Quickly: Which member of the UConn Huskies men's basketball team would you say is least likely to record a rap song?
If you answered Ed Nelson, well... I'm sorry to say that you're wrong. Ed Nelson, 6'8" senior forward, has recorded kind of a hick rap song. It's terrible. Just terrible, in every sense, and I think I hate him. You probably souldn't even read this. I'm not sure how old Ed Nelson is, but I'm not ruling out the possibility that Lil' Ronnie is his illegitimate lovechild. But even Ronnie had an excuse, he's a kid. Ed Nelson has no such excuse.
If you don't want to head over to The Bell Parking Lot and download it so you can fully take part in the pain, here's the first verse:
I'm a little bit country, I love to play ball
That's why I got my jersey retired on the wall
So you better have some fear for the rookie of the year
Cuz I had you shook, like you seen a big ol' bear
But in Connecticut, you're likely to see a deer
And I'm the first damn person to knock out a queer
Ain't gonna lie, I know I'm kinda funny
People hang around me, cuz they know I'm worth money
Drive a pick-up truck, and jump higher than a bunny
Back on my ground, I'm the people's champ
So historic, got my own postage stamp
So go ahead, take the voyage to my domain
Not one of y'all gangstas will remain
I'll show you my gramps, his name is Bob
He'll tell ya 'pull up your pants', cuz you look like a slob
Then whack you off the head, with a corn on the cob
So here's what we know about Ed Nelson:
1) He has apparently retired his own jersey
2) He's still living off of his ACC rookie of the year title, despite averaging 3 points in 9 minutes of action this year
3) He's a raging homophobe. If you want to "knock out a queer," he'll beat you to it.
4) He has seen deer.
5) He must have consturcted his own postage stamp with his likeness on it, because I don't recall the United States Postal Service ever issuing one.
6) His grandfather has an unusual method of whacking you off.