Some people are fans of the New England Patriots. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the New England Patriots. This 2016 Deadspin NFL team preview is for those in the latter group. Read all the previews so far here. And buy Drew’s new book here.
Your team: Earth’s tumor. Fuck you. Eat shit. Die. Hop on the T and ride it straight into the toilet.
Your 2015 record: 12-4, ending in an AFC title game that Gary Kubiak was just DYING to give away. He was protecting that 8-point lead with all the authority of a treehouse lookout. And yet, the New England Patriots—that band of cheating asshole dipshits and the river of human sewage that they call a fanbase—still couldn’t overtake the Broncos despite Kubiak’s generosity, and despite Peyton Manning residing in hospice care. I have never seen a team get away with playing that scared in that important of a game. I guess it helps when Tom Brady plays like absolute shit (his o-line coach was the eventual scapegoat) and Bill Belichick thinks it’s a good idea to go for it on 4th-and-6 with no line against the best defense in the universe. Getting outfoxed by Gary Kubiak should mark the end of your credibility, fuckfaces.
Your coach: Bill Belichick, seen here after your dad caught him fucking your mom…
And seen here with Donald Trump.
FUNNY HOW TRUMP KEEPS POPPING UP AROUND THIS TEAM.
Frankly, I’m stunned that Belichick ever allows his photo to be taken, or his name to be publicly released. Bill Belichick is probably a fake name, now that I think about it. His birth name is probably Dave Hitler. He is a faceless monster from the Upside Down.
Anyway, along with making questionable situational decisions on fourth down against Denver, you might also remember that Belichick elected to kick off in overtime against the New York Jets, a mistake even the Jets somehow managed to capitalize upon. He also staged a breathtakingly stupid drop kick against Philly, which helped spur a comeback by an Eagles team that had already given up on their coach. And he gave the Dementor’s Kiss to a female ref. Quite a year.
Yes, Belichick is free to skirt conventional wisdom and make unorthodox decisions—like, say, drafting Ras-I Dowling—once in a while. But God forbid you ever question his savvy in those moments. God forbid you challenge Grumpmaster Flash on proper football strategy, or question his ethics when other teams accuse him of planting bugs in the locker room, and installing buggy headsets for the visiting team, and gluing your accelerator pedal to the floor. HOW DARE YOU QUESTION THE MOTIVES OF THIS HIGHLY SECRETIVE MAN? He’ll spit in your eye if you do, and these fans will eat it up. YEAH YOU FACKIN’ TELL ‘EM, BILLY BOY!
Your quarterback: Orange County housewife Tom Brady, seen here watching a butterfly go past.
By now, you know that Brady had his four-game Ballghazi suspension reinstated and finally dropped his appeal. Your temporary replacement QB is softcore-porn-movie-pizza-boy Jimmy Garoppolo. If he wins all four of these suspension games and posts a 100 QB rating in September, half of all WEEI listeners will forget they even knew Brady. At some point—be it now or in the near future—Brady’s skills will definitively erode, and the Patriots will take him out back and shoot him like the fancy dog he is. And I sincerely hope that Garoppolo doesn’t turn out to be his official replacement, because spelling his name is a real bitch.
Either way, I’ll be glad when Brady is gone because he has all the personality of a sleeping Derek Jeter. One of the reasons he managed to lose two Super Bowls to Eli Manning is because he’s secretly twice as dumb as that slack-jawed bumpkin. Brady clearly loves Donald Trump because Trump invited him to some stupid golf party once and then complimented his wife’s ass. His fitness guru is a repulsive fraud who, just like Russell Wilson, pushed a magic, concussion-preventing beverage on people. He lets his barber choose his hairstyle by leafing through whatever copy of W magazine happens to be lying around. Outside of football, he is an eternal hypnosis study. I hope this season ends with the Broncos wiping their nuts on his face again.
Also, Brady sliced his thumb this summer. Translated from Patriots-ese, that means his hand was fully severed. And Chandler Jones was traded away after smoking fake weed and turning up shirtless in a police station. If Gronk had done this, Boston Twitter would have made a fucking shirt to commemorate it.
What’s new that sucks: Yes, it’s another parade of mid-level free agents looking to get the Belichick Bump. Here’s Chris Hogan, whose jersey is already destined to be a best-seller in Woburn. Here’s Dammit Donald Brown, who will join this team’s traditional 19-man platoon at running back. [Update: CUT!] Here’s Martellus Bennett, yet another tight end auditioning to be the less murderous version of Aaron Hernandez (who, as a native New Englander, is still beloved by some people… and yes, one photo is all the evidence I need to support that claim). Here’s token aging defender Chris Long. And here’s Nate Washington [ALSO CUT!], because Pats fans are always demanding a deep threat for Brady, and proceed to bitch when that mediocre deep threat is then trotted out. “No, nawt THAT deep threat!”
