Believe it or not, folks, the NFL season is much closer than you can possibly imagine. So close, in fact, that, if we're going to fit in every NFL team preview by the start of the season, running one every weekday, we have to start today. So there you have it.
Last year, we asked some of our favorite writers to opine why Their Favorite Team Was Better Than Yours. Ultimately, we found this constrictive, and it also might have killed James Frey. So this time, we've just asked them to just run free, talk about their team, their experience as a fan, their hopes, their dreams, their desires for oral sex. We've got a few teams left unassigned, so if you've got a jones to write about your team, email us to let us know why you're perfect to write about, say, the Browns, better than Frey did.
So, we kick off today.
Your author is Big Daddy Drew, one of the mad geniuses behind Kissing Suzy Kolber. His words are after the jump.
22 Short Stories* About The Starting Offense And Defense Of The 2007 Minnesota Vikings
1. One day, defensive end Erasmus James walked into an elevator. There stood a pregnant woman. The doors closed. James turned to the woman and asked her, "Is it yours?" Perplexed, the woman asked, "Is what mine?" "The baby," he said. "Is it yours?" Defensive, the woman said, "Yes! Of course!" James then said, "That's too bad, 'cause surrogate moms make my dick grow." And then he walked out.
2. One day, defensive tackle Pat Williams entered a pie-eating contest. The gun went off. Everyone began stuffing their face with pie, except Williams, who ate at a normal pace. A judge went up to him and said, "What are you doing?" To which Williams replied, "I'm savoring my pie, bitch."
3. You know that classic Hemingway super-short story: "For sale. Baby shoes. Never worn."? Well, that was running back Chester Taylor's baby.
4. One day, wide receiver Troy Williamson went to the eye doctor. The eye doctor asked him to read the eye chart. To which Williamson replied, "I don't see any fucking chart."
5. One day, offensive tackle Bryant McKinnie was performing cunnilingus on a woman. Ten minutes in, he looked up at the woman and said, "You smell like the beach. Kudos to you." Then he went right back to licking.
6. One day, cornerback Cedric Griffin came upon a lamp. He rubbed the lamp. Out popped a genie. Griffin said, "Holy shit! A genie! I want a billion dollars, the ability to fly, and good health for me and my family." To which the genie replied, "Fuck you. I'm retired." Then he slapped Griffin and zipped back into the lamp.
7. One day, linebacker Ben Leber accidentally put his cell phone in a toaster. But, since his carrier was T-Mobile, this actually improved his reception. Leber now toasts all his cell phones on the dark setting.
8. One day, Darren Sharper and his family had a picnic in the woods. "This is a lovely picnic," he declared. He and his family were then killed and eaten by a hermit who had been raised by bears.
9. One day, while playing for Seattle, offensive guard Steve Hutchinson went to the Pike Place Fish Market. One of the fishmongers threw Hutchinson a fish. Hutchinson, a tae kwon do expert, acted on instinct and delivered a blow to the flying fish that not only cleaved it in half, but also gutted, filleted, and deboned it. He then screamed to all, "That's how Steve Hutchinson does fucking halibut."
10. One day, quarterback Tarvaris Jackson came across a burning building. A woman cried out, "Save my baby!", then threw her child out the window. Acting on instinct, Jackson swooped in and caught the baby. Unfortunately, he then also acted on instinct by taking a five-step drop and then throwing the baby back into the window. It was a perfect baby spiral.
11. It was a dark and stormy night. So tight end Jim Kleinsasser decided to stay in and masturbate.
12. Cornerback Antoine Winfield was a young boy. He had a heart of stone. Lived 9 to 5 and worked his fingers to the bone. Just barely out of school, came from the edge of town. Fought like a switchblade so no one could take him down. He had no money, ooooooh no good at home. Walked the streets a soldier and he fought the world alone.
13. Three years ago, linebacker Dontarrious Thomas fell in love with a young Chinese boy. But the boy's family disapproved of him marrying an American man. So Thomas got a sex change operation and is now better known as best-selling author Amy Tan.
14. One day, Billy McMullen walked into a McDonald's restaurant and ordered lobster. When the cashier said that they did not serve lobster, McMullen pulled out a gun and said, "I'll be back in one hour. If there ain't no lobster here when I get back, you're all gonna be fucking McDead." An hour later, McMullen enjoyed a 5 lb. lobster with lemon wedges and drawn butter. He is still the only man to have ever eaten lobster in a McDonald's restaurant.
15. One day, linebacker EJ Henderson, on a whim, bought roses for himself.
16. On a visit to Tatooine, fullback Artose Pinner ran into C3PO. "Artoo, you are quite a handful of trouble!" To which Pinner replied, "It's ArTOSE. ArTOSE! With an S on the end, you fucking faggot!" C3PO then apologized profusely and offered him some robot tea. Pinner refused and walked away in a huff.
17. One day, free safety Dwight Smith nailed a chick in a stairwell. Upon orgasm, Smith cried out, "I AM THE ORIGINAL STAIRMASTER!"
18. Twenty years ago, guard Artis Hicks blew off his own head with an M80. His mother replaced his head with a large cantaloupe. No one has ever noticed.
19. On draft day in 2003, the Vikings accidentally allowed their allotted draft time to run out and drafted defensive tackle Kevin Williams with the ninth pick overall. What few people know is that then coach Mike Tice did not write Williams' name on the draft card, but rather the words, "I like steak." Out of pity, the league drafted Williams for the team anyway.
20. One day, defensive end Kenechi Udeze was asked by a reporter why he had no sacks in 2006. To which he replied, "Just bad luck." But he deep in his heart, Udeze knew a different truth. He fucking sucked. I hope he gets benched.
21. One day, offensive tackle Marcus Johnson returned to his home in Mississippi to discover that his childhood home had been destroyed by a terrible fire. But Johnson's standing in the community was solid. And, so his neighbors banded together and built his family a new house, even bigger than the last! Unfortunately, because this was Mississippi and no one knew anything of engineering, or even basic design, the house was made entirely out of leftover Styrofoam containers.
22. One day, center Matt Birk decided to kick some motherfucking ass and take some motherfucking names. And he did. And it was good. Go Vikes. All you other teams out there can suck my balls.
*All patently false