Who's The Next Old, White Lady To Get Humped by a Black NBA Player?S

AJ Daulerio's Cultural Oddsmaker runs every Friday. Email him and let him know what you think.

The cougar movement is one that, in the last few years, has blossomed into a full-on cultural phenomenon. Not unlike MILF before it, Cougardom has become part of the conversational lexicon, spanning both age and race. Strangely enough, many older women are embracing this term, thinking that that being a "cougar" makes them automatically attractive to younger men. Sometimes that is the case. Sometimes ... not so much. (Side note # 1: Mr. Mamula used the term "Cougar Swarm" in an anecdote on Monday, which seems like an excellent name for a roller derby team or a top secret military group composed of 40-year-old female acrobats.)

Now Cougardom has hit the NBA, with Nuggets Warriors(fuck,sorry) baller Baron Davis supposedly deep-dicking the spindly-legged, 42-year-old Teri Hatcher. And in many of the stories surrounding the Hatcher/Davis unholy union, Ms. Hatcher was described as a "cougar." So were they saying she was attractive? Beat to shit? It was hard to tell since, in my humble opinion, Teri Hatcher could probably fall on both sides of the line.

I consulted Urban Dictionary for clarification which, in its infinite wisdom, had 42 definitions for "cougar." Some definitions stated there needed to be some smidgen of attractiveness required; others said that it was not. This definition seemed most accurate:

have been party girl/s who are now angry they are not married and prey on younger men; common traits include leathery skin from frequent tanning sessions, smoking, anti-depressant use, and a large collection of "massagers.

The anti-depressants are key. (Side Note # 2: In reading through Urban Dictionary, I was reminded that "Smoky Tornado" has its own definition. Thanks again to Ryan Real for submitting it. I'm eternally grateful. )

Unlike the Pinot Grigio-soaked dusty bitches in Talbot's floral print pants most of us run into at local drinking establishments, the cougars of the NBA elite tend to have a little more quality. Just like tattoos and baggy shorts, it seems like this has the makings of becoming a trend amongst some of the league's black players. So don't be surprised to find more of these Hatcher/Davis-esque hook-ups during the next couple months. In other words, beware the Cougar Swarm.

So, this week, I'm speed-chugging a caraf of Cavit's, pretending my right palm is Jessica Tandy and placing odds on the next raggedy broad to snag a chocolate pickle.

Let's get blinded by hot flashes, after this MORE.

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Who's The Next Old, White Lady To Get Humped by a Black NBA Player?

Cybill Shepherd: 3/1

Even though she was almost cancer-whacked a couple years ago, Cybill Shepherd's one tough lady. And that's why she doesn't have time to screw around with any silly longterm romance or cowtow to an emotionally fragile white boy. She's achin' for a brown quakin', and she always get what she wants. However, because she's so domineering she'll require a young boy that needs some of the edges smoothed out. The solution? Andray Blatche will be living with her by the tenth game of the season.

Who's The Next Old, White Lady To Get Humped by a Black NBA Player?

Valerie Bertinelli: 5/1

Now that she's 40 pounds slimmer, she's dead-set on fulfilling one of her fantasies of banging a shimmering black athlete. Still bitter about her divorce from Eddie Van Halen, she'll make sure that this reunion tour the VH brothers (and son) are on this year won't be the only reason her name comes up in conversations. Remember, "One Day at a Time" used to be on the same night as "The Jeffersons." So, she knows about the negroes. It's about time she got to really know one.

Who's The Next Old, White Lady To Get Humped by a Black NBA Player?

Arianna Huffington: 4/1

With the presidential elections heating up, this giant Greek liberal lady will want to keep her eggplant poaching on the down low, but after glad-handing with Barack Obama for the next few months, she's gonna get the itch. I vonder wot eed be like to be taken by zee dark man...she'll think. She'll start out by soliciting some of the Olympic players to start posting on her blog. Then she'll invite them over her house for intimate dinners to try to figure out what makes them tick. Then she'll be impressed by the strength of their calves. Next thing you know, Arianna's eating olives out of Chris Bosh's belly button.

Who's The Next Old, White Lady To Get Humped by a Black NBA Player?

Mary Louise Parker: 1/4

Total chalk. She's divorced, having a resurgence in her career, sneakily hot, and stars on a show where she deals pot for a living. I wouldn't be surprised if half the LA Clippers already don't have her number in their cell phones. At some point, Parker will become embroiled in one of those chemistry-ruining Jimmy Jackson-Toni Braxton-Jason Kidd-type scenarios. She'll move on from that, and onto the next set of size 13 sneakers by the All-Star break. By the end of this season, she will have AND1 tatooed on her labia.