Those of you familiar with this time of year around the ole Four Letter Word network have probably become accustomed to the yearly Sports Night Before Christmas poem written by Daily Quickie scribe Dan Shanoff. (Lord, he'd been there since 2001. Holy cow.) Well, as most of you know, Dan's no longer part of the Empire over there, digging his own thing daily over at The Dan Shanoff Blog. (He was going to call it something else, but it would have ultimately proven confusing.)
Well, because Mr. Shanoff's Tourettic tendencies force him to produce the poems every year, like clockwork, he has put together another one this year, and we're proud to run it here. This one's got a twist, though: It's entirely about the happy denizens of Deadspin. It's not the Sports Night Before Christmas; it's the Deadspin Night Before Christmas. As terrifying as that notion might be — if every Christmas Eve were a Deadspin Christmas Eve, Santa would get halfway down the chimney when suddenly HUGH! — he has put together a fun little ditty just for us.
It's after the jump, and full of holiday tidings. We are honored, Mr. Shanoff, though our heads still spin a little bit when you write "fuck."
'Twas the night before Christmas and all through Deadspin,
We boot out '06, with memories to make your head spin:
There were epics of which you'll tell your kids one day:
Do your best Eddie Griffin, but watch out for Carl Monday.
The stars took their turn as poster boys of getting 'Spun
Oh, fucking lighten up, Leinart: Wasn't bareback more fun?
Save much more holiday cheer for the repeat offenders:
Drink like a champ, Big Ben, but watch those car fenders.
There were plenty of memes concerning talent "on-air":
Wasn't half as bad as it coulda been; stop crying "Unfair!"
On Reynolds! On Van Pelt! On Mariotti! On Stephen A!
YOUR STOCKING'S STUFFED WITH CHEEZ DOODLES! (Is that OK?)
It's hard to fathom that a catch-phrase could get so large
T-shirts, minor-league promos (Neil Everett took a charge.)
We don't need to remind (not to sound too fair-weather)...
Ah, fuck it, it must be said: "You're With Me, Leather!"
How can you leave out those who had career-defining spasms?
Joe Mikulik and Lamar Thomas created new p.r. chasms.
It's hard to comprehend our obsession with an injured horse,
But Barbaro's got nothing on Ned's gimpy, crutchified force.
That's not to say that there wasn't a misstep or more here:
"Pujols 'Roider!" put Will on notice with a fanbase near-n-dear.
But always to Will's defense (and occasionally feeling Balky),
You glorious Commenters made this site truly walk the talky.
Every time Will put up a post, it became a hilarious sprint.
(Even if "You're With Me, Blank" finally wore out its glint.)
On Dweeze! On Lt. Winslow! On Kid Canada! On Denis Lemieux!
On Metschick, on Pam (NJ), on Jen P (Alas, room for too few!)
Until you've been Commented at, you really haven't lived
(As a one-time "jerkwheat," I know: It's like being shivved.)
There were even Deadspin spin-offs, both razzy and boozy:
Cheers Drew, UM, Cavey, MMP, Ape 'n Flubby of Kiss Me Suzy.
God bless you, Tipsters: You right wrongs and shed light.
Things stop 'Spinning without you: You fight the good fight.
There are too many others: Posts + Readers = "HUGH!" sound
Happy holidays to all who play in the Deadspin "Underground."