AJ Daulerio's Cultural Oddsmaker runs every Friday. Email him to let him know what you think.
A few weeks ago, I was in Vegas for a long weekend "on assignment" to shadow a VIP concierge for an upcoming article in the July Penthouse magazine. Throughout the weekend, there was the requisite blackout drinking, lots of jiggly things and plenty of that Vegas smear left on me that most people have when spending a significant amount of time in that city. In fact, the final day of exhausted note-taking consisted of me writing the words "TITS" and "DRUNK." Two times during the weekend I was at the topless bar at the Mirage, Bare, which I believe is the place Alex Rodriguez and his creatine-infused lady friend were denied entry to at one point during his alleged tomcatting.
At this establishment there were, as advertised, topless bathers, but there was also a group of girls that were on a non-specific "senior" trip and seemingly equipped with very fake I.D.s. Yes, they may have been 21 but they seemed younger, teenagery even, but they were interacting with people like they didn't have disproportionate baby fat, pointy hip bones, and, um, braces. Yet, there they were, prancing around the pool in stringy two-pieces, straw-chugging frozen margaritas and playing their part of dim young girls in bikinis patrolling for free drinks from shady older guys. Of course, it worked. Especially with a member of the Houston Texans defensive line.
It's an odd phenomenon, this fascination that men, when they first get the splotches of gray hair and other attributes of grown-up maleness, suddenly find teenage girls more appealing. Obviously, the physical attractiveness — the seemingly pristine physical attractiveness, I should say — is a major factor, but it's also this Wonder Years-y nostalgia for that time when those girls were actually available and not these seedy objects of desire:
DANIEL STERN V.O.: It was a time of fantastic mystery, the great unknown. We were all captains aboard this ship called Puberty, navigating its uncharted waters. Most of the time, that water was girls. I remember the first time I pawed at Becky Slater's fancy new bra like a deranged yeti, sporting an erection that could knock down low-flying aircraft, but those days are long gone...
You get the idea.
On to the issue at hand: One Miss Allison Stokke, whose pole vault-body has become furious debate fodder for those for and against posting pictures of young girls showing off their athletic prowess. The "For" say she's relevant because of said prowess (and her looks) and "Against" say "let the young, tan girl thrust herself in the air with a giant stick in a revealing outfit but DO NOT acknowledge her muscular thighs and thickset brick twister." (Or something to that effect.) God, it sucks to be pretty and athletic. It's almost like having AIDS.
The reality is that, unfortunately, there will continue to be Allison Stokkes and Anna Kournikovas and the Arizona State softball team and plenty of other young girls whose athleticism will be overshadowed by their hotness— this is the creepy new world we live in, which is why we need Chris Hansen hiding in kitchen cupboards all over the United States, apparently.
So this week, I'm polishing off a Primo hoagie and Genesee Cream Ale , watching my one big nut swing out of my shorts and placing odds on the future Allison Stokkes that we'll all be sputtering about in the near future.
Let's go ogle these nubile young athletes with reckless abandonment and a willful disregard for decency, after this jump.
Colby Ann Livingston: 3/1
This sun-soaked California gal is poised to become a household name once Surfer magazine gets a hold of her. (Hopefully before Kelly Slater does!). Colby's natural ability to stay afloat is supremely advanced for her age. Her parents insist that even during this photo shoot she appeared to show a real eagerness to stand up on this tiny surfboard — which far exceeded her eagerness to stare at the ceiling, the pretty lights or da-da's funny face. Even though it's tough for female surfers to get some mainstream media attention — unless, of course, they get their arm chomped off by a shark — little Colby has the come-hither looks, the banging body and the swagger to maybe turn around a lot more than just a few admiring heads. I don't remember Jessica Simpson looking that good in her American Flag bathing suit.
Monique Le Veilledeux: 2/1
Shazam! The WTA can never get enough Maria Sharapovas, and they've definitely got the next one in French tennis dynamo Monique "The Tickler" Le Veilledeux. Obviously, she's easy on the eyes, with her haunting features and Steffi Graf-like lower body. But it's going to be real interesting to see what a couple of years on the tour will do for her physique. Oh, did I mention she can fit a whole tennis ball in her mouth? She can! Ah, geaux-geaux, indeed.
She's Goka — and she's come to rock your world. This mysterious ski-temptress from Tibet can charm any man with one of her penetrating, sexy glances — but don't fool yourself that there's nothing going on under that big furry purple coat. Add it up: She's Tibetan, she skis and she's a vegetarian. But she also has enough strength in her thighs to crush tomato cans between them. You can wipe that drool off your desk now.
The McMonagle Twins: 1/1
JACK. POT. Can it get any better than two smoking hot red headed twins in a tub? NO. But don't underestimate Polly and Trista, for they're only ranked number one and two respectively in the under 36 months International Swimming Rankings. Sure, they may look all sexy, splashing around in the tub like the baaaad little twins they are, but get them anywhere near water and they're all business. However, if you're lucky enough to get them into bed their focus turns directly to pleasure . And mobiles featuring zoo animals. Either way, you'll have your hands full rolling around with these two crimson beauties for a couple of hours. There's a Coors Light commercial in their future and, now, you'll know where you saw them first.