Cultural Oddsmaker: Who'll Be the Next Athlete to Have a Sex Tape?

AJ Daulerio's Cultural Oddsmaker runs every Friday. Email him to let him know what you think.

Leftover turkey sandwiches are like crack. At 11 a.m. this morning, I'd already had three. I'm wearing sweatpants. I'm on my parents' couch. I'm flipping between Jerry Springer and that local township station playing Christmas music and announcing School Board meetings and the Hatboro Horsham junior high basketball schedule. After a few turkey sandwiches, that channel becomes as riveting as Memento. Time for the Leyland Smoke in about two minutes.

Today has also given me some much-needed YouTube catch up time. It gives me the opportunity to watch as many Latino teenage girls fighting on a lawn without the nuisance of lurking co-workers. It's amazing just how many of these fights there are, most of which seem to be at picnics or movie theater parking lots. I'm planning on going to see a movie tonight just so I have a great chance of catching one of these in person.

The other thing that's great about having those private days on the web is that it's a great day to catch up on every possible celebrity sex tape that's out there: So far I've watched Fake Britney Spears, Jenna from Survivor, some model and a really weak Pam Anderson/Brett Michaels tape that I've yet to see. This got me thinking, outside of that poor Dutch soccer goalie getting Beatty-ed by that lady ... has there been a legitimate athlete sex tape ever? Think of all of the sex scandals that have surfaced over the years, and there hasn't been one tape out there showing a high-profile athlete using his penis to honk the horn on a yacht. I have a feeling that'll change in 2007.

So today is a perfect day to crash my parents' computer, take a lot of showers and place odds on the first/next pro athletes to have a sex tape revealed.

Put on your night vision goggles, and jump with me.

Cultural Oddsmaker: Who'll Be the Next Athlete to Have a Sex Tape?

Paul LoDuca: 3/1

I've got a feeling there's an enterprising teenager who shared his bed this past summer who has some blackmail money on her hands. You know there's like three Long Island bartenders who are trying to get a hold of that thing just to get some hush money. And, I dunno, I get the feeling that LoDuca just might be into that whole Stefan Postma-stuff. Catchers, you know.

Cultural Oddsmaker: Who'll Be the Next Athlete to Have a Sex Tape?

Smarty Jones: 2/1

Since he retired after that failed Triple Crown bid in 2004, Smarty Jones has been at Three Chimneys stud farm spending his days eating hay and depositing his semen into large cylindrical tubes. One enterprising farm hand has to have some vintage footage of the Smarty doing what he does best. There has to be a market for this type of footage that could be valuable to some people. I'm thinking maybe jockeys, shepherds or George Steinbrenner.

Cultural Oddsmaker: Who'll Be the Next Athlete to Have a Sex Tape?

Heather Mitts and A.J. Feeley: 10/1

This tape's been rumored to be out there, and this is the perfect time for this thing to come to life. It'll be the only thing left that'll salvage the season. I'm so despondent about this team, not even a Rodney Peete-esque job by Jeff Garcia could restore any hope for this season. This would solve everything. They could even put it on the 2006 Eagles retrospective at the end of the year for NFL Films. Yeah, I think that's the only way I'll be satisfied with a 6-10 season.

Cultural Oddsmaker: Who'll Be the Next Athlete to Have a Sex Tape?

Adam Pac-Man Jones: 1/3

You know Pac-Man's got a stash of these under his bed in a shoe box. And with as many people that he has hanging around his entourage (sorry. Posse.), you're telling me none of them has uploaded that stuff yet? And everybody knows the Pac-Man tape will just be filthy. It'll make R. Kelly's tapes look like Happy Feet. And hopefully, it'll also feature a cameo by Gary Sheffield's wife.

Cultural Oddsmaker: Who'll Be the Next Athlete to Have a Sex Tape?

Derek Jeter/Jessica Biel: 20/1

You know, I've been searching for every possible picture of Jessica Biel on the web, and it's pretty amazing. Technically, she's not that hot. I mean, she's pretty ripped up and all that and that one shot of her in blue jeans in Texas Chainsaw Massacre gives here a lot of mileage, but seriously? She's got that Jeter-esque Cabbage Patch face that's kind of alarming. But if this tape ever comes out, well, I'll probably completely change my opinion of her. And the admiration for Jeter will quadruple. The guy's gotta sully his public image at some point doesn't he? And this is the way to do it.