Dion Lewis is hurt again. Poor you. The Curse of the Dionbino strikes again.
What has always sucked: You know, I’ve spent the past few years experiencing the horrors of other fanbases like the St. Louis Cardinals and the Golden State Warriors. These are insufferable teams repped by even more insufferable human beings. And, at times, I am tempted to vault them over Boston fans for being the worst of all.
But no. No, I will never, ever do that. Here to demonstrate why is a heavily medicated and clinically depressed Ben Affleck, accompanied by a spoiled, yippy Chihuahua in overpriced dadcore clothing…
Take pride, Boston. No one will ever topple you. You are SHIT. You ace every category of Bad Fandom: self-pity, racism, arrogance, whininess, racism, entitlement, paranoia, racism, defensiveness… all of it. Thanks to your ultimate defeat in Ballghazi, you are now a permanent voting bloc of the pathologically insane and stupid. Look at Toilet Boy Bill Simmons trying to wring a SECOND horrible bit out of Ballghazi months and months after the fact. This man is a sociopath, just like the rest of you.
Imagine how miserable you have to be to get me to take Roger Goodell’s side in anything. And yet, here we are. The derangement is real. All I need to see is a 12 jersey in your Twitter avatar to know that you’re a Shutter Island patient. Not only do Boston fans still congratulate themselves on living in that miserable shithole of a town (even when they don’t live there anymore), but they all pretend that they invented takes that have been commonplace forever. WHY THE FACK AREN’T PEOPLE TALKING ABOUT HOW BAD RAWDGAH GOODELL IS?! MUST I DO EVERYTHING? These are trashy people with ZERO self-awareness: filing bullshit lawsuits, manufacturing their own realities, and expecting the world to embrace them at every turn. I guess that explains the Trump connection.
FUCKING GO TO HELL AND BURN.
What might not suck: Just another year of the Patriots playing eight games in prime time where I gotta listen to Collinsworth treat Jamie Collins like he’s the love child of Lawrence Taylor and Galactus. Whatever. I hate this team.
Let’s remember some Patriots:
- Scott Sisson
- Leonard Russell
- Vincent Brisby
- Chris Slade
- Rod Rutledge
Hear it from Patriots fans!
Tom Brady couldn’t keep his suspension overturned despite the inadequacy of Goodell in every other legal case he has faced. Fuck. Just fuck it all with a rusty ball-pump handle.
Since his arrival into the NBA, I’ve had a burning hatred for LeBron James. I hated every series where he played the Celtics, especially when the C’s Big Three could no longer keep up with him once he joined the Heat, and hated everything that he represented. I’ve never hated one singular athlete more than I hated LeBron. Yet, this year, I spent the entire NBA Final cheering him on because it would make the 18-1 season look a little better if the Warriors lost after being down 3-1 and setting the record for most wins in a season.
I am a Patriots fan and I don’t even like other Patriots fans. Any time I see someone out and about wearing a Patriots shirt or jersey I’m reluctant to talk to them, because 10 to 1 odds they’re a gigantic asshole.
Our team has a legitimate gripe about getting railroaded by the NFL front office. It’s a shame that the sympathy that could have been sent our way is ruined because the fan base is composed of a bunch of fire-breathing asshats claiming there’s an NFL conspiracy at every offensive PI by Gronk. (By the way, the refs are totally fucking Gronk over with those PI calls. IT’S A CONSPIRACY!)
Too many WEEI callers don’t understand that Brady is suspended because Goodell can suspend anyone for anything. Joe Flacco probably shaved his eyebrows down because Goodell thought they violated the uniform policy.
1. Our fascination with shitty white receivers plays directly into the barely contained racism of Bostonians. 80% of Brady’s top targets are going to be slow, white receivers, and you can bet that every Fitzy from Quincy and Sal from Malden creamed their pants when we signed Chris Hogan, a formerly undrafted receiver too mediocre for the Buffalo Bills, because he’s “a real scrappy player with blue-collar, lunchpail work ethic”. He’ll probably have 400 yards and 1 touchdown, tops.
2. Arrogance. I know the Eagles were garbage last year, but Nate Ebner botching a drop kick when we’re only up two scores was a prime example of some of the arrogance that makes people hate the team.
