k Page 4096 - Sports News, Headlines & Highlights
About Last Night...
What you missed while buying Pierre the penguin a new sports car......
1st Round, Nineteenth Overall: Panthers Select Jeff Otah
Let's measure the Otah draft buzz throughout his career in decibels (dB): 1) Leaves JUCO as a lanky ex-basketball player; wins starting job at Pitt (10 dB; rustling leaves) 2) Stones Chris Long repeatedly in Virginia-Pitt game (70 dB; Space Shuttle launch in your kitchen) 3) Suffers minor injury in...
K-Mart Pokes The Mamba
With the not-at-all close Lakers-Nuggets series coming to Denver for Game 3 this afternoon, Kenyon Martin has seen fit to provoke Kobe, who dropped 49 and 10 on the Nuggets in Game 2. Martin says it's "better to be pissed off than pissed on." That's the voice of experience talking....
1st Round, Fifteenth Overall: Chiefs Select Branden Albert
Oh God. The Lions made a trade. Carl Peterson dangled a shiny object in front of Matt Millen, and now we all have to adjust. This Brandon Albert blog entry will be written in four styles: dense football scouting jargon, lyrically idiotic Jamie Dukes banter, Thomas the Tank Engine narration, and fin...
1st Round, Twelveth Overall: Broncos Select Ryan Clady
Clady is the first football player ever to leave Boise State early. Why would anyone ever leave Boise early? Come to think of it, why would anyone go to Boise?...
1st Round, Tenth Overall: Patriots Select Jerod Mayo
The Patriots finally picked up a linebacker under 35! And of course, they caught a few people off guard (guilty) by grabbing a guy who was low on many draft boards. Mayo started his Tennessee career at outside linebacker, but moved to the middle in 2007, and while he made a lot of plays (140 tackle...
1st Round, Eighth Overall: Ravens Jaguars Select Derrick Harvey
We used to call guys like Harvey "tweeners." Now they're called "hybrids." Scouting gibberish has gone green...
1st Round, Seventh Overall: Patriots Saints Select Sedrick Ellis
The Patriots, wheeling and dealing? Next thing you know they'll be doing something shifty. Without waiting for the details, I am going to assume that they just took the Saints first round picks thru 2017 to allow them to move up five slots....
1st Round, Sixth Overall: Jets Select BBBOOOOOOOOO Vernon Gholston BBOOOOOOOOO
Anybody else have this problem? Every once in a while, it sounds like Mike Mayock's mic gives out. It sounds like an evil droid from Star Wars, or the serial killer on the cell phone from a bad horror movie, or something from Kid A. Getting on my nerves, but not enough to make me switch to ESPN....
1st Round, Fifth Overall: Chiefs Select Glenn Dorsey
The big question in March was whether Dorsey had super-secret-surgery on his balky knees. How secret surgery even possible? I can't get a hemorrhoid removed without six referrals and a signed affidavit from the president of my insurance company. But somehow one of the top NFL prospects can sneak in...
1st Round, Fourth Overall: Raiders Select Darren McFadden
It's time to bring the mood down a little, dim the lights, turn off the laugh track. Think of this as the portion of Comic Relief when Whoopie, Billy, and Robin would drop the shtick and talk seriously about whatever the hell Comic Relief was supposed to benefit....
1st Round, Second Overall: Rams Take Chris Long
Did you know that Chris Long is Howie Long's son? No kidding! The media really has been doing a swell job keeping that tidbit under wraps. Yes, Long is the scion of the Hall of Fame lineman and impeccably-coiffed FOX analysis android. Howie Long was so spectacular in his playing days that a pass ru...
Dolphins Take Jake Long First Overall
Greetings, fellow podium gazers! It's great to be spending Saturday afternoon with you and not my family. And what better way to kick things off but with some four day old news! When we last saw Bill Parcells, he was sitting in the owner's box watching the Dolphins' final game, looking like a late...
Passersby Were Amazed By The Unusually Large Amounts Of Blood
This bloodied but unbowed runner is Alicia Follmar of Stanford, who took a spill at the start of the women's distance medley at the prestigious Penn Relays. She quickly recovered and managed to finish third....
Where, Uh, Whoa, Amazing Highs Happen
Dominating the headlines this Saturday is the shocking (shocking!) admission by the Mavericks' Josh Howard that he, like every one in the NBA who isn't J.J. Reddick, smokes trees in the off-season. Also: baseball players take steroids and politicians cheat on their spouses....
Your Weekend Of Name Recitation And Breathless Speculation Hath Arrived!
Yes, ESPN's draft coverage is underway, four hours before the Dolphins shock the world by picking Jake Long. Now they're saying Chris Long is going to the Rams. Let's tip all the picks hours in advance. No reason to make it so people actually watch the draft. For those who stick around, choose betwe...
March Of The Penguins
Perhaps next time Jaromir Jagr should Czech his trash talking at the door (PUNTASTIC BURN!!!!) as the not quite Mario Lemieux-level Sidney Crosby and Evgeni Malkin helped to erase a 3-0 Rangers lead to give the Pens a 1-0 series advantage. Jagr had a chance to tie in the waning moments, but clanged ...
Teddy Wins His First Presidents Race!
Only to get disqualified by Screech, the world's most useless mascot, for cutting a corner of the warning track. He was just following Cartman's advice! That's okay, because I found Frank Robinson sitting with me in the bleeds down the right field line. As for the game, the Nats jumped to a lead wi...
About Last Night...
What you missed while mixing your sports metaphors......
Now You See T.O., Now You Don't
• Terrell Owens, vanishing from porn films. • Santonio Holmes is packing some heat. • Butterfingers for a Red Sox fan. • Jeff Passan and Terry Pettis. • Topless ladies (kinda) at Rockies games. • It's Jeff Reed night. • Yankees-Red Sox fight! • As spirited a defense of the NFL Draft as we could imag...