Deadspin
The NHL Closer is written by Greg Wyshynski, of FanHouse and The Fourth Period. He is also the author of Glow Pucks And 10-Cent Beer.
If the Nashville Predators rally to win Puck That Hit's "Who Has the Hottest Ice Girls?" contest, that would be just fine, judging by the evidence at hand. But for the betterment of hockey in these United States, the Preds really need to the miss the Stanley Cup Playoffs this season — for two (other) very compelling reasons.
This isn't a slag on Nashville hockey. Lord knows those fans have been through enough, what with last year's talent defection and ownership follies with Jim Balsillie (Slogan: "He's the Ball-Silliest!"). The Predators even have one of the better stories in the Campbell Conference this season, as career journeyman goaltender Dan Ellis has nearly usurped anointed starter Chris Mason. They're like the Katie Couric and Deborah Norville of puck-stoppers.
A check of the standings this morning finds Nashville with 76 points, in the eighth seed. Vancouver follows with 74, but confidence in the Canucks is dropping so quickly that their coach recently suggested that "bandwagon jumping" become an Olympic sport. And then there are the two reasons why the Predators should concede their playoff slot: the Phoenix Coyotes (73 points) and the Chicago Blackhawks (72). All due respect to Nashville, but these are more compelling teams for postseason hockey and casual playoffs-only fans. Both of these teams are trying to snap four-season playoff droughts. Both have players who will be leading the next wave of NHL stars. And Phoenix has Ilya Bryzgalov, who back-stopped the 'Yotes to a 2-1 win in Dallas last night and who should scare the living shit out of Detroit in a first-round match-up.
And then there's Chicago, who has had a cache of cool this season from "Commit To the Indian" through Gary Bettman's acknowledgement that a Winter Classic at Wrigley Field would be the coolest thing to hit the friendly confines since a drunken Ozzy warbled "Take Me Out To the Ballgame." Detroit and Chicago in the first round? Yes please, especially if the 'Hawks knuckle-up like they did in last night's 3-0 win over Anaheim. If the Ducks feel like you're playing too physical (headhunting Chris Pronger is pretty much the definition of irony, isn't it?), then you're doing something right. Parros looked mighty angry:
Atlanta Is Too Greasy.The warm-ups before Carolina's 6-3 win over Atlanta were interrupted by a fire alarm caused by a grease fire in a restaurant at Philips Arena. "At first, I was like, 'This is odd warm-up music. I don't know what they're listening to,'" said Carolina's Scott Walker, who's sorta dumb, but in an endearing way. It gets weirder: In the second period, Bret Hedican dumped the puck into the Thrashers' zone, it hit referee Steve Kozari's skate and then went right into the Atlanta net. But the goal was waived off, because NHL rules state that the only time a referee can screw a team with an illegal goal is if the Sabres are playing for the Stanley Cup. Speaking of which...
That Ovechkin Fella's Pretty Dang Good. Goals Nos. 53 and 54 for Ovechkin, who was heartily booed by Buffalo fans throughout the Capitals' 3-1 win last night. Ovie's coming for you, Luc Robitaille! Remember all that bullshit about changing the playoff seeding rules because the Southeast was so pathetic? The Caps are now two points out of the eight seed. Remember all of that other bullshit about Washington not being a hockey town? Yeah, about that.
Puck Headlines
* Sean Leahy offers a glimpse at the Sidney Crosby McFarlane Toys Winter Classic Action Figure. And from the looks of things, there should be a YouTube stop-motion animation featuring Crosby dancing to "Baby Got Back" or "Da' Butt" in the very near future. [Going Five Hole
* If you've always wanted to hear a fake TV lawyer utter the words "hockey jungle-sex three-way" ... well, today's your lucky day. [[B]utterfly[S]uicide
* The KB's "Best NHL Hit of All-Time" tournament has had a longer running time than a Peter Jackson remake of "The English Patient." But we're in the semifinals now, where it's Dion Phaneuf on Denis Hamel vs. Brian Campbell on RJ Umberger. The Phaneuf'ing is only good because Hamel weighs under 200 pounds and goes flying; it's like The Undertaker choke-slamming the 1-2-3 Kid. Which is why I am again supporting the Umberger demolition. "WHHHHHOOOOWHAT A HIT BY CAMPBELL!" [Orland Kurtenblog]
* Don Cherry spent the day surrounded by hockey moms. "You guys are da best mums in da world! Just don't let yer kids grow up to be visor-wearin' Euro pussies, eh?" [CBC]
* Finally, there were some requests yesterday for more hockey violence. So here's Doug Gilmour taking out Mark Messier, Bob Probert throwing down with Tie Domi and Wayne Gretzky's head bleeding ... all courtesy of NHLPA '93. "I'm gonna make Wayne Gretzky's head bleed for SuperFan No. 99 over here..." See you next week.
