It’s that time of year again. Time to bust out the old roasting pan and say despicable, awful, horrible things about every team in the college football Top 25. Join me, won’t you? Please note: The following guide contains words, which may be an issue for those of you who attend Auburn. As a safety precaution, I suggest you Auburn fans go back to watering plastic Christmas trees and trying to impregnate your girlfriends through the butthole. Keep trying! YOUR POOPBABY WILL TAKE ROOT AT SOME POINT!
And what a great year for hating this will be! College football itself has never been so intolerable. It says a lot that a school like Miami can spend eight years throwing dong parties on yachts and the only people shocked by such malfeasance are members of the news media. OMG! Hookers? In Miami? NO FUCKING WAY. In fact, that’s probably the LEAST fucked up thing about college football right now. Everything about the sport is intractably corrupt. The coaches are corrupt. The boosters are corrupt. The schools are corrupt. The idiotic postseason is broken up into 35 separate retarded entities that are all INDIVIDUALLY corrupt. The governing body of the sport (the NCAA) is corrupt and is also so fucked up that they don’t really have any say over that same postseason, which makes no logical sense.
The networks are corrupt. Consider the progression of UT’s Longhorn Network, which the school operates with the self-feeding shit demon that is ESPN. Bad enough that Texas got its own network (was CMT not enough for these folks?), which was basically akin to the rest of Big 12 allowing Texas to barge into their homes and shit on the furniture. Then the network was going to air high school games, then the Big 12 took the speculum it was forced to purchase from the UT Co-op out its anus long enough to say, “Uhhh, you probably shouldn’t do that for, like, a year.” Then the NCAA straggled in later on like a deadbeat parent and decided Texas couldn’t do it at all. The sport is so fucked that the network had to navigate through two separate corrupt entities before being somewhat constrained by a third corrupt entity. Even the fucking ANNOUNCERS are corrupt (Hi, Craig James! Your son’s a gash!). This is a sport so hopelessly screwed that it makes the United States government look efficient by comparison. Every national title won is just WAITING to be vacated.
Thankfully, all of that idiocy has done little to reduce the sport’s core principles of HATRED and IGNORANCE. Oh, the hatred is strong within college football. Corruption can’t control it. If anything, it is the bizarre scholastic nationalism permeating college football that controls that corruption. Schools switch conferences and go into with business with dog-groping bowl executives specifically BECAUSE they hold other schools in such vicious contempt. Without hate, without the drunken bile that causes otherwise normal students to wake up at 8AM and do 21 shots of SoCo and then hold up a sign behind the GameDay set that says LEE CORSO HAS RECTAL CANCER, college football might be a well-organized, more enjoyable sport. And no one wants to see that happen.
So let’s revel in the worst impulses of what may very well be America’s ugliest sport. As always, no research of any kind has been done for these entries. In many cases, I don’t even know the name of the school’s head coach. And that’s because ignorance is the lifeblood of good hate. Without ignorance, we’d all be able to understand and sympathize with one another, and sympathy is for women and gays. NOW LET’S GET HATIN’. Because the AP poll has yet to be released, this year’s guide is based on the (eye roll) coaches’ poll, which is utterly worthless but does have Notre Dame in it, and that’s good enough for me. Hit it.
1. Oklahoma. When you go to the official website of the state of Oklahoma, the first option given under the “How Do I?...” menu is “Lookup offenders.” Now, let’s forgive the typo there for a moment. Oklahomans are well known for avoiding spaces between words because spaces could let the Devil sneak out. That’s why the text of your average Oklahoman’s email reads, “JimBob! Git yourass to theCrestFoods and gitme somemore chickenheads to puthere in thishere pillow!” I just like that the state prioritized finding sex offenders, death row prisoners, and parole dockets over the less common needs of its population, such as “find a job,” or “start a new business.” This is Oklahoma, son! You don’t go here to find work! You go here to track down the man who slaughtered six of your cousins and set the barn on fire! DON’T YOU KNOW ANYTHING?! Oh, and this team will get crushed by an SEC team in the national title game.
