AJ Daulerio's Cultural Oddsmaker runs every Friday. Email him to tell him what you think.
With the upheaval at Page 2 in the last few months settling in a bit, it's nice to see they're moving forward and finally putting a staff together. One of the first lucky scribes is Orlando Sentinel columnist Jemele Hill, whose name has become synonymous with the phrase "what the mother of fuckball!" thanks to a reporter $200,000/yr. salary from The Leader that has made other journalists lose faith in oh, about everything.
Not me, however. I'm just thrilled for her. Fucking thrilled.
Anyway, surely in the next few months there will be more hires, lest they have a staff of Bill Simmons and a bunch of black people not named Jason Whitlock. Naturally it begs the question what direction are they gonna go to next? Will they pull out some name writers? Celebrities? Bloggers? It's an exciting time for unknowns as well — making a shitty living as a sportswriter, holding onto the notion that maybe, if they can stand out enough, write witty enough prose about Arena Football, be edgy enough, then the ducat-pooping piggy bank of Page 2 might just actually select them to fill out the roster.
Or, they may go another direction.
So, today I'm putting on my DJ Gallo hairpiece, fantasizing about the Sports Gal in pleather chaps making me waffles, and placing odds on the next round of Page 2 hires.
Duh-nuh-nuh. Nuh-nuh-nuh. Jump.
Dan Savage: 3/1
In order to create a more sexually diverse stable, the Page may have an interest in this popular syndicated gay columnist in order to draw away some of the traffic they're losing from OutSports.com. (A very bold, power play move in the world of Alexa Rankings — that's how the kids are checking the traffic these days.) Plus, Savage could serve as a ballast to Scoop Jones and fool everyone on Sports Center into thinking "Santorum" is a term he coined for wide receivers that suffer from alligator arms. Pass to Mike Furrey over the middle and...oh, Santorum!
Joe Eszterhas: 10/1
There needs to be another old curmudgeon type, and who better to fill that then the screenwriter/author Eszterhas? He could write 8,000 word weekly columns telling the seedier, Hollywood side of sports: Like interspersing lengthy exhortations about the Kurt Rambis' role in LA basketball history with a story about how a young Sharon Stone once wobbled up to his house in Beverly HIlls at 4 a.m. and took a crap on his cat.
Michelle Malkin: 5/1
Trying to add more female voices to the fray, the Page will turn to Malkin for her sassy conservative wit and her ability to dissect all the pressing women's issues in sports — salary, sexual exploitation, rampant cooze-hounding — and offer a more biased opinion. They'll hire her because she "probably knows a thing or two about golf" and also satisfies that all important "Uptight Asian Chick I'd Like to Bang" quotient that's been missing from the online version since its inception.
Bob Greene: 12/1
The disgraced Chicago Tribune columnist could have a great home at the Page 2, despite his shady, embarrassing past. However, staffers will become skeptical when he heavily lobbies to mentor "Young Mary Buckheit" from the privacy of his own home, and most of his columns come with the hed Ways I'd Nail Brian Urlacher's Sweet Ass Girlfriend.
Rev. Fred Phelps: 20/1
Don't be fooled his crazy Baptist braying — in addition to hatin' fags, the good reverend loves him some football! If you need proof, go online and you can find him photographed wearing more NFL jerseys than most hip hop stars. Of course, most of his columns would be centered around all the teams that Esera Tualo once played for and how they're all destined to be sodomized by saber-footed demons in the fiery pits of hell. But that's pretty much what Easterbrook's columns are about anyway.