Time To Open The Big Can Of Monkey Whupass

Thankfully, late-night monkey zoo abductions have been virtually stamped out here in the U.S. But in Great Britain, where they are common, monkeys must be ever vigilant. Still smarting from the owl fiasco at the Moscow Zoo, the same gang of thugs apparently decided on a monkey heist for their next caper, with predictable results.

A bunch of animals made a monkey out of a thief when they scratched and bit him as he stole a primate from a zoo, a court heard yesterday. The creatures were said to have gone wild as a gang, including Marlon Brown, broke into an enclosure to steal Bolivian squirrel monkey Spongebob. Brown bled from his wounds, allowing police to identify him through his DNA, it was alleged.

We would love to be at this trial. "The monkeys will all quiet down and take their seats, or the bailiffs will clear this courtroom!" Other key passages from the story:

• He was found in the street a few days later and returned to his home — only to be spurned by his fellow monkeys.

• One jumped on Brown's head as he reached into their cave to retrieve his passport, which had fallen from the rucksack.

• 'He had been quite a laidback, happy little monkey. He was very thirsty and had a kink in his tail he didn't have beforehand.'

Let this be a lesson to all. Murder by owl ... vicious monkey spankings ... it just doesn't pay to enter the zoo after hours.

Monkey Attack 'Helped Catch Thief' [Metro UK] Hoot, There It Is [Deadspin]