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Why Your Team Sucks 2019: Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Photo: Will Vragovic (Getty)

Some people are fans of the Tampa Bay Bucs. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the Tampa Bay Bucs. This 2019 Deadspin NFL team preview is for those in the latter group. Read all the previews so far here.

Your team: Tampa Bay Bucs.

Your 2018 record: 5-11. This after starting a red hot 2-0. No playoff appearances since 2007. Only the Raiders allowed more points. Every game these Bucs played was, on average, a double-digit defeat. The highlight of last season for this beached outrigger of a franchise was when Ryan Fitzpatrick dressed up as DeSean Jackson.

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BAD BOY 4LYFE

Honestly? Looked fucking great on him. A natural fit for America’s Ivy Bro. Almost enough to make you forget the time he tried to throw a forward pass from 10 yards past the line of scrimmage. Oh, can you NOT do that? Fitzmagic was too busy boning up on his Sartre to remember.

Everything else the Bucs did in 2018 was biodegradable. Jackson, doing his best Mike Evans impression, dropped an easy lateral that could have resulted in a miracle win against the Falcons, and miracle wins against that crew are a dime a dozen these days. Then–head coach and offensive Gregg Williams replica Dirk Koetter suggested his own firing after the defense let Mitch Trubisky throw six TDs against his sorry ass defense. Mitch Trubisky can’t throw a ball through a fucking tire.

And Trubisky wasn’t even close to being the most mediocre player to make this defense look like the bottom of a bar toilet. Anyway, Koetter’s suggestion about firing him was taken to heart a few short months later, but not before he threw stale Bit-O-Honeys to the media with far more accuracy than anything his QBs could muster. The team continued to offer apparent professional football employment to safety and apparent raffle winner Chris Conte, with predictable results. They somehow managed just three points in a game where they racked up nearly 500 yards of offense. Against the Skins, no less.

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But you don’t remember any of that awful shit, nor should be obligated to. What you remember is terminal fuckup Jameis Winston getting charged with groping a poor Uber driver and getting benched for Ryan Fitzpatrick. The only people who didn’t see this kind of shitshow coming with Jameis were the people in charge of this very team. You might think that, given Winston’s multi-layered, ongoing public disgraces, the Bucs would see fit to leave him in a Publix parking lot and start entirely fresh. But you know how this works. This is the NFL. NFL teams only make STUPID drastic moves. To that end…

Your coach: It’s Bruce Arians, who retired from the Cardinals and was like DURRRR MY HAT AND I WILL ONLY UNRETIRE IF I GET TO GO TO CLEVELAND DURRRR. Then he took the Bucs gig when Cleveland seemed uninterested. So there you go, Tampa. You’re what people settle for when they can’t live in Cleveland.

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Arians is in Tampa to collect a fat check and mail in the rest of his career, Spurrier-style. I have no problem with this, given that he spent one year on CBS and was stiffer than a fucking parking brake. Every time I think Arians is cool, he pulls a Rex Ryan and does something to radically undermine that coolness. He wears a fun hat, but he bitches that the game is going to be destroyed by fraidy-cat schoolmarms. He nurtures quarterbacks, but then acts surprised when calling 58 consecutive All-Go pass plays in a row doesn’t work. He likes cursin’ but hates music at practice (what is with these coaches and music?!). He hires two full-time female assistant coaches, the first NFL coach to do that, and yet still stands by Jameis fucking Winston.

“His willingness to work is unbelievable. He’s in the office at 5 o’clock in the morning. I have no qualms about that. There’s no doubt. The whole thing is going to be built around him. We all make mistakes. He’s made his. I’ve made mine.”

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Did … did Bruce Arians assault an Uber driver once, too? I have a lot of questions. Anyway, Arians thinks Jameis can “win it all” with the Bucs. If he’s referring to criminal trials in which Winston is a defendant, he may be onto something. If he means the Super Bowl, he’ll be disabused of THAT notion in short order.

Oh, and Todd Bowles is here now. Get used to never noticing him.

Your quarterback: Roll the GIF!

