AJ Daulerio's Cultural Oddsmaker runs every Friday. Email him to let him know what you think.)
It's tough to find a man on the planet who doesn't love Alyssa Milano. Her allure is timeless, considering her career ascension has matched up perfectly with most 30-something men's sexual awakenings. Think about it: As a teenager in the 80s, she was the perfect combination of girl you'd take to the ninth grade farewell dance and girl most of you'd inconspicuously fondle at the mall. In her 20s, she wasted no time shedding her image as a child star and makes the leap to lesbianic vampire movies, Poison Ivy II and "Melrose Place." (That trifecta alone guaranteed she'd have many mop socks named after her. Ask my father. He always wears his Alyssa Milanos on Sundays to do yard work.)
Now, in her 30's she's become the real life Annie Savoy, using her lady cave to assemble what would've been one of the more dominating fantasy baseball staffs in ... 2003: Brad Penny, Barry Zito, and Carl Pavano. It's true. Alyssa Milano's vagina's 2003 WHIP would've been 1.24.
Lately, it's appeared that Alyssa has put herself on the DL when it comes to bedding players (perhaps the coital equivalent of "dead arm"), reserving most of her player admiration to her MLB blog and her MLB lingerie line or whatever that is. This cannot last forever, and the more and more baseball games Milano attends, the closer she gets to fully recovering . She's so riled up right now that anytime she drives past a ballpark you could probably drown mice in her underwear.
So, this week, I'm blowing off some Teen Steam, slapping at my Tony Danza, and calculating odds on the next MLB baseball player to have sex with Alyssa Milano.
Let's touch 'em all, after this Moop.
Her affinity for starting pitchers is well known, and she's referred to Santana as "dreamy." Although Santana's a married man, it has to betough to turn down the advances of Alyssa Milano. But Santana should steer clear of her, lest he suffer the Milano curse that has befallen most of the pitchers she's doinked. Chances are, Santana will resist, but should some marital trouble suddenly arise, don't be surprised if Milano starts singing the praises of skyway sex on her blog.
Chad Cordero: 3/1
Although Milano claims to be cosmic chums with Dmitri Young, I'm thinking their relationship would fall into the category of platonic: She'll talk to Meech about his game, her love life, her family; he'll talk to her about his combustible brother, "The Man," hot wings. But Dmitri will also attempt to play matchmaker for Milano, and what better guy to set her up with than the Nationals crooked-capped closer, Chad Cordero? Cordero would be delighted to have such a lady, and although she won't be interested at first, Milano will eventually succumb to Cordero's chicano-esque charm and the fact that he calls her his ruca. But Milano should beware the Havoc-like lure of Chad — and, most important, she shouldn't drink too many tequila shots with him and his buddies then boozily ask how to become a member of his gang. (See: Phillips, Bijou.)
Bobby Abreu: 5/1
Alyssa favors plate discipline over the allure of the inside the park home run, which is something she gushed about about regarding The Meat Hook's five-pitch at bat in the All-Star game's last inning. And even though he's having an off year, Abreu is usually masterful about working a count. Plus Abreu loves Mediterranean white girls, as some of the strippers at Scores could attest to first hand. But he also has a problem with his girlfriends having sex on film, which doesn't bode well for Alyssa since Embrace of the Vampire still pops up on Cinemax every once in while.
Matt Kemp, James Loney, D.J. Houlton...: 2/1
A lifelong Dodgers fan, it seems like a lock that she'd go after somebody she could root for all of the time. But with that whole Brad Penny situation still fresh, she probably won't start dating one of his teammates too soon. However, she's also a gamer, and what better way to acclimate some of the younger talent to the Major League life than by offering her services. Let's just hope she does them individually and doesn't cave into the pressure from some of the rook's to play "Blue Devil Broom Closet." That could end badly for everybody.