Here is what has happened in the last year of the Miami Marlins, formerly d/b/a Florida Marlins: They swindled the citizens of Miami for a new stadium and drew the SEC's notice. They filched Jose Reyes from a franchise that has actual fans but no money and a municipal government that refuses to be robbed blind. They threw money at Heath Bell, Mark Buehrle, and Albert Pujols, and two of the three took it. They got fish installed behind home plate. Their president called Miamians stupid. They installed a wack-ass home run sculpture. Their snobbish owner blabbed about Joan Miro. Their owner then trotted out a shaking Muhammad Ali to shield him from boos on opening night. Their owner then baked himself a fucking cake with jewels on it. Ozzie Guillen, whom they honest-to-god hired to manage their baseball team, said some crazy shit about Fidel Castro, which he does, from time to time. The Marlins then suspended him to placate area Cubans. The mollified Cubans still had no interest in going to see the Marlins, because they are the fucking Marlins. The team stank out of the gate, especially Heath Bell. They complained about not having any All-Stars. Showtime canceled its series about them because they sucked so much. John Buck flipped you off. Heath Bell and Ozzie Guillen got in a pissing match. No one came to the games. The extant fans were hilariously pissed off. The team ate $8 million to dump Heath Bell. They ate less to dump Ozzie Guillen. They replaced Ozzie with a guy who spends his leisure time naked. Then they traded Reyes, Josh Johnson, Emilio Bonifacio, Buck, and Buehrle to the Blue Jays. Giancarlo Stanton, their only remaining player of note, a young dynamo who deserves far better, says he's pissed off. He should be. Fuck the Marlins.
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