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Never gets old. It’s high time Ben Roethlisberger finally retired to spend all day bitching at his caddie, so that Jameis can formally take over as the creepiest shitbag QB in football. Again, this man is worse than Ryan Fitzpatrick, and FitzMagic isn’t even around anymore to clean up Jameis’s mess.

And Jameis will ALWAYS be a fucking mess. Have you ever said to yourself, “Hey, I wish there was a guy who was an inconsistent as Eli Manning but is ALSO a juice pouch filled with diarrhea!”? That’s Jameis. The Bucs expend more energy trying (and failing) to sell themselves on Jameis than they put into winning games, and it shows. Oh, Jameis is in the building to watch tape at 5 a.m.? What tape is he watching? The “Sex Type Thing” video on a loop? Fuck him. The Bucs will cut Winston loose after this year once he exercises his remarkable powers of self-delusion and demands a king’s ransom for the right to scurry around in the backfield every play before committing a hideous turnover. Then we’ll all have wasted another year watching the Bucs get their insides kicked out by the rest of the division, and watching Jameis fail, and listening to clingy #FSUTwitter hangers-on screaming at everyone about how they can see how much he’s improving when they watch the tape.

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The Bucs could have rid themselves of this fuckhead in January, but that would have been too rational. Instead, the guy who drafted him and is somehow still here will again refuse to hold Jameis accountable for his mistakes, and everyone else will pay for it. Except for opposing cornerbacks.

Your backup QB is Yo Gabbert Gabbert. Don’t be shocked when he manages to outperform Jameis while Jameis is busy sucking on his own fingers like they’re stolen crab legs.

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What’s new that sucks: You guys all loved defensive line stalwart Gerald McCoy, right? Arguably a bright spot in an otherwise stultifying era of Bucs football, yeah? Well, he cost too much so they cut him and brought in Ndamukong Suh, who indulges in his inner Florida Man anytime he plays IN Florida. Suh kept his stampy feet to himself in Los Angeles, but do any of you expect him to be a model citizen on a franchise with Jameis fucking Winston as its frontman?

Speaking of people who have had rough times in Florida, they traded for Jason Pierre-Paul. Like the Cardinals team he used to coach, Arians is stockpiling guys who have just enough left in the tank to make a run for three whole weeks. It’s vital to Arians that he craft a window of opportunity for your team that closes faster than a pair of blinking eyes. He’s also hard at work stockpiling wideouts of no consequence like Breshad Perriman. BRETT Perriman has caught a pass more recently. Your lead back is either Peyton Barber or a second-rounder who last year contracted whatever staph germs Greg Schiano left behind before he was shitcanned.

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Lastly, they drafted linebacker Devin White. I refuse to believe that’s an actual player not simply a name spat out by a linebacker-naming algorithm. BLEEP BLORP YOUR NEW MLB IS SAM BUSH.

What has always sucked: This man…

“And then Jameis says to me Uber? I HARDLY KNEW ‘ER!”
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Never seen a man in more desperate need of a golf visor. Since Jason Licht joined this organization, the Bucs have had one winning season (a shock, really), and have averaged over a dozen losses every season. This is a franchise that excels in manufacturing ways for jackasses to fail upward. Watch them extend Licht for another decade after they go 4-12 and Winston gets caught forcibly groping coconuts at the supermarket. This team is a plantar wart on the foot of Bryan Glazer. They only reason they matter to their owners is so they can serve as a cheap ploy to extort disaster relief money from the Federal government.

Otherwise, they’re a waste of time in every regard. The Bucs, like Tampa, are a nuisance. A bother. They are a fucking fly that landed on your sandwich. They actively impede my enjoyment of NFL Sundays by appearing on my screen. They should all be jailed. And Jameis Winston will never, ever be worth a shit.

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Also, the Lightning choked.

What might not suck: Vita Vea is a charming fat guy. This year he might just play more than 14 games.

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HEAR IT FROM BUCS FANS!

Michael:

Here’s your yearly reminder that Warren Sapp is banned from all Best Buys.

Luke:

Byron Leftwich is currently the best quarterback with the team.