2. Alabama. Oh, look! It’s the school for girls who don’t let their black maids use the indoor toilet! If you missed it, do be sure to check out the Alabama sorority rap, in which a cross section of the school’s surrendered-wives-in-training demonstrate a flow so slow that fucking Marlee Matlin could outpace it. Here at ‘Bama, you can major in Punch AND Cookies!
FUN FACT: Every Alabama player must enroll in a course that teaches them to match the number on their helmet to the number on their jerseys. It’s a very tricky enterprise, since the jersey numbers are so big, and the helmet numbers are so small. DURRR I JUST CAN’T TELL BECAUSE COACH SABAN TOLD ME NUMBERS ARE FOR THE WEAK DURRR!
3. Oregon. Ooooh, LOOGIT US! We’re Oregon! No offense gets to the line of scrimmage and then turns the ball over as quickly as we do!
Again, it’s a testament to just how fucked up college football is that a school like Oregon can function as product testing lab for ugly Nike apparel and everyone is basically okay with it. “What’s that? You want to dress all the Oregon players in jerseys made from condensed mustard gas? Oh, okay! JUST DON’T HAVE ANY OF YOUR PLAYERS SMOKE WEED BECAUSE THEN WE’D HAVE A REAL PROBLEM.”
4. LSU. I have it on good authority that, as fans of visiting teams go, LSU fans are the absolute worst in the country. They’re loud. They’re stupid. They’re breathtakingly RAYCESS. They don’t bathe. They lack anything beyond a second grade education. Their accent is so lazy that they can’t even bother to pronounce the second and third syllables of any word. That’s the secret to the Cajun accent: you have to be so fat and stupid that pronouncing words correctly requires too much exertion. They shout out random facts to no one in particular (“REAL BCS CHAMZZZZZ OF TWO THOUUUU FO!”). In a way, the effects of Hurricane Katrina have served as a convenient coverall to help America forget just how obnoxious people from Louisiana can be. They’re so large and loud and stupid, not unlike the brachiosaurus, or Ralphie May. I picture every LSU fan as a 350-pound man with limited cognitive brain function who drags a lawn chair and Igloo cooler around with him everywhere he goes, and blindly cheers for Les Miles as he attempts to substitute players half a second before the play clock runs down. Such a bold coach.
5. Florida State. Whoa hey, FSU in the top 5? God, that takes me back to the days of Matt Frier and Scott Bentley and HOLY FUCK THE WORLD IS A MUCH BETTER PLACE WHEN FSU IS SUCKING ACC DONKEY DICK. FSU is where you go if you’re white enough to attend Duke but not smart enough. Don’t forget to stop by the school’s frats on the weekend for some of their delicious GHB punch. The secret ingredient... IS GHB.
6. Stanford. You already know that both Andrew Luck and the Stanford team will be the magical unicorns for preachy sports columnists all across the nation during the season. I can already picture the Rick Reilly puff piece on Luck right now.
“Miami? More like MY-ami! And Ohio State? More like Oh Hi, free tattoos! If you’re sick of all the money-grubbing and hip-hopping across college football, there’s still one place that has players that won’t steal the gold out of your fillings: STANFORD. You want integrity? How about Andrew Luck? The kid forgoes all those NFL millions and groupies because he wants to be an architect. YOU TALK ABOUT DESIGNING A GOOD LIFE FOR YOURSELF. And on weekends, you won’t see Luck out partying with any rappers or drinking Cristal. No, to Luck, a nice weekend means a leisurely round of golf at his hometown public course. A MUNI! Is this kid for real?!”
