rants Page 3 - Sports News, Headlines & Highlights
MacArthur Genius Grants: Not Worth It
Before you ask, the answer is no—I have never won a MacArthur Genius Grant. Nor did I win this year. And thank god for that....
Dinosaurs Suck Now
If there’s one thing that really upsets me, it is the scientific community’s continued insistence on turning dinosaurs into lame little fuckers. Today brings us news that paleontologists have created the most accurate depiction of a dinosaur in history, which means we now know that the Psittacosauru...
Actually, Horse Sports Are Good
The funny thing about bias is that it’s the necessary basis of any opinion. And now that we’ve all had our quadrennial opportunity to reinvest in mildly-biased opinions on oft-ignored athletics, it’s time to talk about horse sports, and opinions about horse sports....
The Olympics Are For Humans, Not Horses
What is the purpose of the Olympics? For the few thousand bureaucrats who divvy up the Games, give out contracts, and get kickass bribes, it is to enrich themselves. For everyone outside of the corruption apparatus of the Olympics, they are an exhibit of the best sportspeople, playing their sports. ...
Braying Shitheel Mike Lupica Pens Worst Possible Column About Kevin Durant
It’s the question on America’s mind: After Kevin Durant abandoned Oklahoma City to join forces with the Golden State Warriors and their garbage fans, who would blurt out the shittiest, most predictably obnoxious, pseudo-macho take possible? Would it be Stephen A. Smith, who previously threatened Dur...
Hey Warriors, You Are Choking Shitbags
Today is Cleveland’s day, and I join with the rest of America in obnoxiously glomming onto the city’s moment even though I don’t deserve to. (In fact, I have spent much of the past decade joyously shitting on Cleveland for its miseries … but really, I’m so happy for you now!) Last night was one of t...
Are The Cronut Guy's $100 Desserts Any Better Than A Regular Slice Of Cake?
What you’re looking at in this video, because it’s probably not entirely clear, is the new lineup for cronut dude Dominique Ansel’s dessert-only tasting menu. For about a year now, the annoyingly viral-savvy chef has hosted an “intimate” “after-hours” “tasting experience” called U.P. (“Unlimited Pos...
Bill Simmons Introduces Himself to HBO Viewers With Worst <i>Bull Durham</i> Speech Ever
A year after his rude ouster from ESPN, you’re about to get a whole shitload of Bill Simmons back in your life, both at The Ringer (set to formally debut next month, although they’re already pumping out vital “Is Tom Hiddleston A Superstar?” takes on Facebook) and with his new HBO show, Any Given We...
Some Questions We Have About "Clothing-Optional" Pop-Up Restaurants
The Bunyadi, a “clothing-optional” pop-up restaurant coming to London this June, is not just a titillating concept a la Sex And The City’s Club BED or S&M-themed bar....
NBCSN Cuts Off Pat Foley's Rant About Late NHL Starts
The odd NHL postseason scheduling has resulted in some quirks, including Central time zone games reaching well into the A.M. hours—and that’s ignoring the ever-present spectre of overtime. Blackhawks analyst Pat Foley has HAD ENOUGH, and his presence on the NBCSN simulcast of Comcast SportsNet’s Chi...
Of Course Adam Schefter Bought Into Greg Hardy's Bullshit
By now you know that Greg Hardy sat down for a VERY SERIOUS conversation with ESPN this week and turded up the joint the way only Greg Hardy can. He denied any wrongdoing, insinuated that these pictures could have been manipulated, and tossed in an empty Bible shout-out for good measure. Keep in min...
Casual Dining Restaurants, Ranked
A couple days back, Complex published an interview with Allen Iverson, which you should most definitely read, if you want. In it, there were lots of good tidbits, but perhaps the primo tidbit came when Iverson swore his allegiance to T.G.I. Friday’s, which is something (erroneously!) attributed to h...
Peyton Manning Can Eat Shit
In some parallel universe, the end of Super Bowl 50 is a heartwarming affair, with an aging legend riding the coattails of a young, brilliant defense to one last title … one glorious final run that ends with a gimpy old man sitting atop the shoulders of his teammates and being carried off into the s...
Cam Fucking Blew It
If you hate Cam Newton, then yesterday was your Christmas because, in the span of roughly four hours, the Broncos defense systemically took apart Newton’s offense, his season, and his reputation. I spent the entire fourth quarter of that game expecting to Newton rediscover his mojo and make the game...
"Pacman" Jones Is Mad, You Guys
From his since-deleted Instagram post, here is Adam “Pacman” Jones telling us what he really thinks about the officials, and Joey Porter....
The NFL’s Los Angeles Derby Is A Shameless, Repulsive Shitshow
Drew Magary’s Thursday Afternoon NFL Dick Joke Jamboroo runs every Thursday during the NFL season. Email Drew here....
Tom Brady Is A Hilarious Moron
There was an old episode of The Larry Sanders Show that aired right during the peak of the O.J. Simpson murder trial hysteria. And in the episode, Hank Kingsley (as played by the brilliant Jeffery Tambor) tells the rest of the staff that he thinks O.J., his neighbor, is innocent of murder. Why? Beca...
Don't Use Your Child As A Business Opportunity
Mark Zuckerberg and Priscilla Chan did not write a letter to their daughter yesterday. They issued a press release, and called it a letter. I can point at my cat and call it a dog, but guess what, it’s still a cat. One of the richest entrepreneurs in the country took their daughter’s birth announcem...
Fuck Off, Kobe
The funniest thing about Kobe Bryant’s retirement “announcement” yesterday is that Kobe Bryant was clearly the last person to know that this would be Kobe Bryant’s final season. Honestly, I thought he had announced it already, given that he’s a broken-down old mummy who can no longer play basketball...
Ohio State's Ezekiel Elliott: "No Chance Of Me Coming Back Next Year"
So Ohio State really melted down fast, huh? After coming into the day looking like a likely playoff participant, against a hobbled Michigan State team, the Buckeyes shit the bed and let the Spartans hang 10 up on them in the fourth quarter to storm back and win. After the game it got worse, as Ezeki...