AJ Daulerio's Cultural Oddsmaker runs every Friday. Email him to let him know what you think.
Heterosexual men should be wizened to the "Fuck crazy, don't date crazy" mantra by a father figure, older brother-type two minutes after their first nocturnal emission. This information, usually gleaned much too late in life, seems to be one of the building blocks of happiness that's sorely overlooked by most elders when they impart any birds/bees knowledge to their adolescent boys. Yet, it's vital for men to know that there are warning signs. NBA players, more than any other professional athlete, sadly, don't seem to heed them. Ask Jason Kidd. If he'd been more attuned to such a scenario at a younger age, he may have avoided what is surely to be an emasculating, expensive ordeal with his soon-to-be ex-wife, Joumana, as she goes public with the messy details of their relationship, both true and imagined. And there's not an air kiss at the free throw line sincere enough to stop it.
Like most people, I too wasn't given this speech as I began to start dating people, which, in turn, has put me in plenty of awkward romantic situations with many a loopy lady. Here's a partial transcript from an IM session of one of my messy breakups from one young woman, a scenario that is probably familiar to those of you out there who've had the misfortune of dating one of these women and subsequently trying to end it to prevent further unrest in what was once a peaceful life:
*WackJob: you're a cocksucker. i can't fucking beleive you're blocking. if i ever see you on the street you better cross. no wonder why none of your relationships last. you'refucking pyschotic.
Ah, what a memorable afternoon at work that was. Luckily, I've kept that transcript in my IMPORTANT STUFF email folder, and it's served as a cautious reminder to me from there on out. Since then, the first signs of prescription medication, father issues, Hayden albums or twitchy, embarrassing, unsolicited details about past relationships are the hazard lights I let guide my way.
But NBA players, for whatever reason, don't see it coming. So today I'm watching The House of Yes on a loop, sharpening my Bobbit knife and calculating the odds on the next NBA relationship to explode.
Gawk at the impending carnage, after this jump.
*Screen name changed to protect the guilty
Doug and Jackie Christie: 1/20
This is an easy, obvious choice given Jackie's leash/noose she's outfitted her husband with since the day they were married. She's determined to not let her man get lured by the groupies who shamelessly throw themselves at NBA players on a daily basis. In fact, they don't even have to be groupies — they could be toll booth attendants who make too much eye contact, or Girl Scouts who smile too big when trying to sell cookies. She knows what they're up to. She knows. Jackie knows. This marriage won't end in divorce - she will most likely kill him with her bare hands and then make a hand bag out of his skin. Infinite love, indeed.
Antonio and Kendra Davis: 1/10
Given her penchant for getting in drunken altercations at her husband's NBA games and tossing hot coffee on passing motorists, it wouldn't be surprising if Antonio already has restraining orders out on this diabolically insane woman he has the misfortune of calling his wife. Kendra's sordid history is well documented — as is her husband's unflagging support and love for this screeching dragon lady, even though there's no evidence suggesting that she won't, at some point, set him on fire in his sleep after a meaningless argument. For his own safety, there should be no sharp objects in the Davis house. Not even a pencil.
Allen and Tawanna Iverson: 1/1
Given their already stormy romance - one littered with guns and blood-stained cars, it's apparent that the Iverson home is not one of domestic, gangsta bliss. And their new digs in the high altitude of Denver are almost certain to shake the already fragile psyche of Tawanna, as she adjusts to life outside the safe confines of Philadelphia. Why do you think Iverson's bony body can absorb so much punishment? Because the balled fists of Tawanna wailing on him after his frequent missteps and dalliances are much more painful than even the hardest foul in the lane from Ben Wallace.
Andrei Kirilenko and Masha Popatova: 2/1
Even though she publicly granted her husband one free groupie pass per year, Andrei most likely knows this is a bear trap if ever there was one. There has to be a Russian version of Indecent Proposal available. Lopatova, a former pop star in Russia, most likely put this "allowance" out there to taunt her lanky husband more than anything else. She's essentially saying, "You're so ugly and undesirable that nobody would fuck you even if I put your dumb ass on the meat market". But it sounds much nicer in Russian.
Kobe and Vanessa Laine Bryant: 4/1
Why the long odds, you may ask? How could this relationship last, amidst all the public turmoil surrounding the infamous Colorado rape allegations, and the stunning police transcript of Bryant admitting that his "thing" is jizz-bombing girls in the face? Because Kobe is impervious to such matters. He is Teflon. Think about it: has there ever been a more successful 180 on a public image that seemed destined to be forever tarnished? A $4 million ring, 81 points, and a new jersey number have all made this magically disappear. I'm assuming Kobe Bryant's handlers are the same people that came up with the ingenious idea to put safety caps on Tylenol bottles after millions of people swore them were found to be poisoned by a lunatic. But Vanessa may also be just watching the alimony booty become more and more bountiful as time goes on. Do not mess with a little Mexican girl.