AJ Daulerio's Cultural Oddsmaker runs every Friday. Email him to say hi.
Unless Tiger Woods or John Daly is involved, golf is pretty boring to watch. The final round of the Masters could be played with a sudden death rule that results in the loser being gored by a wild boar, and it still wouldn't make it that much more exciting.
But the Ryder Cup, well, that has promise! The U.S. getting thoroughly manhandled by its European counterparts four out of the last five years gives it some drama — but with the U.S. being such primadonna underdogs, it seems obvious that the Euros are much more accustomed to getting riled up over these things than us. Trophies and International dominance mean nothing to pro golfers; ugly avocado-colored blazers, however, well that's playing for something.
Hence, the Irish tabloids trashing of Tiger's blonde wife has added another level of drama to this utterly boring event. They did so to fire up this sleep-walking U.S. team and, well, make their event more interesting in their home country. Ireland is being showcased; they need some attention and their core of journalists will do anything to generate some muich-needed spark for this event.
So, today, I'm putting on my jaunty pants, thanking me Lucky Charms, and placing odds on the next fabricated stories the Irish media will concoct to rattle the U.S. Ryder Cup Team.
Slainte with me, after the jump.
Phil Mickelson's a Woman: 3/1
These odds may be a little too low, but considering how fragile Mickelson is — and how well he works under pressure situations, ahem — he's an easy target for the wrath of the Eye-lish. Don't be surprised if you see Mickelson wearing two sports bras to keep his giant bologna bags from sloshing around in his shirt to prevent adding more credence to the story.
Tom Lehman Had An Affair With Payne Stewart: 4/1
Stewart was one of the most beloved PGA tour guys, and he's a hands-off subject for many golfers on tour. A reckless story substantiating a rumor about Lehman showing up to an event 10 years ago wearing a pair of ill-fitting knickers with an obvious limp is my guess. The quiet stoicism of Lehman willl surely be rattled once he's forced into a Governor McGreevey-like press conference to address the situation.
The Ghost Of Earl Woods Is Haunting Padraig Harrington: 2/1
Now that they've seen how easy it is to get on Tiger's nerves, the Irish hounds will be unrelenting. And they know his sore spots. Outside of his wife, there's his recently departed father. Not content to just dig up any old trash, the Irish press will take it further, stating that the Earl Woods spooky visage has been showing up in beloved son Padraig Harrington's bedroom at night trying to steal his pajamas. Woods will be torn between both rage and confusion; should he stake out Harrington's hotel room for one last pep talk with his father?
Jim Furyk Has Sex With Meatloaf: 5/1
If Tiger's sealed himself off from the press, it might be easier to go after his first round partner. Woods, who has a reputation for being a bad teammate, would most likely be more annoyed at Furyk's loss of focus. And Furyk's reputation as an even-keeled competitor would surely be tested in tempering those nasty "Is that a 4-iron pants or did you just have sex with a meatloaf?" jokes that'll dog him throughout the event.