PS. Fuck Reche Caldwell
I flew back to New Hampshire (from Texas) to attend my cousin’s wedding last year. I was sitting at a table with my Dad and a few random people he knew. The talk naturally turned to the Patriots. We were talking about what would happen when Brady finally retires. And one guy said “That’s going to be fine. I think Garoppolo is just as good. Maybe better.” And my Dad agreed. They assured me that others feel the same way.
Now think about this — we have been able to enjoy watching arguably the greatest quarterback in the history of the NFL. He has led the Patriots to four Super Bowl wins and not only unprecedented success for the team, but a historically good run by the standards of the history of the league. He has not exactly been an ancillary part of their success. And yet a bunch of people who actually watched Neil Graff, Matt Cavanaugh, Hugh Millen and Tom Hodson start games (sometimes for entire seasons) for this team think a guy from Eastern Illinois who has never started a game in the NFL and has thrown 31 passes is just as good (and maybe better) than arguably the best quarterback in the history of the sport. I am the fruit of the loins of one of these people.
I love my father. I could never justify patricide. But to steal from Chris Rock, I understand.
It’s Tom Brady. There I said it. The reason that we are still talking about fucking Deflategate a full year-and-a-half later is Tom Brady. Whether he ordered those balls deflated or not, any Patriots fan with even a shred of objectivity (HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA) has to admit that Tom’s handling of the situation has been atrocious. Whether it was his brutal press conference in which he came off about as credible as Jerry Sandusky; or his destroying of his cell phone during the middle of an investigation; or his making a literal federal case out of the whole thing, thus guaranteeing that this farce stays in the new cycle as long as possible - it’s Brady. This shit could’ve been over with eons ago but it’s not, because the face of the franchise has the crisis management skills of Plaxico Burress. And we Patriots fans rabidly defend him anyway because, despite four Super Bowl wins since 2001, we STILL somehow have an inferiority complex that renders us incapable of absorbing any criticism of the Patriots whatsoever in a mature manner. Shit. Maybe we ARE the reason why the Patriots suck.
And fuck Reche Caldwell with Peyton Manning’s head.
Our fans (who have a long illustrious tradition of cheering for this team for almost 15 years!) can go toe to toe with any other teams’ lunatics for racism, homophobia, misogyny and other general dickheadishness. But our trump card is our insane conspiracy theories and victim complex that makes Kanye West like a model of self-reflection and humility. Pats fans are like drunk versions of Alex Jones with lower grade-level reading.
Mentioning ESPN around a typical Pats fan is like calling their mother/daughter/girlfriend a “cunting shit fuck”. The second most infuriating thing you could do is show them a black fella playing hockey. I’m shocked Bill Simmons didn’t ask to see Ted Wells’ birth certificate.
My only solace in all of this is I live and cheer from Vacationland, so I’m not near the Mass-bros who are the epitome of this Loose Change, roided up anger and will curb your face whilst calling you a homo if you cheer for any other 31 teams. Fans up here are a simpler, i.e. dumber folk, and some Mainers look like the “after” pictures in a Krokodil PSA. New England is a helluva place.
For the team itself, Josh McDaniels’s style of “pass on 1st down 90+% of the time” makes no goddamn sense whatsoever, and only has success because with an undeniable first round ballot Hall Of Famer at QB and a rotating selection of phenomenal wideouts, whether it’s Randy Moss after he stopped being locker room cancer, Wes Welker before he started dropping molly at the Kentucky Derby, or the shaved gorilla we’ve trained to catch footballs for Bud Light Lime-a-ritas. The second we don’t have both of these factors going for us, we’re going to run his ass out of town faster than any running back the Pats have had in the last decade.
Fuck Robert Kraft, fuck Wes Welker for dropping a catch he had made about 1,400 times that season, and fuck David Tyree, and fuck Plaxico Burress, who should have shot himself during the game. Rodney Harrison was dirty as fuck and should never lecture anyone on morality.
And fuck Tom Brady. Just take HGH like Peyton and stop pretending acidic foods are the reason people get wrinkles. Just have them sent to your wife so it’s clear you never did anything wrong. An ice sculpture of Gisele Bundchen would exude more warmth and personality than her.
Fuck Bill Simmons with the chimney of his beach house.
