Wimbledon, The Miming, Fake, Virtual Way


Perhaps you've been checking out what's going on at Wimbledon today. Perhaps. But if that's not quite rankling your fancy — a term we just invented — you can take solace in the virtual world. Over the weekend, the first ever Wii Wimbledon tournament was held at Barcade, a video game type bar in Williamsburg, Brooklyn. (Not our favorite section of Brooklyn, by the way; Cobble Hill forever!)

We sent Keith Hernandez — an ad sales guy at The Onion, not the actual Keith Hernandez — to go cover the event. His full report is after the jump. Man we wish we could have been there.

(Photo from Gothamist. Also, we're EXTREMELY sorry for all the tech problems today. All the posts should finally be up now. To think you missed a good half hour of Screamin' Stephen A. drive time.)

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The first Wiimbledon tennis tournament at Barcade saw Luigi step out of his princess-saving, Koopah-stomping brother's shadow to deftly handle the field of 128. He took home the grand prize of a new Nintendo Wii (which he obviously already owns) and the comfort of knowing he is the pastiest of pasties.

Walking into the bar, it was apparent there would be no Philippoussian decisions being made (Cougar! Or Cat!) because, like we all figured, this was a major dude fest. Team Geekanerd had a balanced team, but this was a wang party, and we all were comfortable with that.

The first few hours of the six-hour single elimination tournament were like receiving a foot job: mostly uncomfortable, highly unorthodox, yet strangely appealing and enjoyable. People were assigned a time to arrive to their first match, so for many, the Wiimbledon experience was like the Bushwhackers in Royal Rumble.

Most competitors used a similar style, treating the Wiimote delicately and flinging their wrists like they were tossing coasters across the bar. Others chose to let their douchiness shine. Like our villain Thunderserve.

Obviously this guy was a high school tennis player, and he was here to show it. Playing shoeless, Thunderserve mimed bouncing a tennis ball, threw it up in the air and jump served the shit out of it. Every time. Secretly, we were all pulling for him to make it to the finals so he could lose in front of all the video cameras and media folk. He didn't disappoint, making it to the final four before bowing out to the appreciative laughs of the crowd.

With Luigi dancing with his new Wii, a dejected man in a bear suit searching his bear head for clues on how he lost and about a hundred other people wearing super tight gear prancing around, I grabbed a beer and headed off to play to Tapper, hopeful the first Wiimbledon would not be the last.

Keith Hernandez slings advertising for The Onion and is ready for all your Just For Men jokes.