Vladimir:

I don’t have much to say about these fucking crooks, but I decided to write in anyway, since we always have fewer emails than every other team.

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Bill:

I was born in Philadelphia, moved to the Tampa area and became a Bucs fan. My son, born in Tampa, whose birthday is the date of the Bucs Superbowl win moved to Philly for college and immediately became an Eagles fan. Eagles fans are horrible, but he got into an Ivy and watched his team win the Big One. I went to community college and am still a Bucs fan so clearly I have no way to dispute his life choices.

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Brian:

Over the last four years, Jason Licht has drafted nine defensive backs in the first four rounds and has had a monumentally bad secondary every year. And of course one year after taking two corners in the second round, Licht went for two corners on the first three this year. As if this wasn’t bad enough.....he drafted a kicker. A KICKER. A fucking kicker. Are you kidding me? A kicker? For the love of Roberto Aguayo who lets this guy draft still? The Lions drafting first round receivers think this is a fucking joke.

Based on the definition of insanity, somebody get a padded room and a straitjacket ready immediately. That isn’t for Licht. That’s for me for showing up again for another year thinking this is the year the Bucs are decent again. I deserve it. The Bucs suck.

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Aren:

The way management runs this team, I’m surprised the Bucs don’t retire Kellen Winslow Jr’s number.

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Anon:

I’ve been a fan for 40 years and I hate everything about the franchise.

If it were possible to make an animated gif a helmet decal, the Bucs should be legally required to put a loop of Vance MacDonald stiff-arming Chris Conte into the dirt on their helmets.

I have the same ‘what the fuck is wrong with them’ reaction when I find out someone is either an active Bucs fan or Trump supporter.

They will sign Winston to a huge long term contract and there will be stories about his maturity and how he learned from his mistakes to be a better man....until the next sexual assault incident.

They have the worst winning percentage of any NFL team. Maaaaaaaaaaaan...fuck this shit.

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Eddie:

The last time we participated in a playoff game, Obama had just edged Hillary in the Iowa Caucuses, the “Apple Bottom Jeans” song was #1, Jim and Pam started dating on The Office, the first iPhone was 6 months old, and Michael Clayton was both a soon-to-be Best Picture nominee and Jeff Garcia’s third receiver.

We’ve averaged under six wins per season since then.

Goose:

Nothing says FUCK YOU to the fans more than booking Billy Ray Cyrus to perform at the pre-season fan appreciation night.

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Anthony:

We brought Bruce Arians out of retirement because killing fans isn’t enough so now we have to do it to coaches. Arians is a great coach but he is delegating more than Trump, and to people who are about as competent as Stephen Miller but with less racism. All in a desperate attempt to salvage Jameis Winston and the careers of the people who drafted him.

I don’t even get excited for games anymore, I just sadly walk to the TV and hope my two year old demands to watch Paw Patrol so I don’t have to watch the living autopsy of my beloved team.

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Steve:

I grew up in Tampa and go down for one home game a year because my best friend has season tickets. We always have a fun (but sweaty) tailgate session and fun pregame in the seats. Then the game starts and, like a chemical reaction to shitty football, my blood starts to simmer. For the rest of the game I sit in a state of depression as things get worse by the minute. Then I start swearing at all of the fucking stupid Jumbotron games and commercials. By the end of the fourth quarter I become like Jekyll and Hyde, like someone that has been shot out of a cannon, swearing mercilessly at my friends and family about their lack of manhood and courage for not selling their season tickets for good. I tell them they are losers for not having any social life because obviously they have to fill their time with this torture every weekend the Bucs are at home.

Finally, because they are used to the losing they let out an unhappy sigh and say “oh well.” I scream at them incredulously at their love of losing and why they are losers then tell them I will never do this again as long as I live.

Oh yeah, I have my ticket for the Bucs v Cardinals game this year.

Submissions for the NFL previews are closed. Next up: New York Giants.

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About the author

Drew Magary

Drew Magary is a Deadspin columnist and columnist for GEN magazine. You can buy Drew's second novel, The Hike, through here.