Last October I went to a sports bar in Santa Cruz to pass the time while waiting for a wedding to start and to enjoy being able to watch football at 10am (I live in Boston.) The early games were awesome and I had a great time watching 8 games simultaneously with friendly, laid-back Californians. At 12:45, a guy and his son decked out in Pats gear walk in and I’m happy to see what I believe to be kindred spirits, so I invite them to join my table. I immediately regret that decision. The dad is fat, gruff, has yellow teeth, and proceeds to sexually harass our waitress in between pounding Rolling Rocks and going outside for a cigarette every 7 minutes. After explaining how he’s a Pats fan because his other son married a woman from northern Maine, the only small talk he made with me were his favorite ways to troll fans of other teams. As the 1:30Pats-Cowboys kickoff approached, 10-12 more Pats fans came into the bar, every single one of them wearing a white player’s jersey. How the fuck do you even find a Rob Ninkovich jersey? Wes Welker hasn’t been on the team since 2012 right? Is it even really a thing to wear jerseys to sports bars when you’re 45 years old?
At 1:35, I left to get ready for the wedding and watch the rest of the first half in peace.
Fuck Jamie Collins for getting burned by Owen Daniels twice in a playoff game for touchdowns.
Here is the headline of Chad Finn’s latest article: When a player makes the Patriots’ roster, it’s for one reason: He earned it.
I’m increasingly convinced our whole team is becoming more and more racist. Our entire receiving core seems to have become white guys, along with most of our O-line. The only notable brown people remaining on our offense are the running backs, who Belichick treats as disposable fodder. Our star player and franchise hero is Donald Trump’s best friend.
Fuck Maine with a rusty colonial cannon.
The Patriots have been so consumed by the dumbest controversy in the history of sports that I legitimately keep forgetting that they won the Super Bowl 18 months ago. It feels like it happened when I was 12. I’m to the point of being really excited that Brady is suspended, because at least something real, interesting and football-related is coming out of Ballghazi.
Also, Bill Belichick has had his title of “Most Highly Regarded Yet Unequivocally Bland Coach” usurped in his own town by Brad Stevens, and I’m afraid Bill is going to have him killed.
I’ve watched my team win four Super Bowls and yet I’ve also managed to cultivate such a strong persecution complex that I’ll yell at strangers for calling Tom Brady a cheater. I once mocked a Chiefs fan before a big game by referencing a murder-suicide. I’ve rooted for Peyton Manning to get crushed from the blind side so something happened to his fused neck. I think everyone else is a jealous loser and the similarity to Donald Trump is not lost on me.
Fuck Eli Manning to death with the strap on from Se7en.
Being a Patriots fan has definitively made me a worse person.
My first reaction upon hearing that WHY YOUR TEAM SUCKS was coming up was “Ugh, I hate listening to stupid ass crybabies who eviscerate the Pats and call them cheaters when they have no grounds and they’re just jealous that we’re better than them.” This is precisely why we suck. (Deep down, I know Brady cheated. Just don’t make me say it out loud, ok?)
I am a Patriots fan from Toronto, Canada. The team is very popular up here. When January rolls around and the Maple Leafs are inevitably out of the playoff hunt (and our actually good team the Blue Jays is on a break), hundreds of Torontonians pull out their Tom Brady or Wes Welker jerseys (yes most believe he is still on the team). The bandwagon assembles and bars fill up with the biggest group of mindless, dumbfuck Patriots fans who actually cannot name 3+ players currently on the field. That said, they can all remember the years the Patriots won the Super Bowl – it’s equivalent to Canadians who comment on American politics like they know what they are talking about.
Last year during the AFC Championship I struck up a conversation with a group of gold-standard Canadian New England fans. One of them attempted to convince me that Denver was doomed because we have Revis and this new guy Dion Lewis was going to be a nightmare match-up for Denver’s linebackers…I drank six pitchers, five shots of Jager and blacked out that night.
Love the team but the fans are fucking horrible. I can’t imagine how they are in Boston.
I was sitting in my out of town Boston themed bar on a Patriots Sunday when a group of about 8 people walk in, only 2 of whom are in Pats gear: one in a Grogan jersey and one in a Hernandez jersey. I immediately text my younger brothers in different parts of the country with separate but identical messages about what I just observed. They both immediately responded with the same conclusion: the Grogan jersey guy was the bigger asshole because there was once a reason to buy a Hernandez jersey.
My Pats fan sister has a one year old son. She is married to a Colts fan. My brother-in-law got my nephew a football-themed rubber duckie wearing a helmet & #12 colts jersey. They called it “Andrew Duck.” My little brother stepped up, did his Patriotic duty, and deflated it.
This coach is a dick. His players have no spine.
