It’s late February and not much is going on in sports, so the press conference the UFC held today to promote Conor McGregor’s upcoming fight against Nate Diaz was the most entertaining happening of the day largely by default. Even so, it was really something, every bit as dumb as could be hoped.

McGregor, the promotion’s reigning 145-lb. champion and top male drawing card, was scheduled to fight 155-lb. champion Rafael dos Anjos in Las Vegas on March 5 in a bout that would give him the chance to become the first fighter ever to hold belts in two UFC weight classes at the same time. Then dos Anjos injured his foot and the UFC arranged for Diaz to step in on short notice for a 170-lb. fight. This is outstanding partly because Diaz, though he’s lost three of his last five, is a talented, aggressive fighter who should give McGregor a good scrap if not a serious challenge, and mostly because Diaz is just about as absurd a personality as McGregor, who is plenty absurd in his own right.

Here’s Diaz and his big brother Nick in a post-fight brawl that involved Gus Johnson trying to stop it by reminding everyone involved that they were on national television; here are the Diaz brothers in a different post-fight brawl that involved Bill Goldberg; here’s Diaz calling himself “that real shit” on broadcast television; and here’s a picture of Diaz flipping off Benson Henderson in the middle of a 155-lb. title fight.

Actually gives you extra leverage.

A press conference involving these two was always going to be a more preposterous spectacle than most actual fights, and so it was. You can watch the entire thing here if you’re so inclined, but in the interests of sparing the public unnecessary brain damage—a lot of which can be caused by listening to McGregor call other fighters “vaginas” and “pussies”—we’ve transcribed some of the most preposterous parts.

Is Conor McGregor a title belt?

McGregor: “I should create my own belt because I am, in myself, my own belt. It doesn’t matter weight. It doesn’t matter if it’s a featherweight, the lightweight, the welterweight, it’s the McGregor belt, so that’s it. I’m fighting for my own belt.”

Neither of these men gives a fuck, and they’ll be happy to tell you

Diaz: “I don’t give a fuck.”

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McGregor:“I don’t give a fuck either!”

Diaz: “I don’t give a fuck!”

McGregor: “I don’t give a fuck either! I tell you, I like Nick’s little bro. I do. I honestly like Nick and Nick’s little bro, you know what I mean? How can you not like him? He’s like a little cholo gangsta from the hood, but at the same time he coaches kids’ jiu jitsu on a Sunday morning and goes on bike rides with the elderly. He makes gun sounds with the right hand and animal balloons with the left hand, so ah ah ah! You’re a credit to the community!”

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Diaz: “Fuck you—”

McGregor: “Fuck you!”

Diaz: “—fuck your belt, I don’t give a fuck what you say, motherfucker.”

Steroids, part one

McGregor: “I don’t care about weight—”

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Diaz: “They’re all on steroids.”

McGregor: “—the only weight I care about—”

Diaz: “They’re all on steroids! Everybody.”

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McGregor: “Steroids? Man, what are you talking about, steroids? Don’t be putting my name with steroids, I’m major against that. Don’t put my name and the name of steroids’ name. The only weight I give a fuck about is the weight of them checks. And my checks are always super-heavyweight. So I don’t give a shit.”

Steroids, part two

Crystal Marie Denha (reporter, The Fumble): “Nate, you made a pretty bold accusation a couple of minutes ago, do you want to elaborate a little bit about that?”

Diaz: “What was it?”

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Denha: “The steroids comment.”

Diaz: “Everybody’s on steroids. The whole UFC. Everybody.”

McGregor: “Your teammate Gil [Melendez] and Jake [Shields] were two caught on steroids! Not me.”

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Diaz: “And you—

McGregor: “Not me!”

Diaz: “—and [Rafael] dos Anjos, and [Anthony] Pettis—”

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McGregor: “Me?! What are you talking about, me?! I’m not on no steroids! What the fuck you talking about? Your two teammates were on steroids. Your boys. The Scrap Pack. Remember that? Did you know they were taking that stuff? Did you know they were taking that stuff? Didja?”

Diaz: “You’re on steroids.”

(Jake Shields, Rafael dos Anjos, Anthony Pettis, and Conor McGregor are among the many fighters who have not been caught using steroids; Gilbert Melendez did test positive for “exogenous origin of testosterone metabolites” last year.)

Strategy

Diaz: “I’m just gonna kill or be killed. That’s what I’m coming with.”

The guy with the sunglasses has the right idea here.

Conor McGregor gets dead serious and everyone laughs at him

McGregor: “When a man is kayoed unconscious, when a man fights me, they need to take 10 months to a year off. You can’t bounce back into a fight. [laughter] And that’s no joke. Everyone laughed there. You can’t take head trauma and bounce back into the gym and spar. These people think you can do that. [Chad] Mendes done it, and now his chin will never recover after the fight. He jumped in too early and went [indecipherable]. You need to take proper time. So I understand that. I bounced José [Aldo]’s head off the canvas like a basketball. [laughter] He needs to take a year to a year and a half off and that’s just for his health. [...] You take head trauma, you sit your ass back in queue and rest, and come back healthy.”

Okay, then

McGregor: “I come out the track like a greyhound. Like a champion greyhound I come out, at a hundred miles an hour—”

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Diaz: “Who do you train with?”

McGregor: “—and I don’t stop.”

Diaz: “Who do you train with?”

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McGregor: “So, we’ll see, we’ll see what he’s about when the bell rings.”

Diaz: “He’s got no training partners.”

McGregor: “I’ve got world titles and multi millions of dollars, you got 20 thousand to show at your last fight—”

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Diaz: “In little man weight division—” [gestures to show a very short person]

McGregor: “You teach kiddies jiu jitsu—”

Diaz: “—little short weight division—”

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McGregor: “—you teach kiddies jiu jitsu on Sunday morning.”

Diaz: “—midget weight division.”

McGregor: “You’re a junior infants’ jiu jitsu coach.”

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Diaz: “I fight grown-ups. I’ve been fighting grown-ups for 10 years.”

McGregor: “You’re a junior infants’ jiu jitsu coach and you teach seminars to eat. You have to teach seminars all across fucking California just to make ends meet, so worry about you—”

Diaz: “You fight midgets.”

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McGregor: “—because I’m a world champion, multimillionaire—”

Diaz: “You fight midgets.”

McGregor: “—and that’s it.”

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Diaz: “You knocked out three midgets and you’re pumped up.”

McGregor and Diaz: [crosstalk]

Finally, a meeting of the minds

Diaz: “They gave me a fuckload of money, and you know what I said? I said, ‘I want more of that shit. How bout that, motherfucker?’”

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McGregor: [looks on approvingly]

Diaz: “Think I’m taking some fight, fuck that. Pay me.”

Top image via UFC/Youtube; photo of Henderson/Diaz fight via AP; photo of press conference via Getty