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It's Neat To Think Of The Patriots Someday Playing Against A Real NFL Offense

Photo: Maddie Meyer (Getty)

The Patriots beat the Giants Thursday night, 35–14, to move to 6–0 on the season. This was the second consecutive week where the Patriots looked vulnerable in the first half against a plucky but overmatched underdog, before a cascading series of second-half failures tilted things dramatically for the favorites. I don’t know about you guys, but I for one am looking forward to a day when the Patriots face an actual varsity team out there on the gridiron.

New England’s early season schedule is loaded down with garbage. They’ve somehow already played all of the Dolphins, the Skins, the Jets, the Giants, and the Bills, who are the Bills. The one ostensible “contender” they’ve faced this season was the Pittsburgh Steelers, in Week 1, and as one grizzled Steelers fan on the Deadspin staff put it, the Steelers have “spent 20 years melting and evaporating the moment they arrive in Foxboro.” The Patriots opened their season with a convincing win over a respectable opponent, and then someone did a secret main-menu button combo and turned the difficulty settings down to Baby Shit.

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Apart from the huge-headed Ben Roethlisberger, Tom Brady has dueled with quarterbacks Josh Rosen, Ryan Fitzpatrick, rookie Luke Falk, Josh Allen, Matt Barkley, Colt McCoy, and rookie Daniel Jones. In New England’s last five games, Bill Belichick has crossed brains with Brian Flores, Adam Gase, Sean McDermott, zombie Jay Gruden, and Pat Shurmur. It is frankly disgusting that the Patriots have not managed a better record against these bozos, and they’re undefeated! In six games, they have already faced four of the five worst offenses, by yards per game, in the whole damn league. No shit New England’s defense looks great! They’re playing against helpless little children out there.

Going forward, it should be illegal for the NFL to put AFC East opponents on the Patriots’ regular season schedule. It’s bad enough we have to endure Brady’s snake oil-aided permanence, and Belichick’s grimacing joylessness, without the Patriots also playing in the creampuffiest of creampuff divisions, and having their schedule front-loaded with actual roadkill. It’s not even over! New England’s Week 7 game, scheduled for primetime, is the second leg of their season series with those cursed Jets. Their Week 8 game will be the closest the Patriots have come in almost two full months to playing a team with any real preseason expectations, and it’s against the rapidly deflating Browns. There are adult recreation league flag football teams that could manage a winning record against this schedule.

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