I’m tired of this team. To me, they’re like a long-running TV series. The acting remains superb, the writing’s still pretty good, but the ratings are bottoming out anyway. No one cares anymore. I don’t care about this team anymore.
I’ll still be the insufferable, shrieking hobgoblin watching every play. I haven’t lived in New England in 20 years. When a game is on you would think I lived in fucking Medford my whole life.
God damn mouth breathing, dip spitting neanderthals have turned me into a self-loathing Pats fan. I avoid wearing team apparel and I avoid trash talking with my friends lest I be lumped in with those Red Sox-Shamrock tattoo having morons.
Also, super fuck anyone who uses the term “Patriot Way” in any sense other than ironic.
If you’re in Rhode Island, and you end up on Route 4 headed to/from the beaches, you’ll pass this mural. I’m a New England fan, but I don’t have any idea what the hell this is supposed to symbolize.
I love my friend. He is smart, well-educated man with a lovely wife. We’re both from Boston and both big Patriots fans. But Ballghazi has turned him into some kind of braying lunatic. For the last two years(!!!), my Facebook feed has been littered with his hot takes on the Wells Report, the ideal gas law, and butthurt Colts fans. He is now a white knight on every internet forum, refuting every instance of cheating and defending the Pats like they are the fucking Alamo. Every football conversation we have eventually turns to Deflategate, and every time, he launches into these breathless screeds that put Alex Jones to shame.
So fuck Bill Belichick and Tom Brady for years of cheating, but double fuck Goodell for nearly turning it into a fucking Supreme Court case. Look at what the Ginger Hammer has done to Patriots fans. We were already insufferable enough without another hill to die on. I just want my friend back.
I’m from Belgium and I’ve only been following American football for about 6 years. Why the fuck is Josh McDaniels a coach instead of a ball boy? He’s about as creative as a Melania Trump’s speechwriter.
A brief list:
- The bald-faced attempts at cheating
- The successful cheating that is certainly going on and somehow hasn’t been discovered yet
- The fans’ complete inability to roll with the punches because nothing is ever Brady’s/Bellichek’s/Boston’s fault
- That insufferable Belichick Smug Grin©
- New England fans in general (I suppose this is generally implied)
All the fans are capable of is playing the martyr card over such a trivial issue and acting like we didn’t just win the fucking SB 1.5 years ago. It doesn’t help when the old logo looks like a Don’t Tread On Me cosplayer, our sanctified QB is a semi-closeted Trump supporter, and the majority of the fanbase are racist mouthbreathers. Reading Dooley from Lowell’s PFT takes on the Ideal Gas Law makes me want to funnel Drano.
But it doesn’t matter because I act the same way. I bought a damn DO YOUR JOB shirt, and have argued with strangers in a blind rage over this. Being a fan of this team means you must take on the cognitive dissonance of a proud Putin voter. Even worse...sometimes you even have to agree with Simmons.
The Patriots are the Lannisters of Plymouth Rock. From the internal media propaganda machine, to the way Beluchick regards the public and fanbase with the utmost contempt, to the insane ticket prices, this will be a gutter franchise after Brady. Most of the fans can sit back and not care about football again once Mr. Kraft kicks the bucket and Jonathan, aka Hank Steinbrenner 2.0, takes over.
Fuck Dobson and Amendola.
Year in and year out, despite being a perennial lock for the SB, we act like we’re a bunch of scrappy underdogs, clawing our way up from the bottom of a scrap heap. We do this to justify our inferiority complex and to justify living in a city that is fucking hostile to any sort of outdoor experience from November to mid-April, a city that is hostile to anyone that is from further than 50mi outside of the city (my god, do we fucking hate Western MA), a city that is hostile to practically everything under the face of the sun, including its own residents.
When I was a dumb little asshole growing up, I wanted nothing more than to move to Boston. I thought it would be so great to live in a sports town with history, but now I realize that that history is just a weight around my neck, dragging me down to the bottom of that shitty, shitty harbor where I will sink into the muck with all of the other cynical fuckstains that get paid money to write/talk about sports, and who will invariably turn on the team 3/4 of the way through the season.
There is also nothing more representative of a Patriots fan than the guy sitting behind me at the 2014 AFC Championship game that was trying to fight the guy in front of me, but slipped on the pile of his own vomit and smashed his face into the seatback and knocked himself out. He then shit his pants and threw up on my brother.
Security did not show up for 10 minutes.
Fuck Tom Brady with a ninja sword covered in fire ants.
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