7. Boise State. Recently, the city of Boise came up with the “Be Idle Free Boise” campaign to stop Boise residents from idling in their cars for too long. Yes, that’s right. Turns out that living in Idaho is so unbearable that most of its citizens spend the majority of their time sitting in turned-on cars. You see, the idling engine helps drown out the existential questions in your brain when you live in Boise, questions such as, “Why am I in Boise? How the fuck did I end up in this shithole? Is there any way out of the stranglehold of Mormonism that doesn’t include my family cutting off all contact from me? Why can’t I accept that Boise State will never actually win a national title or play for one, and will forever be relegated to being That School Where That One Guy Proposed? Why didn’t I choose to keep this car idling inside a tightly sealed garage rather than out in the middle of a sheep meadow?”
8. Oklahoma State. It’s so cute how they’re ranked in the Top 10 every preseason but never end up with anything to show for it. They’re like a little, stupid puppy. You can just hold a Snausage above an OSU fan’s head for hours and hours and hours and pull it away and it will never occur to them that they’ve been tricked into a cycle of constant taunting. Oh hey, you guys might be able to make a title run this year! JUST KIDDING YOU’RE HIGH-END CONFERENCE FILLER.
9. Texas A&M. What? These guys are ranked ninth? How fucking awful can the rest of the Top 25 be? A&M can’t even leave its own conference properly. And I love that the school was supposedly going to leave the Big 12 to get out from under Texas’ shadow. As if they could ever be a better school. Listen, people who go to A&M: your school is for braindead ROTC steakheads who couldn’t get into UT because they only know how to do math in pushup form.
10. Wisconsin. Fat. FAT. FUCKING FAT FATTIES. What, is there not enough cheese already in your bloodstream? Do you not notice that you people are made of 98% lipids? STOP FUCKING CRAMMING HAVARTI IN YOUR FACE. You’re making America sick with your fatty fatness and your stirrup pants. Everyone in Wisconsin looks like they permanently live in the year 1986 and were born without a thyroid gland.
11. Nebraska. Welcome to the Big Ten! I think you Cornhusker fans will fit right in to a second-tier conference that plays unbearably slow, mistake-filled football, a conference that has no prayer of ever regaining its past glory. Really, you should have been here ages ago.
12. South Carolina. Say, do you like racism? Say, do you like giant cockroaches? HAVE I GOT THE STATE FOR YOU.
Also, you should be aware that this school has never won the SEC. Ever. Yes, they didn’t join the league until 1991, but you know what? It doesn’t matter. They couldn’t even win the fucking METRO conference when they were in it. Congratulations, South Carolina. Your team exists mainly to put up a good fight before succumbing to the Alabamas and Floridas of the world. Enjoy going 8-4 and having no one give a shit.
13. Virginia Tech. Did you know the hanging bag on Frank Beamer’s face can speak French? IT’S TRUE.
14. Arkansas. FACT: It is against the law to wear shoes in Arkansas.
15. TCU. Oh hey, you won the Rose Bowl last season! Oh hey, guess what? That game didn’t actually mean anything because there was no playoff and no one gives a shit. I’M VERY EXCITED FOR YOUR NEXT PYRRHIC VICTORY.
16. Ohio State. BAHAHAHAHA. It’s like voters purposely included Ohio State in this year’s poll just for comic relief. And how fucking lame does OSU’s scandal look now that we know Miami players got hotel floor orgies? Only an OSU player would consider a free tattoo good value for his services. Oooh! Look! I got a dragon on my forearm! PRETTY SWEET DEAL! Tune in come 2016, when the school is embroiled in a titillating, utterly fascinating mattress tag removal scandal. YOU’LL BE FLABBERGHASTED BY WHAT COMES OUT!
