Today's Ridiculous Sex Rumor That Explains England's World Cup Collapse

Did you hear? The English soccer team did not do so well at the World Cup. Want to know why? A locker room divided over a teammate's extramarital affair, of course. Stop me if you've heard this one.

The Sun reports today that England was TORN APART by a dispute between captain Steven Gerrard and the man he replaced at the helm, John Terry. It was so fractious that noted international diplomat David Beckham had to be called in to mediate. It helped a lot, obviously. Allegedly, Gerrard felt that Terry—who lost the captaincy after having an affair with the girlfriend of his Chelsea teammate—was undermining his authority. But is that REALLY what's going on?

Take it away anonymous message board poster:

You heard it here first..... please read below what is about to come out —

hope you are well

The courts have held a gagging order for a further 2 weeks on Steven Gerrard's private life. Rumours at the time were that he got a 16 year old pregnant. At the time the only details known were that he got someone pregnant, but the name was never revealed and most assumed it was because she was under 18. But it turns out he got his wife's sister pregnant.

Unless it gets extended yet again, which it shouldn't based on the reasoning of this extension it will hit the newspapers in 14 days (the judge extended the gagging order to protect FA while they decide on Capello, and the future of English football).

John Terry and the rest of the England camp all know about it and JT had an argument with Capello in South Africa because Gerrard got to keep the captains armband, while he was stripped of it. The tension in the camp was down to JT and half the team saying Gerrard was a disgrace, while the other half of the squad were backing Gerrard. The press conference that Terry had was related to the tension and JT wanted Gerrard exposed, as they hate each other.

Does any of this make sense? Yes, it's true that weeks ago rumors were swirling that Gerrard got a 16-year-old girl pregnant and had a court gag order to shut her up. The News of The World was going to break the story any day, but it doesn't appear that they've gotten around to publishing that yet. Then there were rumors that his wife, Alex Curran, was having an affair with another footballer. Shockingly, no definitive word on that one either. The couple is still together and she's even writing soccer dispatches for News of the World.

But John Terry definitely had an affair with his teammate's girl, so does it really seem likely that half the squad would find his horndoggery charming, while finding Gerrard's despicable? Especially when you consider that Alex Curran might not even have a sister. (I haven't found a definite answer either way, but at the very least it's in dispute.)

This rumor has a decidedly formulaic ring to it doesn't it? Imagine ... Villanova basketball, the Flyers, the Cavs, and the English soccer team all done in by teammate affairs and all the same year! What remarkably coincidences! It's true that, given the Chelsea situation, I would put anything past the members of the Three Lions but this convenient narrative sounds a little too convenient.

Terry and Gerrard play for rival Premier League teams. Can't they just hate each others' guts for some other, less sexy reason?