The NFL community is on Tom Brady watch. And by the NFL, I mean the producers at ESPN and Adam Schefter. If you’re wondering where he’s going to end up, you’ve come to a place. (And should probably return to your Google search.)
So, here are the eight possible destinations for the great TB12 next season, month, life, etc.
It’s only appropriate that Brady goes full huckster. Can’t you see him smiling into the camera while he rips the workout bands and chugs avocado paste? It’s either that or Copperfit. I know they’re looking for a new celebrity spokesman.
Tom Brady is better than you, and he knows it. I think we can all agree that “80s for Brady” was not the best use of Tom’s acting chops. Let’s get him in Purple spandex, and let Vince Vaughn wing rubber balls at that face full of botox in “Dodgeball 2: White’s Revenge.”
Are we sure Brady hasn’t made a deal with the devil? I mean, he didn’t look completely washed against Dallas. However, despite all those plyometrics, he still has the mobility of someone who lumbers. Perhaps he’s already done a deal with Satan and is exploring other underworlds to sell off segments of his soul for another year under center.
This could be the perfect opportunity for Brady to win back his ex-wife, Gisele Bündchen. If it’s not too late already, Brady could use it as content for his shitty content company. Those two could afford the best therapist known to man. Hire the guy who convinced Gwyneth Paltrow that she didn’t get divorced. She just consciously uncoupled.
This is a heads-up for all the underperforming quarterbacks on talented teams. A Super Bowl-caliber roster got Brett Favre to Minnesota, and Kirk Cousins just checked down on fourth and for the season. I’m just saying. Justin Jefferson and Dalvin Cook are awesome, and Adam Theilen is a white receiver. T.J. Hockenson anyone?
Considering this piece is just a rapid-fire for clicks, a plastic surgery joke was always going to make the cut. What’s another word for botox?
If Tom is into making the mea culpa rounds, he could start with Antonio Brown. (Just as long as he doesn’t finish with him.) Boom, roasted. Hey, Brady, remember when you went to battle to play with a guy even after he allegedly sexually assaulted his trainer? (Brown resolved the civil dispute with Britney Taylor.) People never forget.
Brady has made a career out of being about as bad of a soundbite as possible. Which tracks because he got his media training from Bill Belichick.
So, why not give someone who’s been uninteresting his entire career a microphone for three hours? It worked for Drew Brees… oh, wait.
Ninety-nine percent of TB12’s appeal off the field is because ladies mistake him for a Ken Doll. Be prepared for a lot of look-ins to the booth from Fox if — when? — he replaces Greg Olsen (pictured).