Comments
Wow, I'll give it to Domi. It took 15 punches to get him down. Tough lil video bastard.
More Ice Girls, please. Also, no thanks to the Wings/Blackhawks in round one. I'd like the Wings to win the Cup this year.
Ah, the best way to stop your roommate from exploiting the juke left-shoot right goal bug: Beating his center into the ice. Good times.
Some curious looking scars on that young lady.
"a Peter Jackson remake of "The English Patient."
But the CGI work would be awesome
That Ovechkin fellow is pretty dang good, especially considering his first goal was on Washington's 3rd breakaway in 60 seconds, he got away with a penalty that resulted in Washington's 2nd goal, and his second goal was a result of Ryan Miller sucking dong.
Fixed.
NHLPA '93 = greatest game ever for SEGA Genesis. And thanks for the link to the ice girls
@Wyshinski
Tell Ted to put some money in the Ice Girl budget for gods sake. You cant tell me there are a couple attractive GU girls who wouldnt look nice on skates.
Jesus, can the Sabres just lose 9 in a row already so I can start paying attention to other things. Like my wife and kid.
Sue: I took the Kings to the cup.
Trent: Yea, against the computer with the offsides off.
Sue: They are a finesse team.
Trent: LA is a fucking bitch team.
/obligatory
Domi got pwned.
Thank god for the early NHL Closer press time deadline so that we don't have to hear about another disapointment on the west coast by the Senators. Bring on the Kings!
Jeff Buckley agrees with this headline.
/too soon?
Oh, and no mention of the 3:00+ shift Ovie took at the end, trying to cherry pick an empty netter for the hat trick.
Of course Washington, D.C. is a hockey town.
Every time the Penguins play there lots of people show up and cheer for them!
What, no mention of Don Waddel losing his shit? He made Murray look like a monk.
@Afino: You know, I was going to mention that Ryan Miller thing and forgot. That was Cloutier bad. Biron would have had it.
/Throws battery
@Tracy Ham and Eggs: Ice girls? At a Caps game? The Verizon Center is too classy for that kind of cheap stunt. Washington will stick to T-shirts dropped by parachutes, sumo races and hot-dog eating contests, thank you very much.
Good thing the combudsman is never seen 'round these parts, lest a Swingers quote ban be enacted
At least Parros has a future in performing in remakes of classic '70's porno flicks after his hockey career is finished.
@Afino: Wow just when I think that I'm getting frustrated with my team I look at your comments. I think you need to avoid bridges.
Also...
@UpstateUnderdog: Golden Axe bitch.
Is Don Cherry the new Ernie McCracken?
@Carlton_Whitfield: Or, I misread it. Idiot.
@poultry_in_motion: That was awesome. I really thought he was going to cry.
And it bears repeating from the other day: The Hurricane's Storm Squad is the heat.
I root for the Preds for two reasons:
1. My childhood team was the North Stars, who are now in some far away land, playing under an assumed name. I refuse to root for 'The Wild'; the fuck is a 'the wild' anyway?
2. My only semi-local pro hockey to see is in Milwaukee, and the Admirals are a farm club for Nashville, so I feel somewhat indebted to pull for them.
I have no intention of reading the article but the pic is great
Hmm, I mentioned last night that I am torn between wanting the Blackhawks back in the playoffs for the sake of Original Six-ness while simultaneously being scared to death of the possibility of the Blackhawks being the eight seed, and thus the Red Wings' first round playoff opponent.
And now I have to worry about Phoenix in the first round as well? Joy!
Wait, Nick comes back this weekend. We'll be fine!
@IfindUrlacherfaithdisturbing: Well, I think Ernie wins in the hair department. And I'm pretty sure Cherry's never had Urge Overkill open a tournament for him.
/Positive Bleeding
Could one construct a Balsillie Jerry?
