Your morning roundup for April 5, the day Michael Jackson took watch over Fulham FC's stadium.
• Last night's "old-fashioned" national championship game broke a few NCAA records: lowest field goal percentage in a men's final (Butler's 18.8%; they made just 12 field goals in total), the worst three-point percentage by a national champion (UConn's 9.1%), the fewest points scored in a national championship game since 1950 (together, UConn and Butler scored 94), and the fewest two-point field goals made in a title game (Butler was 3-31, or 9.7%, from the field). The storyline that's been eked out of this one is that Jim Calhoun's (the 68-year-old called his third title "the happiest moment of my life") Huskies dominated Brad Stevens' Bulldogs defensively and out-hustled them throughout. Oh, so it's this trick: if you can't call a game utterly unwatchable and without any redeeming qualities, then just praise defense.
• Because we're suckers, we'd probably feel better about this whole ordeal if it had been Shaka Smart's VCU squad to take home the title. And because we're suckers, we're excited that Smart has turned down N.C. State's offer to sign an eight-year contract at VCU. Of course, it's a dangerous path he's elected to take: VCU used up its darling card this year. And as Butler learned this year, a second unexpected Final Four appearance only makes a team half-darlings. It follows that by next year, Brad Stevens will be just a few trips away from being the younger, hipper Mike Krzyzewski.
• Anyway, now that that's over, we can all return to caring about the NBA and, of course, the women's final. Notre Dame takes on Texas A&M at 8:30 ET tonight, and there are a baker's dozen of NBA games scheduled this evening. This presents a rare opportunity for the nitpicking sports fan: one can simultaneously critique fundamental play on one channel, while bemoaning the lack of it on another! Hey, have a blast.
• Chiefs linebacker Mike Vrabel was arrested for allegedly stealing eight bottles of beer from a casino at Belterra Casino in Indiana on Monday. Because the "miscommunication" happened in the state of Indiana, it's considered a class D felony — making it perhaps the lamest felony charge in the history of the NFL. "Steal" is a strong word, anyway. Like any high school freshman with a brain, I'm sure Vrabel was just going to replace the beers in the morning.
• The Barry Bonds trial has been postponed after prosecutors turned up a microcassette with a recorded conversation between Steve Haskins, Bonds's former business manager, and Dr. Arthur Ting, his orthopedic surgeon. The postponement will probably take some time as the prosecutors now have to figure out how the hell one plays a microcassette.
• A 10-year-old boy from Chicago took out $8,500 from his college savings to buy William "The Refrigerator" Perry's Super Bowl XX ring back from a New York City restaurant and returned it to the great defensive tackle. #Aw. Perry said he was "appreciative" of Cliff Forrest Jr.'s efforts, while every twenty-something in America wondered how a 10-year-old could have $8,500 in savings.
A few stories you may have missed.
Churro Fellatio: At the Yankee game on Saturday, a pleasant young man proposed to his girlfriend, while an opportune young man "pretended to blow the churro."
Cheatin' Yanks: Citizen journo Keith Olbermann caught the Yankees cheating on April Fool's Day. Brian Cashman says the whole thing is silly.
Life Lessons: A dictatorial kickball captain sent out a strongly-worded email to his rec league team after a 20-0 loss. "Thought this was an adult kickball league," writes the dictator, "as in you act like adults and play the way you are supposed to." Ouch.
Revisionist History: Clippers owner Donald Sterling has a Wikipedia page that has recently seen some favorable revisions. Did you know, for example, that Sterling "was also named Humanitarian of the Year by the Los Angeles Police Historical Society at its 1999 Jack Webb Award gala?"
The Undead: This week, the Masked Man presents a special edition of Dead Wrestler of the Week: The Undertaker, who defeated Triple H in this weekend's WrestleMania 27 and who, while still very much alive, has long been a death-obsessed figure in a death-haunted sport.