Why Your Hometown Columnist Sucks: Peter Kerasotis

It was the best of times.

It was the worst of times.

It was the age of wisdom.

Yes, you read that correctly.

Wisdom.

How did Charles Dickens miss the boat on this whole one-sentence paragraph thing? Clearly today's breed of sportswriters are far better wordsmiths than the old quill pen-and-ink set, who crammed all of those words and thoughts onto a single page, when they could have spread them out over an entire chapter. Reading a Peter Kerasotis column is like trying to capture escaped lab mice — his little, furry thoughts running this way and that, never pausing long enough in one spot to make a solid impression. Also there's an apparent fondness for cheese. There goes one, under the sofa! Nope, it's gone. We'll have to set traps later. Let's go to the vital statistics:

Name: Peter Kerasotis.
Writes For: Florida Today.
Nicknames: Mike Brady, Goofy.
Attended: Merritt Island High (Mustangs); University of Florida.
Grooming Trivia: Hair may be spray-painted.
Most Amusing Description on a Blog: "His stuff is weepy bad: cliched, and worst of all, panties-in-a-wad righteous." [EDSBS]
Most resembles: This is a close one between Glen Campbell and John Edwards. We're going to have to go with the former vice presidential candidate.

Beware any publication which describes its sports columnist as "cutting edge." Translated, that means: "Half the time we're not sure what he's talking about, and the other half we don't care." Besides an obvious, pronounced man-crush on Steve Spurrier, Kerasotis also has a love for deconstructing college football offenses, which he does so poorly that even Pop Warner youth football players write in to tell him where he went wrong.

Then there's the whole one-line paragraph thing, which we have vowed to stamp out if it takes us the rest of our lives, like polio, or those talking-baby-with-celebrity-voices movies. In one egregious example, he sets some sort of twisted record with 46 one-line paragraphs. And that total includes 23 short, one-sentence paragraphs and — get this — three one-word paragraphs. Those are very rare, but our man comes through. Read it if you dare.

Peter Kerasotis Archive [Florida Today]
Peter Kerasotis: Worst Columnist In America [Every Day Should Be Saturday]