We do not speak the language of Red Sox Nation. We do not dislike the Red Sox, or their fans, and we do not think the city of Boston is racist. We love Boston! We just don't understand the Red Sox Nation thing; it just scares us. That said, many of our best friends are Red Sox fans, and they're at least slightly intelligent.
So we felt we had to ask them to explain this whole President Of Red Sox Nation thing, in which 25 nominees (none of whom are Bill Simmons) are vying for the position. We have no idea what the position is, or whether they have the power to launch a nuclear strike, but we were fascinated by some of the names, which included disgraced journalist Mike Barnicle, Peter Gammons, Doris Kearns Goodwin, Rich Garces and a dog.
We have no idea what's going on. So we called on some of those Red Sox fan friends.
• Lockhart Steele, Publisher, Curbed. "As painful as was the creation of "Red Sox Nation" as some sort of club that you actually pay money for to procure a card to carry in your wallet, this presidency thing is so much worse. It's gotten to the point where I actually hope for the out-of-town feed of Sox games on Extra Innings so I don't have to hear Remy talk about it any more. That said, I think Mike Barnicle would be an inspired choice."
• Jim Cooke, Art Maestro. "It's embarrassing. Sox fans get enough flak already, I can't believe whoever thought this up never stopped for a second to think maybe this is just another thing to make us look like jackasses."
• Jen Hubley, JennieSmash.com. "Obviously, Big Pupi should win. The Nation's been full of dirty dogs for years. Failing that, I think people should put me down as a write-in candidate. I've been a good representative behind enemy lines for years now, and even wear my Sox hat when it doesn't go with my outfit."
• Eric Gillin, Esquire.com. "When I was a child, the Boston Red Sox didn't have a nation. We had a crusty old white bitch running the team, good seats still available and a raging inferiority complex when compared to the 16-time World Champion Boston Celtics. Now, the white bitch and good seats are gone, and everyone who likes the team is a citizen of the Red Sox Nation. Initially, I'll admit, I thought the Nation was a cute little counterpoint to the Yankees' Evil Empire. But I never thought anyone would be insane enough to take this Nation thing literally by electing a president. What's next? Application for recognition by the United Nations? In any event, I seriously hope the fucking dog wins, because if we end up with an egomaniac like Mike Barnicle, the Nation will probably secede from the Union and trigger a Sunni-Shiite style conflict as Sox fans coast-to-coast start to arm themselves every time the Yankees pull within six games."