What Did We Get Stuck In Our Rectums Last Year?

It’s Christmas Day, and you know what that means: time to plumb the depths of the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission’s database of emergency room visits. We’re looking for the weirdest, least explicable, and most awkward objects that America has shoved inside its various holes. God bless us, everyone.

As always, objects sorted by orifice, working south:

SAFETY RAZOR

MECHANICAL PENCIL LEAD—“HER FRIEND ACCIDENTALLY DROPPED IT IN THERE”

FINGER RING

PIECE OF FOAM FOOTBALL

“PUT TISSUE PAPER IN EAR TO KEEP HAIRSPRAY FROM GETTING IN EAR”

TOY CELL PHONE

“WAS DOING A MAGIC TRICK AND STUCK A TOY EYEBALL IN EAR”

SEASHELL

BEAN

PIECE OF STRING

“PATIENT CLAIMS SOMEONE HID A PIECE OF CRAYON IN HIS EAR TODAY IN SCHOOL”

PIECE OF SOAP

RUBBER BAND

“LADYBUG FLEW IN EAR WHEN RIDING BIKE. NO MENTION OF HELMET”

FISH HOOK

“SOMEONE THREW A BB AND IT LANDED IN PATIENT’S EAR”

TOY STICKY HAND

POTPOURRI

PLASTIC RASPBERRY FROM A FLORAL ARRANGEMENT

“HAD LEAD FROM A PENCIL IN BOTH EARS AND A PIECE OF BLUE PAPER IN LEFT EAR”

GRASS

GASOLINE

ROSARY BEAD

KNITTING NEEDLE

“PATIENT STATES ROACH WAS IN EAR, STABBED IT WITH PIN, SUSTAINED PERFORATION OF TYMPANIC MEMBRANE”

LEGO

PIECE OF CHOPSTICK

“12 YEAR OLD MALE STATES THAT LAST EVENING, HE STUCK A PLASTIC BB INTO HIS EAR. ‘JUST BECAUSE.’”

PIECE OF BLUETOOTH EARPIECE

A SMALL RED BATTLESHIP PIECE FROM THE GAME

TIN FOIL

ORANGE POM-POM

CANDLE WAX

“WAS PLAYING WITH A BALLOON & IT ACCIDENTALLY POPPED & A SMALL PIECE WENT INTO HIS NOSTRIL”

HAIR TIE

DOLL’S SHOE

HALLOWEEN DECORATION

“WHILE ATTEMPTING TO DO MAGIC TRICK STUCK A PENNY UP NOSTRIL”

PILLOW STUFFING

SPONGE

SCREW

TOY CAR WHEEL

PEANUT

“WAS FOUND IN BATHROOM STUFFING TOILET PAPER UP NOSTRIL”

MOLDING CLAY

PEBBLE

CHAPSTICK

STRAWBERRY-SMELLING STICKER

WET PIECE OF CARDBOARD

BROOM

MARSHMALLOW

LIGHTER

“WAS EATING BEEF JERKY, WHEN HE OPENED THE PACKAGE OF SILICA AND SPRINKLED IT ON THE BEEF JERKY”

GOLD TOOTH

CONFETTI

“A METAL DECORATION FROM HER PANTS”

TAPE

PERFUME BOTTLE CAP

CANDY WRAPPER

“PATIENT WAS DANCING AROUND THE HOUSE WHEN PATIENT SWALLOWED A QUARTER”

“SWALLOWED A QUARTER WHILE BRUSHING TEETH”

PIECE OF A CD

PLASTIC EYES ON STUFFED TURTLE

KEY CHAIN

BALLOON OF MARIJUANA

“ATE A HOT DOG WRAPPED IN BACON WITH TOOTHPICK INSERTED IN IT, SWALLOWED TOOTHPICK”

PIECE OF PLASTIC FROM VACUUM-SEALED BEETS

WIG

TOILET PAPER HOLDER

2 AA BATTERIES, 2 LOCKS WITH KEYS,

BULLET

“DRINKING FROM A SODA CAN SWALLOWED A BEE BEE STUNG PATIENT IN THROAT”

HALF A PENCIL

PENCIL ERASER

PEN CAP

PEN

MARBLE

COAT HANGER

“PUT A PLASTIC STRAW IN HIS PENIS WHILE HE WAS HIGH ON CRYSTAL METH”

PLASTIC TUBING

SCREWDRIVER

MAGNETS

MAKEUP BRUSH

FOLDED UP PAPER CUP AND STICKERS

CELL PHONE

HUSBAND’S PENIS RING

PERFUME BOTTLE

TWO TAMPONS

TOY PLASTIC SPOON

MAKEUP SPONGE

GOLF BALL—“WANTED TO DO PELVIC FLOOR EXERCISES”

A JINGLE BELL

PIECE OF PLASTIC REINDEER

WET WASHCLOTH

EARRINGS

VIAL OF FENTANYL

TOY TEAPOT

SNORKEL

“THINKS HE HAS TOOTHBRUSH CASE IN RECTUM, DOESN’T KNOW HOW B/C HE WAS DRUNK”

TOY BABY BOTTLE

GLASS BOTTLE

“THOUGHT SOMEONE WAS AFTER HIM SO HE PUT PLASTIC BAG/PILL BOTTLES UP RECTUM”

“CRAYONS AND COINS”

DICE

HANDLE OF TOILET PLUNGER

TOILET BRUSH

“7 YEAR OLD MALE WATCHING A VIDEO INVOLVING ALIENS RECTAL PROBING PEOPLE AT HOME, DECIDED TO TRY IT, PUT PLASTIC TOY SCREW IN RECTUM”

SALT SHAKER

SMALL TOY

LARGE TOY

PLASTIC “SQUINKY” TOY

“CONSTIPATION—DILDO STUCK IN RECTUM”

SCREWDRIVER

WATER GUN

BATHTUB DRAIN PLUG

BOBBY PIN

LARGE ELASTIC STRING

“ENTERTAINING GUESTS BY INSERTING THE WOODEN LEG OF A CHAIR INTO HIS RECTUM”

MARKER IN A GLOVE

“HAS 2 GOLF BALLS UP RECTUM AND WANTS TO HAVE REMOVED”

FLASHLIGHT AEROSOL CAN

SHAMPOO BOTTLE

CAN OF HAIR MOUSSE

HOMEMADE DILDO

TOY SHARK

“WAS AT A ‘FISTING PARTY’ AND HAS A SPIKEY RUBBER BALL THAT LIGHTS UP STUCK IN RECTUM.”

EGG