@UeckersEats: Dear god, it's like Nightmare Ant II: Curse of the Blackpearl
Section 303 would like to have a word with you.
@Threat Level: Midnight: "It was a million-to-one shot, Doc...a million to one!"
@Dany Heatley Speedwagon:
It's been a rough time sports fan wise for me this week. I hope you understand.
Don Cherry + Hockey moms = CRAZY DELICIOUS
In other news, anyone else going to the Bruins game tonight?! No?
@Yostal: God, I hope so. Thankfully, Gretzky can't for the Coyotes.
Boy, Al Swearengen is really pounding the hell out of that guy.
@MattinglysSideburns: Bruce Campbell is Al Swearengen in "Bubba Ho-Deadwood."
I agree, when your fans show up for one night out of 41, that makes you a hockey town D.C.!!
@UeckersEats: A skating skeleton? Now that's scary. Though I wonder why he has to persist with the pegleg-- can't he just affix a new leg bone now that he's not skin-bound?
Also, I'm ready to concede the Hart to Ovechkin. Not the Ross-- Geno still gets that-- but the Hart belongs to Ovechkin. Game in, game out he's the one single player who brings the most to his team. Often because he's the only guy who has anything to bring, but still...
When did Sal Fasano become a professional hockey player?
...though I'm thinking a one-skate skeleton might still be able to beat Hal Gill in a race.
Looking at the Penguins ice team, at least they hired all local talent. I don't see any imports on that squad.
@Afino: I understand... and I worry. Actually I was always wondering it seems from what I remember you are married to a 'Canes fan, cheer for the Sabres and apparently the Packers? No love for the Bills? How on earth did you get that kind of geographical coverage? I assume if you have kids that they do/will cheer for some team from Southern California just to make sure you pretty much have the entire country covered.
HA!
The Penguins Patrol ice girls are winning the poll!
SOOO now maybe I don't have to hear how ugly women in my hometown are anymore from PEOPLE WHO HAVE NEVER BEEN THERE!!!
...ok probably not.
@Peter Cavan:
And you can tell by the fake tans, tramp stamps and bad perms?
@Peter Cavan: Agreed, I'm surprised there aren't any mustaches.
@Tracy Ham and Eggs: No doubt. I feel this is the only way for Washington to shake this "non-hockey town" stigma. Sure making the play-offs once a decade and having fans would help, but Ice Girls are really the fastest way to the top.
@ghostsoftheSCupcountry: add a "play" after can't in the above just for shits and giggles.
@Peter Cavan: I find that really hard to believe...
@theheckle: Its just step one in my longterm plan to get topless womens hockey in the nations capital.
Well it's clear who the first three paragraphs were intended for...Ellis plays Trotz's system a hella lot better than Mason. Ellis can move the puck more than Mason could ever dream. We shall see in the next two games if the Preds are for real, playing back-to-back nights in Vancouver and Calgary, then finishing up with an afternoon sunday game against Detroit.
The only redeeming quality of our schedule is that we have winnable games against St. Louis, Columbus, and Chicago (who seems to have our number for some reason) to finish up the season. Go Preds Go!
I thought Parros was great in 300.
@SonofSpurrier: I was wondering when you'd chime in...
The schedule argument is pretty interesting. I make the same one about Florida's chances of staying in the Southeast race, because they've got fluff and a few games with the teams ahead of them.
I wouldn't be upset if Nashville made it, because I'm a huge Barry Trotz fan. I just think seeing either the Gretzkys or the Indianheads in there would be more fun.
Every time I see George Parros, I want him behind a counter saying Cheeburger, Cheeburger....
@Dany Heatley Speedwagon:
Sometimes I ask myself the same question.
Which reminds me, we play the Canes twice in the next 9 days. Just when it couldn't get any worse, it just did.
But I always have my future Seattle Mariners and San Diego Chargers kid to look forward to someday!
@Tracy Ham and Eggs: Oh my. The weather forecasting.
I'll be sending you the funds for my season ticket shortly.
Good: the Blackhawks won.
Bad: they had a 7 minute power play, including 2 minutes of two-man advantage, and failed to score or really even come close.
That said, they've been really good against the Wings this year, and that was mainly when the Wings were laying waste to the league instead of the more recent craptastic play. I can see why Detroit fans would be worried about that matchup.