First things first: I cannot dunk, obviously. That photo to the right was taken on a 7-foot rim, and even then I needed a boost.)

I am best known for shallow superlative pronouncements. I used to do this. Now I do this. Whether you think I have upgraded or tumbled is the debate you have after you argue whether Paris is being mistreated or coddled. Which is to say: It's not a debate worth having, particularly when you've got a day ahead like we have got.

Normally, I write blog posts that cram everything into one post. Today, I'll write single-topic blog posts that are padded like a 13-year-old at her bat mitzvah. Here's a preview of the day's lineup: Clemens, Vick, Hookers, Domestic Violence, Nudity, Horses. So for all intents and purposes, this will be just another average day at Deadspin.

Caveat: I am not MJD. I barely put the "D" in MJD. You have been alerted. I try to be funny, but I am not. I try to be insightful, but I am not. I am the Substitute Teacher, which means when my back is turned at the chalkboard, I'm quite sure the insurrection will begin.

What I will say is that all of your tips are welcome. You can email them to the usual "Tips" box, but since Will is out of town, you may be ignored. Instead, send them to danshanoff[at]gmail.com. If they're new for today's news, all the better. Now: Be gentle. — D.S.