Former Browns tackle Joe Thomas, who rules, is finally free of the Sadness Factory after 11 seasons. Yesterday, he held a press conference to make his retirement official, and spent a portion of it playfully roasting various characters from the Browns’ depressing universe.

“[Kyle Shanahan] put together a 32-point slide presentation Powerpoint telling my why I need to come back. Unfortunately that didn’t work.” Boom roasted.

“Ray Farmer tried to text me, but it was during a game and unfortunately he was suspended for that.” Boom roasted.

“Eric Mangini wanted to reach out to me because I had a couple years with him, and he thought it was important to hear a few things from him, but unfortunately he said I was going to have to ride eight hours with him on a bus to Connecticut if I wanted to hear all about it, so I turned that down.” Boom roasted.

“Brandon Weeden still has my phone number somehow after all these years, and he tried to call me but he ended still being stuck under that giant American flag, so he didn’t get any reception.” Boom roasted.

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“Sashi [Brown] tried to trade some information with me about my retirement but unfortunately it didn’t get in in time.” Boom roasted.

“Johnny [Manziel] tried to call me from the club but his money phone apparently didn’t have very good service.” Boom roasted.

“In the end we all know that the reason I retired was all because of Robert Griffin III. It was all his fault.” Boom roasted.

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Congrats, former Browns guys, you’ve been owned.