This Kid Was Promptly Beaten Up By Players From Eight Different Countries

Because no one reads the newspaper, and SportsCenter's anchors are too perky for this early in the morning, Deadspin combs the best of the broadsheets and internets to bring you everything you need to know to start your day.

•Rich Harden and three Rangers relievers combined to come within two outs of a no-hitter, before Joe Mauer broke it up. It was the fifth no-hitter lost in the ninth this season. I guess those pitchers were just saving it for the Rays.

•Of the 120 FBS schools, more than half turned a profit on football and basketball, though only 14 schools' athletic departments are profitable overall. Still want to talk about paying student athletes? Most businesses won't pay big salaries while they lose money, except for on Wall Street.

•Because it worked out so well the first time, Jordan and the Bobcats sign Kwame Brown. Fun fact: neither has made much of a contribution to the NBA since 2001.

• Albert Pujols hit his 399th career home run, which just happened to give him 24 homers and a .385 average at PNC Park, leading pundits to speculate why he does so well in that ballpark. Hint: it's the Pirates, not the stadium.

• The Jets lock up Nick Mangold for seven years. Tim Cowlishaw looked at Mangold, and went, "ohhh, that's who I meant."

•Marlins President David Samson, possibly while diving into a vault of money, said MLB will be looking into the leak of yesterday's MLB financial documents, and they'll be seeking legal recourse.

(Screengrab courtesy of 30fps) •••••

Tuesday. Stay frosty.