in Page 4040 - Sports News, Headlines & Highlights
Do We Laugh Now, Or Wait Until It Gets Funny?
We picked you for the job, not because we think you're so damn smart, but because we thought you were a shade less dumb than the rest of the outfit. Guess we were wrong. You're not smarter, Walter. You're just a little taller....
Year In Review: January
You might remember, toward the end of last year, when we reviewed each month of the past year leading up to New Years Day. We called it, imaginatively, "Year In Review." Well, we're gonna do that again, starting today, with the fine month of January. We're digging through our archives pretty well, b...
Barbaro Denounces Your New Testament
"And this shall be a sign unto you; you shall find the horse wrapped in a blanket and standing in a manger. And suddenly there was with the angel, a multitude of the heavenly host, praising God, and saying, 'Glory to God in the highest, and on Earth peace, good will toward Barbaro.' And that's wha...
An Astounding Lack Of Field Vision
This handsome gentleman is Darius Johnson, a high school running back in Kansas. This season, he ran for more than 1,000 yards and is beloved by his teammates. He has had a difficult life, though; he has sickle cell anemia, his mother died of cancer when he was 10 and, oh yeah ... he's legally blind...
Sadly, She Was Only On Level One
What happens when you cross Million Dollar Baby with The Miracle Worker? You get this; which we suppose is video boxing, but could also be a clearcut case of demonic possession. We blame two things for these deeply troubling images: The new wireless Wii remote, and Title IX. Clearly there are flaws ...
Buy Dontrelle Willis Some Dishware
We don't want to be known as some kind of Negative Nellie in the world of sports; we like sunshine and rainbows and all kinds of pretty things that might or might not have tails. We support nice happy stories, like anything involving the Marlins' Dontrelle Willis, whom could very well be the most ...
Bonds In St. Louis, And What It Could Mean For The Human Condition
Part of being a sports fan is making internal deals with yourself. Sure, you might despise, say, Charles Oakley when he's on the other team, but when he's on your team, he's indispensable and the guy you scream for. No matter what he has done in the past, no matter how much he has hurt your team or ...
Afterwards, They Attacked A Guy With Their Unfinished Screenplays
You know, we have to give credit where credit is due: We have never considered UCLA Bruins fans among the most passionate and violent in the land of collegiate sports, but, apparently, we were mistaken. After the Bruins' win over USC last Saturday, a group of Bruins fans ganged up and attacked a Tro...
ESPN Wants Your Gritty Slices Of Urban Life
So, let's see: We have ESPN The Weekend, ESPN The Restaurant, ESPN The Radio Station, ESPN The Magazine, ESPN The Cellphone Provider, ESPN The Video Game Content Survivor and, inevitably, ESPN The Bi-Curious Brothel. What's next? Well, how about ESPN The Film Festival!...
Saints' Wheezer Nailed For Inhaler Doping
The poor soul unfortunate enough to have been caught in the extreme closeup lens of a Getty Images photographer last week, seen here, is New Orleans Saints defensive tackle Hollis Thomas, who yesterday was suspended for four games by the NFL for violating its steroid policy....
Tom Brady Sorts Out The BCS Confusion
Well it's Wednesday, and surely by now Michigan fans are over the sting of not being voted into the BCS title game opposite Ohio State. We imagine that Rose Bowl Fever is gripping the state of Michigan. Right? Hello? (taps computer monitor)....
Tony LaRussa's Wife Cashes In Some Chips
You know, when you manage a baseball team, you're away from your family most of the year, so when the offseason comes, and you go home, you kind of owe your wife and family some favors. They've earned them....
Eddie Griffin's Criminal Climax
Because we are nothing if not thorough, digging down so deep into a story that we can't imagine how to get out, doggedly pursuing every subplot until the thread is bare, we return you today to the story of Timberwolves forward Eddie Griffin. As you might remember, Mr. Griffin was arrested for crashi...
Michael Irvin, Deconstructed By Science
A new study, one of those studies that old white men who don't get out of the office much put together ostensibly to justify a life in which they will die alone and covered in graham crackers, makes the claim that the feeling of being in "love" exhibits behavioral changes most consistent with psycho...
Deadspin SHOTY Tournament: Chris Berman Vs. Matt Leinart
At last: The first round is over, and we have our eight winners. For all the talk of potential upsets and the supposed mis-seeding of certain competitors, there was only one first round "upset": Stephen A. Smith took down Ozzie Guillen, and that was a shaky seed in the first place....
So This Is What They Mean By A Friendly
We're no experts — perhaps Mr. Hirshey can help us out here — but we do know that this is just all kinds of wrong....
You Say Seymour, We Say Pusey, Let's Call The Whole Thing Off
In July, we told you about Lucious Pusey, freshman linebacker for Eastern Illinois University. We also mentioned that he had petitioned to legally change his name to Lucious Seymour, an instinct we absolutely understand....
Jeff Garcia Cannot Be Destroyed By A Mortal Man
From our experience, when Jeff Garcia is making this motion, and he's about to chuck it long and downfield, something bad is about to happen. We mean, it's Jeff Garcia! The last few years, his main purpose has been to be the target of Terrell Owens' sublimated man-on-man urges....
Amazingly, This Is Actually An Important NFC Game
As insane as it might be to contemplate, the Philadelphia Eagles, a team that seemingly hasn't won in months, a team that is legitimately trying to figure out if they're going to start Jeff Garcia or A.J. Feeley, a team that its fans can't even muster up enough enthusiasm to hate properly ... this t...
Nothing More Enraging Than A Buzzsaw Loss
You know, we have to admit, if we were a fan of the St. Louis Rams, or, say, a former USC star who isn't even strong enough right now to make the active roster of the St. Louis Rams, after losing convincingly to the Buzzsaw yesterday, well, we might want to stab someone in the face too....