We still haven't watched the ESPYs from Sunday night, because, we dunno, it's the summer, and sometimes we like to pretend that the sun actually exists and will welcome us. From most accounts, though, the show was as tolerable as one could have hoped. We have no major issue with Jimmy Kimmel — not anymore, anyway — and we'll certainly take him over Lance Armstrong or Tony Danza. Kimmel isn't exactly Bill Hicks, but he's not Robert Wuhl or Nick Bakay either. And thank heavens for that.
But, as it turns out, not every one of Kimmel's jokes made it into the final telecast. In fact, our spies inside the ESPYs — and there is no more noble endeavor than infiltrating the ESPYs; our spies keep America safe! — say that some of Kimmel's more potentially offensive jokes were actually cut from the final program, even though they were delivered to the live audience.
We've gotten a hold of the excised jokes, and we can say this: Only ESPN could possibly find these offensive enough to strip out. Apparently, they think we have the most delicate ears in all of cable television ... or they just wanted to make sure not to offend anyone who might want to pick up a gift bag. Certainly, the days of Norm MacDonald sneaking on an O.J. joke are behind us.
After the jump, Kimmel's jokes that ESPN cut from the final ESPY telecast.
Tonight's show focuses primarily on the accomplishments of athletes on the field - but there are so many great things going on off the field too.
Michael Vick, as you've probably heard, is picking up where Bob Barker left off, to try to help control the pet population.
I think that's great.
He's also been doing some wonderful things for people in his local community - just this last weekend, he let the police have a treasure hunt in his backyard.
Ron Artest was also investigated for cruelty to animals this year. This was actually a scary case - they claim - and, of course, these are just allegations - that he forced two of his dogs to listen to his entire rap album.
Kobe was here tonight, but about halfway down the red carpet, he asked to be traded to another awards show.
Right now, Don Cornelius is presenting him with a Soul Train Award.
David Beckham comes to LA this month. I have to say I have never seen my gardener so excited.
David Beckham got 250 million dollars to pay for the Galaxy. It's a lot of money, but they're hoping he can do for soccer what Wayne Gretzky did for hockey...which means in 15 years, no one will be watching soccer either.
I want to congratulate Greg Oden - the number one pick in the NBA Draft.
Greg is here tonight. How can you be 19 years old? You look like Grady from Sanford and Son.
Don't people usually have their tonsils removed before they turn 40? You may have heard Greg was diagnosed with tonsillitis. But what you might not know is he got a second opinion this morning and it turns out they're not tonsils at all ... they're dinosaur eggs.
Well - this is going to be a fun night. I don't know if I'll be able to fill Lance Armstrong's shoes, but at the very least, I'm pretty sure I can fill his scrotum. Figuratively, of course.