Daulerio at SBXLI: Do Not Bother Matt Geiger When He's Talking To Penthouse PetsS

AJ Daulerio has been Deadspin's "correspondent" all week at the Super Bowl in Miami. He wraps up his coverage today with two tales. The first is from the Penthouse Party on Friday night.

We waited for two hours in line before we could get into the Penthouse Super Bowl Party. Even with "press" passes generously provided to us, the lack of a formal, straight line and the mad rush of ticket holders, non-ticket holders and VIPs created a logjam outside of the aptly named club Mansion. My attorney and I were restless; even though we were curious about what Bacchanal hid behind the giant doors and the giant bouncers, it seemed less and less likely that the Deadspin +1 was going to get us off the sidewalk at 16th and Washington Ave. My attorney suggested we be patient. It paid off.

Although not as star-studded as the Maxim Party, the Penthouse Party proved to be more enjoyable, if only for the randomness of its attendees and our interactions with them. Matt Geiger, although he was really choking me in the above photo — lesson learned for the week: do not ask a man with size 11 hands to choke you, even in jest — he was pleased to find out that there was somebody from Philadelphia who still remembered him fondly, even though his busted knee never really justified the enormous free agent contract the Sixers gave him. Geiger's a Miami guy, though, and the parties he used to throw at his South Beach house when he played for the Heat were legendary.

I told him that even though he was hurt most of 2001, I thought it was the coolest thing how Larry Brown used to bring him off the bench just to bully people and the Wachovia nee Core States nee First Union center would just explode. He smiled, he hugged me, then he choked me because I'd asked him to. I think that actually means I had my first erotic asphyxiation experience, courtesy of Matt Geiger.

After the jump, read about the Penthouse debauchery, the Snoop concert and the weirdest VIP Lounge shared with myself, my attorney and the Salisbury-esque chica magnet that is Warren Moon.

Daulerio at SBXLI: Do Not Bother Matt Geiger When He's Talking To Penthouse PetsS

These ladies were dancing on the table. In fact there were lots of ladies dancing on pretty much every table that wasn't serving another purpose, like, say holding a giant. It was a Penthouse party, and that's what they're supposed to do at these sort of things. Mansion was once another club called Level, given the name by its maze-like levels inside. If you made a wrong turn, you could end up at a completely different bar then you were before, even though the bar would look exactly the same.

This had all the night club noise, boom, flashes, greaseballs and cleavage one would expect from a South Beach nightclub. The ratio of guys to girls was, however, probably 90:1. From the party, it appears that the Penthouse readership most likely consists of men who resemble professional wrestlers and who smoke cigars. But the crowd was younger, it seemed, most likely from the makeover Penthouse is trying with their new issues. Sadly, with its sleeker refinement, gone are the days of photo spreads of women peeing in the shower.

Celebrities and former athletes were scarce, but a few were recognizable — besides Geiger there was Bernard Hopkins who showed up waay too early with an entourage that included a Luc Brazi-looking handler, a hype man and two girls who he picked up on the street. Hopkins' Brazi tried to storm through the gates while we were all waiting but he was denied as well. The Middleweight Champion would have to wait in the middle of the street until things cleared out. Bernard looked a little confused as to why he had to stand in the street, but then again, he looks that way all the time.

Once we were inside, there were the requisite shots of Jager, as suggested by my attorney, and we were off. We spent a good portion of the evening getting lost in Mansion and desperately searching out our VIP tags, which were supposedly being held by some woman in some alcove. We found her, eventually, and then made our way upstairs to the lounge, where they not only had a steaming tray of hot dogs, but also Warren Moon.

Daulerio at SBXLI: Do Not Bother Matt Geiger When He's Talking To Penthouse PetsS

Moon was there with some of the crew from The NFL network, who appeared to send some of their correspondents and producers to bone up on their pre-game analysis by gifting them with a few Penthouse Pets. One of the analysts, John something, the black guy making the white guy dance face in the above picture, was someone who I mistook for the actor who played Jackie Chiles on Seinfeld.

Me: "Hey, you're the guy that played Kramer's lawyer, right?"
JOHN BLACK FOOTBALL ANALYST DOING HIS BEST JACKIE CHILES VOICE: "Yes. Yes, I am! They're real and they're spectacular!' Teri Hatcher is a wonderful kisser!
ME: Oh, sorry, man. I thought you were. You kind of look like him.
JOHN: I understand, I understand. You down for the game? Who ya' think'll win?
ME: Oh. The Bears. Love the Bears!
JOHN: Me too. Besides...they have the better quality women too.

Of course they do.

Daulerio at SBXLI: Do Not Bother Matt Geiger When He's Talking To Penthouse PetsS

Then, Snoop came on, the place went nuts, the doobies were fired, the boobies were fired and Warren Moon was just having a blast with the bevy of blonde women provided by the NFL Network. He had at least two different ones shifting positions on his lap. I instructed my attorney to get a photo of Mr. Moon being grinded upon, but the photo was overly bright and shrouded in smoke, making it appear that Warren Moon had died and gone to lap dance heaven. But, if anybody ever gets a chance to, please, please experience Warren Moon grinding white women during "Gin and Juice." In fact, you should pay a lot of money to see it.

We attempted to get various photos of all angles, when one of the NFL Network's producers came over to me and said I should just go up and ask him for a photo.

"He's a really nice guy. I'm sure he'll take a photo with you."

"I don't know, he's got all those women around him..."

" Well, when he's free from them, just go up and ask him."

That took a while. I believe at one point there were blonde girls nestled underneath Warren Moon's armpits. If he sneezed, four of them would probably fly out of his nose.

Finally, I saw my opportunity and approached The Warrior. He did not remember me from the Maxim Party the night before. He agreed to a picture and even told one of his ladies to wait a minute to do so.

Daulerio at SBXLI: Do Not Bother Matt Geiger When He's Talking To Penthouse PetsS

"What you got going on tomorrow, Warren?" I asked.

He wiped his forehead and just gave me a wink.

"Game time, baby. Game time." Off he went; and as he sat himself back down on the couch, a blonde woman pawing at his leg, I realized he wasn't talking about the Super Bowl at all.