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The Titanic Of Failed Hookup Stories [Very NSFW]

Welcome to Great Moments in Drunken Hookup Failure, where we showcase three heartwarming true stories of drunken love gone horribly awry. Off we go.

Blondie:

I'm great friends with a guy (Alex) I used to date for years and we hook up every now and then when neither of us is attached. One Saturday in early March 2008 we decided to take Alex's boat out on to the Colorado River and put in at our usual ramp. (The boat is a bass boat – no open bow. I point this out because it has a direct bearing on subsequent events.)

The temperatures were normal (mid 80s) and due to it being so early in the season we had the entire river to ourselves; nary a watercraft in site on either the California or Arizona side of the river. I might add that just because the air temperatures were somewhat warm, the water was probably more like 65 degrees due to the snowmelt coming down from the mountains and we had NO desire to actually get in the water that day.

It being a day off from work for us, and naturally being on the water, we watched the sun rise with what was to be the first of many, many cocktails throughout the day. We cruised north for about ten or twelve miles, and having the river completely to ourselves, we decided to engage in a little "fun and games," namely on the bow of the boat since it was flat. The water was like glass, no wakes and so smooth it was like being on terra firma.

We were really going at it (I was on top) when I noticed the boat rocking but wrote it off as us making it rock! How wrong I was. I looked up to see a LARGE party barge about a half mile north of us. And this fool was crisscrossing the river, going from shore to shore, at a speed that was creating some very large wakes.

I hopped off (Alex, not the boat), stood up, and that is when a large wake rocked the boat and I became airborne. I land on the bow of the boat in a sitting position (with legs straight out), bounced once and fell over the port side and into the drink. The water wasn't actually as cold as I had thought (perhaps the cocktails had something to do with that) but my ass hurt like hell! (On reflection I'm lucky I didn't crack my skull or worse!)

Alex extended a hand and I climbed aboard (the boat, not Alex). We vacated the vicinity of the party barge but the desire to resume playtime was shot. We spent the rest of the day cruising the river then hauled our tired bodies home.

So let this serve as a warning that watercraft, alcohol and sex often mix, they just on occasion do not mix well. Once in a while things can go horribly, painfully awry, as you can see in the photo of my broken tailbone. X-rays confirmed it, and it took three years of me sitting on a pillow before it healed as much as it could. I'll always have problems with that break.

Ay caramba!

Chris:

It was the first 3-day weekend of the semester my freshman year at a State University in Pennsylvania and all my friends were going home because most of them were from reasonably nearby. Being from eastern Long Island I was 400 miles from home without a car and stuck by myself for the weekend. I was pretty resigned to a full weekend of working on my Hornets NBA Live dynasty when this kid Mike who lived across the hall knocked on my door that Friday night. He quickly explained to me that for a while he's been trying to sleep with this girl from Florida and this weekend is his best chance cause no one is around to cockblock him. The only problem is her roommate, also from Florida, is still here as well. He made it sound like I'd be doing him a big favor if I got drunk with him and these two girls from Florida.

I went to his room at 8 and he told me that as long as I didn't say anything stupid I could probably bang the friend. I still had no expectations for the night and was just happy to have something to do. This all changed the second the girls walked into the room. They were both gorgeous with perfectly tanned bodies. I was shocked when I realized that Mike was going for Alex the Spanish looking girl and Tiffany the platinum blonde with huge tits was supposedly the one I had a chance with. Scared that they might leave at any second if I said something stupid I kept pretty quiet while we all shared a 2-liter plastic bottle of vodka. All these girls talked about was how much they hated Pennsylvania and I quickly realized this was my best chance to make conversation since I completely agreed with them.

We proceeded to take turns talking about how backwards PA was and taking shots. When the two girls excused themselves to go to the bathroom I was completely flummoxed when Mike poured the remainder of the Vodka out his window. He told me when the girls came back me and Tiffany were going to go to my room to get the non-existent vodka I had there and that under no circumstances was I or Tiffany to come back to his room for at least an hour.

When the girls came back and Mike ushered us out of the room I, for some reason, became convinced Tiffany was going to bug out when we didn't find any vodka in my room. Not even thinking for a second about the possibilities of having a drunk and hot girl in my room, I was only thinking about my elaborate lie about why we couldn't find any vodka. After searching behind my bed for the vodka I didn't have I turned around to find Tiffany already topless. She jammed her tongue down my throat before I could even think. After about 45 seconds of kissing we were naked in my bed when she asked if I had a condom. I had no condoms.

I told her I could pull out but she said that wasn't the issue since she was on birth control. She just didn't wanna have unprotected sex with someone she just met. I knew this was the hottest girl I'd probably ever kiss let alone have sex with so I lied and told her I was a virgin, hoping that this would convince her not to worry about condoms but it completely dropped the hammer on my whole night. She proceeded to tell me the long story about how she lost her virginity when she was 14 and still isn't over it. After 10 minutes of trying to convince her I wouldn't be traumatized by it she still wouldn't relent. Right before she passed out she told me it was such a shame she doesn't give blowjobs anymore because she was really good at them.

Three years later I hadn't talked to her since that night and she was waitressing the table next to mine at Hooters. While I was in the bathroom taking a piss two frat bros were talking about how she gives by far the best blowjobs they've ever had.

VR:

I worked as a bouncer at a bar in Arlington VA. This was only a part time gig for me, just a little extra cash on the side, so to me, flirting with drunk girls was more important than doing my job. One night, I'm standing post when I notice a girl keeps looking over at me. After about 15 minutes of catching casual glances, I decide to give her the head nod (to tell her
to come over).

We start talking, hit it off, things are going great. I managed to convince my boss to let me have the rest of the night off so I can pursue things with her. Eventually the bar closes, me and her stay for an extra drink or two (she thought this was amazing, since I knew all the bouncers they didn't have a problem hooking me up).

She then tells me her friends are outside waiting for her, so I offer to give her a ride home in hopes she would invite me back to her place. She accepts the offer, and once we get in the car, the heavy making out begins. She proceeds to tell me she lives at home with her parents, so that's out of the picture, but she asks me if my bed is "comfy" (direct quote). Of course I make this bed sounds as if it's made of clouds, so she agrees to come back to my place.

Once back there, she suggests we watch a movie on the couch. The movie hasn't even past opening credits and she is on top of me starting to take off her clothes. I consider just doing the deed their on the couch, but I've got a dog and I feel weird having him watch, so I suggest we move to my bed.

Finally in my room, things continue to advance, so I get up to put a condom on. Once the condom is on, immediately upon the first thrust she bursts into tears...I take this as a compliment, and I ask her if I hurt her. She tells me no, and that she can't do this, and that she just got out of a relationship with a bouncer, and how she was just trying to get back at him by banging another, but she couldn't do it. She apologized, and thanked me for being so understanding. I didn't bother to get her number, because I knew I would never see her again. I called her a taxi, and I have never seen her or her friends step inside my bar again.

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