Alex Rodriguez Speaks, Attempts To Mimic Human Emotion

In a statement accompanied by watery eyes and dramatic pauses, Alex Rodriguez addressed the media ahead of his first game since last October—and for the first time since MLB announced a 211-game suspension for his role in the Biogenesis scandal.

"The last seven months have been a nightmare," Rodriguez opened. "Probably the worst time of my life."

There were no apologies, no admissions (an appeal is still pending, and anything Rodriguez says can be used against him), but he did say he was "thrilled and humbled to have the opportunity to put on this uniform again, and to play major league baseball again."

Rodriguez went on to deflect any questions about what precisely he did, the evidence MLB has against him, his plans for an appeal, and his feelings on the Yankees' treatment of him.