AJ Daulerio's Cultural Oddsmaker runs every Friday. Email him to let him know what you think.
From Dennis Green's stammering temper tantrum, to Steve Lyons botching the oldest Spanish joke in the book, to Mike Tyson embarking on a world tour to fight one-eyed fighters and goats, to Endy Chavez almost becoming an inexplicable legend in one blessed leap .. it's been an eventful week. What gets lost, is the premature retirement of Giants running back Tiki Barber. Of course, as an Eagles fan, I'm pleased at this news. But Barber's never been somebody you can really root against; he's the only professional football player that, when I think of him during word association games, "polite" is the first thing that comes to mind. ("Byron Allen" is second, if you must know. And who doesn't play Tiki Barber word association games on chilly autumn nights? )
And as Token Non-Threatening Black Guy, Barber is a valuable commodity to advertisers and day time talk show circuits. Plus, he's openly stated that he has myriad interests including "finance " and "philanthropy." Honestly, what other NFL running back would you let date your daughter? And after spending so much time thinking about him, I've also come to the conclusion that Barber might be the most boring person ever to play in the NFL. But these ponderings have led to the inevitable question of what Tiki will do after his football career? Commentator? Ad pitchman? Sure. But he has a lot more options that need to be explored. Behind that twinkling smile exists a man who's still completely clueless about what he'll do this Februrary — but eager to experience all life has to offer.
So I'm still waiting for Carlos Beltran to swing, cooking up a warm batch of Ronde's cider and tabulating the odds on the events of Tiki Barber's post-football career.
Jump with me ...
Co-Host of The View: 3/1
In an attempt to soften the show, ABC brings Barber on to defuse the roiling contention of Rosie O'Donnel's raging lesbian den mother and Elizabeth Hasselbeck's mousey conservatism, "Time Out With Tiki" becomes the moral compass to guide them. Barber will first be tapped to co-host a male-oriented talk show, but will soon realize that most men distrust Tiki's shininess.
Congressional Page: 4/1
A natural politician, Barber discovers that he must first learn the ins-and-outs of The Hill before pushing headlong into a political career. Although, he'll question some of his duties — daily stretching on the White House lawn, rousing games of tariff tackle with other pages, "Jacuzzi Night" — Barber will eventually realize his destiny as seat-filler at campaigns in Blue Midwestern states. But, boy, will he have some memories.
Infomercial Magnate: 3/1
Struggling to find a sufficient firm up to handle his visionary business acumen, Barber decides to light out on his own and lend his name to "Tiki's One-Touch Taco Folder" — a push-button pan that fold tortillas without the usual "Mexi-mess." Soon after, he'll roll out the "Teek-a-Boo," a compact meat dehydrator that'll turn any leftovers into delicious jerky. Sales will skyrocket and become even more ubiquitous in college dormitories than the Foreman Grill.
Charged With Murder of Nicole Simpson and Ron Goldman: 4/1
O.J.'s book drops the bombshell, linking a then 19-year-old Barber to the scene of the crime via Faye Resnick's drug connections and love of Bruno Armagli shoes. Just as Barber's dragged away into the police car, three cameramen jump out of the bushes and inform the shaken Barber that he's been....JUICED!
Lord of the Furries: 1/1
After years of living in shame, Barber finally outs himself as a proud member of the alternative community that likes to dress up in animal costumes and have sex. Tiki (or "Pogo", as he'll insist on being called) along with his new life partner Kajanga (or "Bill") will embark on a nationwide Tour of Tolerance dressed in assless panda outfits, attempting to spread their fuzzy love across America.