17. Michigan State. Imagine what were to happen if Michigan State were to have a miraculous unbeaten season. Think of what that would do for the state. It could boost the entire area’s self-esteem. It could bring in important revenue! That could create jobs and, in turn, help bring the entire state back from economic and social ruin. Are you imagining all those things right now? Good, because they’ll never fucking happen because Michigan State blows and the state of Michigan looks like the setting of a Cormac McCarthy novel. It’s never gonna get better, and your dad’s never going to find work again. Your fault to sticking around America’s oven mitt. Reader Matthew would also like to note that your school’s girls are loud and annoying:
18. Notre Dame. Earlier this month, I wrote the following in a college preview for Maxim magazine about Notre Dame: “We’re told the school will mix things up this year by not putting their videographer in death’s way. Good on ya, Notre Dame.” That prompted the following piece of hate mail from an ND student:
You’re [sic] Maxim article was 1) dumb in general, not sure why Maxim published it, but 2) (more importantly) incredibly insensitive. You may look at your Notre Dame jab as nothing more than a slight at the football team, but the way you went about it was just wrong...
“We’re told the school will mix things up this year by not putting their videographer in death’s way. Good on ya, Notre Dame.” What the fuck is that comment? I went to high school with the young man who passed away in that accident and was furious to read that line.
You may not have meant anything by it, but when I read it, I saw “ND football will suck again, but hey, at least they wont (sic) kill their videographer.” Again, you might not have meant that...
No, no. That’s exactly what I meant. In fact, the way you phrased it is wayyyyyyy better. The only thing I’d change is the incorrect punctuation. Otherwise? STERLING. Now go out there and eat a bag of shit like Notre Dame always eats a bag of shit. And try not use any of your classmates as lightning magnets.
19. Auburn. I imagine most Auburn officials saw the Miami scandal break this week and said to themselves, “Oh, so THAT’S what will happen to us. Got it. Say, can anyone here help me with this darn school bus puzzle?” Also, your trees are dead. Get over it. They’re fucking trees. Plant new ones.
20. Mississippi State. Say hi to this year’s valedictorian!
21. Missouri. I don’t see why we don’t just let the ENTIRE state of Missouri become flooded and then use the resulting body of water as a kind of “middle coast”, so that people from more useful states could take a vacation and enjoy swimming, boating, and water skiing atop the corpse of what used to be one of our more pointless states. EVERYBODY WINS.
22. Georgia. When you need to go canoeing and be raped in the butt, there’s no place like Georgia.
23. Florida. Urban and Jesus Jr. aren’t around to help you anymore, you clitsnippers! And lemme just use this space now to rank the top 5 most embarrassing states in all of America.
5. Alabama/West Virginia/Louisiana/Texas/Alaska/Arkansas/Oklahoma/Kentucky/Maine/Tennessee (TIE)
That’s right. Even Mississippi, where schools and outhouses are one and the same, can’t match your state for the sheer humiliation it subjects our country to on a daily basis. I wish Florida was dead.
24. Texas. Congratulations on having your own sweetheart TV deal, Texas. Say, you know who also has a sweetheart TV deal? Notre Dame. And when’s the last time Notre Dame won anything important? Oh, right. WHEN YOUR GRANDMA’S HYMEN GOT BUSTED. So nice job consigning yourself to decades of television hype you won’t possibly be able to justify. And, as a bonus, your ubiquity will soon make you just as hated as Notre Dame, if not more so. The only way you’re winning anything this year is if you have your Jesus freak asshole governor execute other teams under false pretenses. “What’s that? DNA proves that the entire Oklahoma team DIDN’T rape and strangle that girl? Oh, well. FUCK IT. Win some, lose some!”
25. Penn State. We’re mere months away, if not weeks away, from Joe Paterno coaching this team from a wheelchair with a fucking oxygen tube up his nose. And there’ll be a team of nurses and shit around him at all times, ready to blast his withered chest with defibrillator paddles just in case he starts dying on the sideline. And every TV timeout, he’ll throw up mucus into a bucket. That’s what it’s coming to. HE’S GONNA DIE, AMERICA. AND YOU WILL BE FORCED TO WATCH IT.
Also receiving votes: My penis in your eye.
Enjoy the season, everyone.