rants Page 8 - Sports News, Headlines & Highlights
The Time Has Come For America's Flight Attendants To Shut Up
I think we can all agree that the emcee-ization of America's flight attendants has grown steadily worse over the past decade. And today, reader Kurt has sent us (and Gawker) arguably the nadir of flight attendant pep talks. I must warn you in advance that these will be among the two most painfully a...
Counterpoint: Ads On Jerseys Are Bush-League Crap, And If You Think They're OK, You're A Stooge
Oh, gee, the NBA wants to build on its incredible globe-spanning success and goodwill by putting ads on its uniforms, because...that's how they do it in the WNBA. And MLS. And various other unpopular and/or foreign sports leagues, and uh NASCAR, which, really? NASCAR was a long-form automobile comme...
Dear ESPN: Your Movie-Tie-In Promos Suck
I was watching the NBA Finals last night. Or, at least, I was attempting to watch them. ESPN was unconcerned with my ability to watch the fucking game and much more interested in running 17 different introductory segments to the game. This is what ESPN always does. They run a dramatic intro to the g...
Summer Is The Goddamn Worst
May has started, which means that we're quickly running out of May and I don't want May to end because that means summer is here and OH FUCK GOD PLEASE NOT AGAIN....
James Jones Flopped, And It Sent Jeff Van Gundy On An Apoplectic Rant
ESPN basketball analyst Jeff Van Gundy has gone on rants about flopping before, but today's (sparked by a third-quarter dive by James Jones in the Heat-Knicks matchup) is one for the ages. Play-by-play man Mike Breen tries his hardest to get Van Gundy off the topic, but fails—JVG even runs over t...
Someone Should Just Blow Up The Orlando Magic At This Point
In the ongoing Dwight Howard-Stan Van Gundy bitchfest, there is only one true solution: just get rid of everyone. Trade Howard. Fire Van Gundy and general manager Otis Smith. Then sell the team. Until then Orlando will have a superstar who does not want to be there being coached by a coach who does...
There Were Three Stooges At Yesterday's NASCAR Event, And They Were Not Named Dale, Darryl, Or Darrell
From the moment he slipped the fire suit over his frizzed hair, Larry knew his dreams had finally become reality. He'd aspired to pilot the speed machine from the time he was five years old, playing with Matchbox—...
Twitter's Favorite Anonymous Sportswriter Has Some Thoughts On Bobby Knight's Latest Embarrassing Debacle
Angry former basketball coach Bobby Knight, now an ESPN color analyst, will not speak the name of those loathsome Kentucky Wildcats on air. Most everyone knows this by now, but no one has been able to get Knight on the record regarding his bratty behavior. So when The Big Lead's Jason McIntrye procu...
The IRQ Car Decal: Noble Or Horrible?
I hate Euro Decals. HATE THEM. They are the fucking scourge of the highways: one goddamn SUV after another with some precious OBX circle sticker planted somewhere above the trunk handle. People like slapping Euro decals on their car because they like letting you know where they spend their leisure t...
Dear MSG And Time Warner Cable: Eat A Bag Of Salted Dicks
Linsanity reached a fever pitch last night, and judging from Twitter, all of North America saw it happen. Not me. I can't watch the most exciting thing to happen to the NBA in years, and I can't watch any Knicks games because I live in New York....
Fuck You, Charlie Brown
Every year you watch A Charlie Brown Christmas, and every year you come away depressed. You're a real asshole, Charlie Brown. Originally published Dec. 9, 2010. Read Tom Scocca's counterpoint: "Charlie Brown Is Bigger Than Jesus."...
Christmas Hype Will Drive Your Children To Insanity
Christmas is four days away. I know this because my kids have been counting down the days since, I dunno, LAST goddamn Christmas. Children have boring lives. They have to go to school all day. They have to listen to adults tell them what to do. They can't watch porn. It blows. Christmas is one of th...
Bill Romanowski Remains A Terrifying Human Being
NFL commentator and sex advice columnist Bill Romanowski showed the same fire that made him one of the league's scariest players to face on the field in a live TV rant about perceived weaknesses in the Oakland Raiders organization....
People Are Getting Dumber By The Day About The Harbaugh-Schwartz Fight
It must be a slowass week in the NFL, because people are still being idiots about the dustup between Jim Schwartz and Jim Harbaugh. Hey Mark Schlereth, can I count on you for saying something delightfully cliched and stupid?...
CC Sabathia's Investment In Boobs, Beer, And Brawling Has Something To Do With A Restaurant
"Yankees ace CC Sabathia is throwing his weight behind a brash new Manhattan boob and beer joint as it prepares for a fresh round of brawling with Hooters..." [New York Post]...
Let The NBA Lockout Last Forever; Drew Gooden's Got Chicken Wings To Sell
The Bucks' Drew Gooden is opening four new Wingstop restaurants in the Orlando area. "I did lot of research on different franchises," he says, before admitting he really wanted to own a Five Guys Burgers but there were none available. Wings are good too. [Orlando Business Journal]...
Screw You, And Screw Your Man Card
I don't know who invented the phrase "Turn in your man card," but whoever it is should be taken out in the street and have his balls stomped on by a fucking marching band. Every Sunday, I'm now subjected to some goddamn Miller Lite ad where the guys in it are like, "ZOMG! You're drinking a generic l...
Gregggggg Easterbrook Is 5,000 Years Old
The coming return of the NFL means it's time for yet another season of ESPN columnist and Christian Mr. Spock Greggggg Easterbrook writing 50,000 words about how smart he is and how stupid and ungrateful the rest of the world is. And, as a bonus this season, Easterbrook is now really old and out of ...
LeBron James Is STILL A Cocksucker
If you missed last night's schaudenfreudegasm with LeBron and the Heat getting lane-raped by J.J. Barea for 48 minutes, oh how you missed out. There hasn't been a more gratifying moment for sports haters since the Saints beat Favre and Manning back-to-back in the NFC title game and Super Bowl. It w...