rants Page 3 - Sports News, Headlines & Highlights
<i>Return Of The Jedi</i> Was Great, You Ewok-Slandering Fools
Earlier this week, the new Star Wars: The Force Awakens trailer came out, and our own Albert Burneko took a moment to express a bit of perfectly warranted skepticism about its prospects. HOWEVER, Bert’s post was essentially a Trojan Horse for a lengthy revisionist diatribe on Return of the Jedi. ...
Lions Superfan Posts Amazing Video After Being Ejected From Game
The Lions finally got their first win of the season in a miserable overtime game today against Chicago. Lions superfan Earl Spring didn’t get to see the finish, though, because he and his bizarro world Road Warrior buddy got kicked out for, they say, standing and cheering....
The Xbox One Is Garbage And The Future Is Bullshit
Here is an embarrassing story about a bad purchase....
Auburn Fan Tammy Goes Back On The Finebaum Show, Gets Mad As Hell
Auburn got stomped by LSU last weekend, which means it was time for notorious Auburn superfan Tammy to call into Paul Finebaum’s show and let off a little steam. ...
To Hell With Vox's Victorian-Living Idiots
Yesterday, Vox published a first-person essay detailing the anachronistic existence of two insufferably twee hipsters who live as if they were insufferably twee 19th-century urban gentry. Fuck these people....
Put Peas In Your Guacamole If You Want To
Once upon a time, sure as you are born, some dingus was all, “Onions?!?! In your guacamole?!?! You motherfuckers!”...
Cats: They're Bad
You walk into a cat house and you know it right away: A crazy person lives here. No amount of vacuuming, air-freshening, laundering, or outright bleaching will banish the insidious juniper reek of feline; a cat house smells like a cat house, and for this we can be grateful, because it lets us know n...
Eat Shit, Cardinals
By now, you know that the St. Louis Cardinals—the sports equivalent of the Duggar clan—are currently under investigation by the FBI for hacking into a Houston Astros database. (The FBI! That means they’re fucked.) And not only did they allegedly hack into another team’s system, but they allegedly di...
It's Time To Bring Back The Six-Pack
One foolish afternoon a long, long time ago, Drunkspin risked a lifetime banishment from the good graces of the Craft Beer Movement by suggesting that even the very finest beers—the ones with corks and waiting lists and wicked kickass dragons and/or puns on the labels—contain alcohol, which has been...
Drew Magary Won <i>Chopped</i> Last Night And It’s A Goddamn National Disgrace
So imagine my surprise when I logged onto Deadspin last night and found that serial child abuser Drew Magary was participating on Chopped. That due to some combination of threatening the producers with a kitchen knife and Shibbolethian fecal rituals, he had managed to convince them that he knew how...
UFC Fighter Has A Message For President Obama About College Wrestling
Clay Guida won his featherweight bout at UFC Fight Night today by unanimous decision over Robbie Peralta, but it was his enthusiastic pro wrestling-style promo he cut afterward that draws our attention today as Guida shouted out to President Obama to “don’t forget wrestling.”...
Bone Broth Is Hot Ham Water
Food trends are an easy thing to hate. They immediately conjure up thoughts of "foodie" culture, $6 cupcakes, and the insufferable idiots who invented kale. But some trends are important and genuinely advance the way we eat. Twenty years ago, cheap Mexican food meant Taco Bell, ramen was $.02 wo...
Adrian Peterson Is A Fucking Moron
You know, just once in this lifetime, I would like my favorite team to acquire a legendary skill position player who does NOT turn out to be a complete fucking shithead. The Vikings drafted Randy Moss, and I had to spend a decade justifying his existence to myself when he would sit down and make a ...
Madonna Needs A Nap
Madonna needs a friend who will grab her by the shoulders and ask the hard questions, like, "Are you sure this is such a good idea?" She has needed a friend like this for many, many years, and no, the help does not count. Sure, I know she has a new album out and all that, but she really needs to dri...
The USMNT Should Boycott The 2022 World Cup
Today FIFA announced that they are formally moving ahead with plans to host the 2022 World Cup in Qatar in November and December of that year, with the final being played a week before Christmas. As you may already know, Qatar's World Cup infrastructure is being built using Moses-era slavery practi...
How to Cash Out Your Change
It's around 3 p.m., and I'm starting to run out of gas. My brain just has no juice. I'm a writer, and I work best in the mornings, so I try to be typing by 7:45 a.m., and with any luck I make it till 4 before the gears start to grind and the works gum up. But not today. Today, by like 3:15, the wo...
Bill Simmons Is A Name-Dropping Waste
So Bill Simmons offered a "sneak" preview today of the third part of his NBA Trade Value column. And yes, his self-mythologizing has gotten to the point where he a) breaks some random-ass rankings into three parts, b) releases a "sneak preview" of the third part of those rankings because "we couldn...
This Is Probably The Worst Beer In The World
From 1973 until 2011, Carlsberg Lager marketed itself as "Probably the best beer in the world." That bald-assed lie made it the shame of Copenhagen, and it led all discerning citizens of the beer-drinking world to question if any Dane could ever be trusted under any circumstance. Of course, sales ...
Moron <i>USA Today</i> Columnist Thinks The Cardinals Poop Vanilla Sprinkles
You know, we usually wait until October here to dump on the Cardinals and have the entire city of St. Louis send us polite death threats. But Bob Nightengale … oh, Bob Nightengale … you forced my hand early, you abominable fucking hack. I guarantee, right now, that there won't be a worse piece of ...
I Don't Get Ed Sheeran
Here's what I know about Ed Sheeran: He's British, he's ginger, he sings, and he recently did his own version of O.T. Genasis's "Coco." I listened to that, and I turned to stone. It did not need to exist, but now it does, and it has done no favors in helping me figure out Ed Sheeran. ...